Overcoming Stage Nerves: Practical Confidence Tips for Speakers and Leaders from Alex Sanfilippo

Tim Newman [00:00:00]:
Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, the podcast that helps you build the soft skills that lead to real results. Communication, storytelling, public speaking, and showing up with confidence in every conversation that counts. I’m Tim Newman, a recovering college professor turned communication coach, and I’m thrilled to guide you on a journey to becoming a powerful communicator. Today’s guest is Alex Sanfilippo. Alex is a podcaster and the founder of podmatch.com, a platform that automatically matches podcast hosts and guests for interviews. Through PodMatch and his podcast, titled Podcast you Made Simple, Alex helps independent podcasters grow their influence and revenue so they can better serve their listeners. Alex, welcome to the show, bud.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:00:50]:
Tim, thank you so much for having me. Really an honor to be here today.

Tim Newman [00:00:53]:
You know, I’m so excited to have you for many, many reasons, but, you know, I tell everybody I talk to how you and the Podmatch team have really changed my life and the lives of podcast podcasters all over the world. This is my hundredth episode of Speaking with Confidence, and I would not have made it this far without your support and the support of the rest of the podmatch team, so. So thank you so, so much, man.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:01:23]:
It’s an honor to hear that, like, as someone who’s listening to your podcast for. It feels like years now. I don’t know how long it’s actually been, right? But because you said 100 episodes, I feel like, wait, I had to be listening a lot longer ago than that, but maybe not. But, man, again, someone who’s listened, someone who’s just who has learned from you, it means so much that you’re using PodMatch. You’re part of it. And seriously, congratulations on 100 episodes. The chances of making it there are, like, it’s very few and far between to ever see a podcaster make it that far, which just has so much more about you and the craft that you’ve created here. So thank you, Tim, for.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:01:53]:
For having me. And congratulations again.

Tim Newman [00:01:54]:
Well, this is going to be fun, and again, I appreciate it, and I’m glad you said it’s a craft, because that’s kind of how I. How I talk about it. You know, it. I don’t want to. I’m not trying to brag or anything, but I work hard at this. I work hard at, you know, becoming a better podcaster, becoming a better interviewer, becoming a better communicator, better listener, all those things because. Because one of the things that is you harp on a lot, which really resonates with Me is providing value, providing value to whoever it is that we’re working with, that we’re dealing with in any given moment. And it’s just so important.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:02:30]:
I couldn’t agree more. I believe that value has to be the center of everything we do. And if it’s not, I think maybe our motives are misaligned at times. And so I only see people reach a hundred episodes of their podcast and beyond. If their motive is to, to serve somebody, to add value, to make it more than about themselves. The individuals that kind of look, internal listeners feel it right. Like they do. We can see it when people on stage, you can kind of see that anywhere where there’s someone who’s clearly in it for themselves.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:02:58]:
The rest of us are kind of like, ah, something feels off here.

Tim Newman [00:03:01]:
Right, right, right, right. But let’s let me take that just one step further because you said something in, in our pre interview chat that, that again, to me was very, very powerful. You said that sometimes we diminish our own worth as leaders, thinking we’ve only played a small part. Why do you think so many high impact people struggle to acknowledge their own value for other people? Because I definitely do. I had a conversation just last week with a former student and I said all I did was put you in a position to be successful. And he was telling me what he was doing with somebody else and, and that he just said the same thing. I said, but you did it. If it weren’t for you, that person wouldn’t have been successful.

Tim Newman [00:03:43]:
But I’m not accepting for myself. So that really resonates with me.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:03:48]:
Me too. And I’m just going to say, for you, for everyone listening, Tim, you know this, but everyone listening, this is a struggle of mine as well. I mean, people call it imposter syndrome. There’s all kinds of names for it beyond that, even these days. And it’s a real feeling like we, we don’t want to overplay the value that we’ve added, the role that we’ve played. And some of that could be humility, which is of course better than the opposite. Right, right, right. Nonetheless, it’s tough for a lot of us to just accept the fact that like, hey, we made a real impact in someone else’s life or in a market or in a community, whatever it might be.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:04:25]:
It’s really tough. And the reality is like, I don’t have like the answer. Like, I wish I had be like, but all you have to do is right. Like, it’s not that, but it’s, it’s Surrounding yourself with the right people that remind you, hey, man, you’re, you’re doing more than you think. Like, Tim, when you I talked, I reminded you. I’m like, hey, you are helping a lot of people literally do what your podcast is about. You’re teaching people to speak with confidence. And there is real impact happening.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:04:49]:
There are people, lives that have been changed because of that. And when we hear it from somebody else that we love, we respect, we even admire a little bit, right? We’re able to say, okay, they’re right. It’s just harder for me to say that. So for me, the biggest thing that I do is I surround myself with people not to, like, puff me up full of pride, right? But they will say, hey, Alex, you are doing something good. You’re doing something important. At the same time, the first people to beat me up when I’m doing something wrong, right? So it kind of keeps you humble in that, in that whole, like, that circle, if you will.

Tim Newman [00:05:15]:
But I think those people are critical to success because like you said, and here I go, I’m honing in right on that piece. And if you mess something up, they tell you about it. Because, I mean, a lot, because a lot of times we do surround ourselves with people who are just going to tell us we’re great. But I would much rather have somebody tell me that I’m messing something up and I need to straighten it out or I need to get better at this or whatever it is, because again, it comes back to being better at our craft, being better individuals, being better people and providing more value to others.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:05:47]:
I think I, I, I used to, to feel that same way, Tim, But I’ve kind of hit the point now where I’m tired of getting beat up like, like from the people I love, right? Like, not in a bad way, but I’m like, point at my flaws, Point my flaws, like, tell me I can do better. And I had so much that happening. That was it. Honestly, I felt beat up. I felt like I was kind of getting burned out. And I think I just needed some love, you know, like, well, tell me I’m not terrible, right? And so I think that there is, like, there’s there truly has to be a balance.

Tim Newman [00:06:16]:
Balance.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:06:17]:
Because for guys like you and I, they’re high achievers. Yes. We love to know when something’s wrong because that’s our number one spot to be able to fix. Great. Fixed it. What’s next? Okay, what’s next? What’s next? Sometimes it’s good to say, hey, slow down. A minute. You’re doing such a good job.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:06:29]:
Look at the impact it’s having. And for me, I’m like, oh, wait, I breathe. You’re right. There is something good here. Right? It’s not all bad or things to improve, but I think a lot of high achievers, we. We really struggle with that. So for me, I’m hitting this point of balance where I’m okay to say, hey, I need some love right now. Not tough love.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:06:47]:
I just need someone to tell me I’m good, You know, like, it’s going a long way in my. In my walk these days.

Tim Newman [00:06:54]:
Well, and I think you. You talked a little bit about that, you know, in an episode of podcast you made Simple a couple weeks ago with. With Chase Jarvis. And again, it. That episode, you know, there’s. I mean, I’m sure you find this, too, that there are certain episodes that. That just hit you right. Right at your heart.

Tim Newman [00:07:11]:
I mean, and you go, wow, I’m not the only one. Wow, that. That makes so much sense. I mean, it really kind of brings things out. And in one point in that episode, y’ all were talking about creativity and play and fun, right? And I tell. Tell the story that I got into podcasting because my life. There was no fun in my life. Zero.

Tim Newman [00:07:33]:
I mean, I had a lot of things going on. Family sickness and, you know, all kinds of types of things. And I started the golf week podcast because I wanted to do something fun, and I had no idea where it was going to take me. And this is where it is now. And that, to me, was so important to understand that I wasn’t the only one that had kind of lost my way in that sense, let’s put it that way.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:08:04]:
Yeah, you talked about that episode with Chase Jarvis, and thank you for calling that out, by the way. It was a great conversation. And for me as well, like, when I was even prepping for it, reading his book and talking with him, same thing, I realized I had. I had cut play, joy and fun out of what I do for my job, right? Like, yes, I run a company that I love. I have a lot of fun with it. But we can all. We can all kind of blur that line, right? Where it’s like, hey, we. Like, you can’t do this and lose your soul, right? Like, it is not worth it.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:08:33]:
Like, you could become the greatest speaker on the planet, but if you don’t have some joy in it, you don’t enjoy it from time to time, you are going to lose yourself in it. And maybe everyone in the World thinks that you’re amazing, but, like, do you? And I think that’s a really valid question. And so for me, I had to sit back and realize that, like, yeah, on paper, I’ve been achieving a lot, but when I look at myself in the mirror, am I really happy? Am I having a lot of fun? Like, and like, not every minute of every day has to be fun. Right. Like, I’m scared of doing hard work. Right. But there’s gotta be, once again, some form of balance. And relearning that, rehearing that like you, Tim, it just reshaped things for me.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:09:10]:
So I’ve been having more fun. And sometimes it means closing my laptop when I’m done versus, like, well, there’s other things I can do. Right? Means I’m. I’m leaving, you know, I’m out of here today because I did enough work to be done today. And I think that so many of us, we need that reminder that, like, joy, fun. Yeah, just the journey, the process itself can be just as beautiful as the destination.

Tim Newman [00:09:31]:
Yeah. I mean, I. I tell people I could work 24, 7 for like five years, and it’ll never be done. It’ll never be done. I mean, and. And so the. The whole idea of taking that step back and, and injecting funding what we do as well, you know, because I. I think specifically in terms of communication, how the dynamic changes when you.

Tim Newman [00:09:54]:
When you are having fun and that comes across, you know, your tone changes, your body language changes, your face changes, and, and how that’s received by whoever it is that you’re talking to, whether it’s one person, whether it’s a small group, whether it’s a big arena, doesn’t really matter. They really do kind of feed off of that and feel that. And it changes the whole dynamic of whatever it is that you’re talking about.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:10:17]:
It really does. I hadn’t really thought about this, Tim, but you can. You can tell when somebody’s having a good time versus not. Right. Like, you can see it. And just out of curiosity, like, what. What are you doing? Like, to. To interject more fun.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:10:29]:
Like, what are. Is there any practical things that you could help me with? Right. Like. And hopefully the listeners as well.

Tim Newman [00:10:35]:
I make fun of myself a lot because, you know, when you kind of said in that episode, I don’t take myself very seriously at all. I really don’t. And if I mess up, I laugh. If I’m speaking, like, if I’m speaking on stage and I say something silly, I’ll laugh or Whatever. And even in podcasting, I tell people I don’t edit. The only thing I’ll edit for me is either the reading or the readout, because that has to be perfect. But if we’re having this conversation and I say something dumb or whatever, I just laugh at it and roll with it because it’s. What’s the worst thing? I mean, we’re just talking.

Tim Newman [00:11:17]:
It’s just like two friends talk. It is what it is. You wouldn’t go to your friend and say, you know what? Erase that from your brain and your memory. I’m going to start over again, right? So that’s one for me. But also to, to spend time doing things that, that are, that are fun, whatever it is. I’m part of an accountability group right now, and one of the pieces in that accountability group is to spend more time non work time with my wife. I mean, you know, my wife and I are like you and Alicia. We work together almost everything that we do, right? And for a while it’s just been.

Tim Newman [00:12:04]:
Every conversation has been about work. And for me it’s, you know what, we’re going to spend more time doing husband, wife things, fun things, you know, whatever it is, and not talking about work. So finding those things that you have is really important. And for me, the other thing I got to talk about my grandkids, that is my real fun for now.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:12:27]:
That’s so cool. Like making fun of your, making fun of yourself. Like, not in a bad way, obviously, like as you shared, but like, I think that’s huge. And then like doing things that spend time doing things are fun. Spend time with your family. Like, I love that stuff. That two more that I’ll add real quick that have worked for me is one to turn it into a joke. Like, I like wrote down those words turn into a joke.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:12:45]:
And all that means is sometimes we have to do some really hard work. Can I make it fun? Because Alicia, my wife and I, as you just mentioned, we, we work in the same place, like we are and we, we do the same stuff, right? So sometimes we’re like tackling something together. It’s like really difficult. And like, I’m a, I’ve always been kind of like a witty, loud person. So I’ll just throw some random joke out there that like, makes it much less serious. And she, it always gets a laugh from her. That’s one thing I think I’ve maintained even after we got married in 2012. So after this long of marriage, being able to continue to get her to laugh and so Sometimes she just like, she’s like, wow, this.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:13:19]:
How did you turn that into a joke? Right? And, like, but it’s fun. And then we. We go finish it. We get it done. Right. Uh, and the other thing is I. I spend time intentionally reflecting within my day, reminding myself, like, hey, did I do something that was fun? What. What was that win? What was fun today? Uh, not because I have to teach myself to.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:13:35]:
To like, to say, yeah, that was fun, but just so I can remember to be on the lookout for it during the day as well, so I can highlight those moments and make kind of. It caused my memory to. To, like, be in that moment saying, oh, this is actually fun. I’m going to remember this later when I’m reflecting. Those two things have helped me a lot as well.

Tim Newman [00:13:51]:
Yeah. And have you found when you. When you do that, you wake up happier too?

Alex Sanfilippo [00:13:56]:
100%. Oh, yeah, yeah. It went from. I used to be like, go to sleep stressed, wake up stressed type of thing. And now it’s like, I go to bed, like, man, I did some cool stuff today. Next day I’m like, I wonder what I’m gonna do today. Right? So, yeah, like, it’s weird, but it totally works. And a lot of people had told me for years that that would work.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:14:12]:
I didn’t believe it, and I tried it, and I’m like, oh, they were right.

Tim Newman [00:14:16]:
And, and, and at least for me and I think for others as well, by having that, you know, in your. In your wheelhouse, in your repertoire, whatever you want to call. Takes some of the stress or the things that we had, that, that imposter syndrome, it kind of cuts the edge off of that a little bit too, and it makes. It makes some of the things that we do a little bit easier. I’m not saying it makes. It makes it easy because, you know, we still have to do the hard thing, but it makes it a little bit easier if. If we can look at it in. In that little bit of a different way.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:14:52]:
Yeah. Yeah. And it. It definitely does. I think that’s 100% right.

Tim Newman [00:14:57]:
So you started your career as an entrepreneur when you were 10, selling golf balls. And. And I love this. I love this story. Obviously, I do a lot of space, a lot of work in the golf space, but. And I see kids on golf courses all the time selling golf balls, and I think about you when I see them. What did you learn at 10 years old in terms of selling and communicating? That has kind of stayed with you.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:15:26]:
Yeah. It’s funny, like, being a 10 year old kid who starts selling used golf balls back to golfers. Many of them had their initials on. Eventually we knew who was who, right? So you’d be like this guy, he always hits his ball in the water and yeah, you know, I learned a lot from it. And a lot of it is kind of like retrospective. Like, you kind of look back and you’re like, okay. I realized there were some things that like, I learned there that carried with me on an ongoing basis. One was to negotiate with adults.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:15:52]:
And so like now that I’m an adult, it’s like, okay, negotiating with adults, negotiating with people maybe further along than I am, that maybe that don’t look up to me the way that they would look up to their peers, right? Like I’m okay in those settings. Mostly because I was a kid. Believe it or not, some golfers really like to try to get a deal and they like to try to like trick a kid. Be like, oh, I’ll give you five dollars for three. I’m like, wait, it should be six, you know, right, like, right. Something, something along those lines. But that was the first thing I learned was to, to negotiate in additional addition to that, like to actually have a coherent conversation just around a topic that maybe I didn’t really know. Because the thing is, I didn’t really know golf back then.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:16:28]:
Like, I ended up playing later and, and enjoyed it. But at that point I hadn’t ever played golf before. But I learned how to keep a conversation going, how to learn how to apply it, how to speak the lingo. It was the world I was in as a 10 year old kid, right. And so, but I just learned to communicate well about the game of golf. And eventually watching so many golfers hit off the tee, I figured out what a good and bad shot was, right. Like, and as a 10 year old kid who never played, that was, I was proud of it. And there was other kids that were like a long time.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:16:57]:
It wasn’t just me sitting out there alone. There was five or six of us in total, I’d say. But they always, always asked me to be the one to talk. So they’re like, hey, we’ll do all the work. You got to talk to these, these golfers and convince them to buy stuff. And so like those, those things, negotiating, learn to communicate really well. Carrying myself somewhat professionally even as a kid. Like, I learned these things like starting at 10 years old and carried them with me.

Tim Newman [00:17:20]:
And that’s really so important because like you said, you already have those practices and skills. And I heard somebody Speak. Just the other day, that kind of hit a little bit different as well. As kids, we already have experience in selling and negotiation. We don’t think about, like with your parents, can I stay up later? You know, how do you convince your parents to stay up later? How do you convince your parents to buy stuff or whatever it is? And we don’t think about that. But it’s true. We do have negotiation selling skills when we’re younger, but we don’t translate it over. And so you as a 10 year old having that business, it’s critical and probably has really elevated you above your peers with who you grew up with.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:18:13]:
Yeah, it’s a great practice. So for anyone listening today, like, this is, this is a little takeaway for you. Think back to the first thing you did as a kid that you thought was really successful. Whether it was like getting your bedtime moved, upping your allowance, like whatever it might be. I don’t know what generation everyone grew up in. Whatever your phase was, think about that first thing. And for me, it was actually this story that, Tim, I’m grateful you brought me selling golf balls. That was like the first thing I’d say I did that was like, this was a success.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:18:39]:
And then sit down and think about, okay, what are the three to five lessons I learned from that that I still carry today? Like, what are the highlights? And those things I just talked about, Tim, like, that’s, I’ve done that practice. Like, I didn’t have the thing off the top of my head right now. Like, I already knew that’s what I learned from this. And I think it’s actually a really great practice because it kind of can speak to where you are today. Whether that’s in your ability to speak, communicate, lead, whatever it might be. You can go back to some of those early lessons in life and be like, yeah, you know what? I did learn these three things from it. And I think it actually elevates even further when you bring it to your recognition.

Tim Newman [00:19:11]:
Yeah, it really does. You know, there’s so much that you. That again that you can learn from that. If you, if you can think back and you said something a little bit ago that you take time to go back and go through your day. What did you learn? Those types of things are so important. That’s something that really helps people grow. Right. Because otherwise we end up doing the same things over and over again and we don’t really ever get better.

Tim Newman [00:19:44]:
And to me, it’s just so important.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:19:47]:
Yeah. If we don’t track it, then we don’t really know what’s going on. Right. You got to track it. And I might be a little bit over the top with that. I will admit, like, I have a daily planner that I use all that type of stuff. But I’ll tell you what, it’s made a big difference in my life. And I know where I was yesterday versus where I am today and regularly had a friend the other day, I had a question for him, went to dinner, and it was me and him and our wives.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:20:10]:
And I was like, hey, man, I got a question for you. Let me run into the car and grab my planner. And I told him, like, this is a topic I’m focused on for the next 85 days, 90 days total, I’m five days in, I have a question. And he goes, of course you do this every day. And like, that was all he said. He had nothing else at all. He was like, of course you do. He’s like, you’re the guy who would do that.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:20:26]:
And he’s like, and in 90 days from now, you’ll know this topic better than anyone I know. And anyway, it was just one of those things. It’s like, hey, like. Like I want something specific to come out of this, so I’m going to be specific with my time, with what I want to learn.

Tim Newman [00:20:42]:
Here’s the other piece to that. You know that’s what works for you, right? Something else may work for somebody else, but whatever it is, you need to find out whatever it is that works for you and do it. Don’t do nothing. Find what works for you and do it every day. And John Maxwell, when you talk to John Maxwell, he says, what do you mean you do it every day? What does that mean? He says, it means every day. It doesn’t mean every other day. Doesn’t mean every third day. When he says he does something every day, that means he does it every day.

Tim Newman [00:21:17]:
And that’s what really precipitates that change.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:21:23]:
Yeah. And I think the daily habit, having a routine, it’s important. Like, if we want to go places, we’ve got to be willing to do that. And so whatever works for you, as you said, because everyone’s brain is different. Some people love digital stuff. I actually, sure, I’m a software founder, but I mostly do stuff on pen and paper, and that’s just what works for me.

Tim Newman [00:21:41]:
Yeah. And I’m all digital. I mean everything, primarily because if I write something down, nobody can read it, including myself.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:21:51]:
Should have been Dr. Tim.

Tim Newman [00:21:52]:
Should have been Dr. Tim.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:21:53]:
Well, you know, college professors Your training got doctors, you were close.

Tim Newman [00:21:57]:
Yeah, exactly. So, but let’s move forward a little bit in your life. You got into corporate life and you said once when you left corporate life and started Pod Match, you had to become a different kind of communicator. How did that transit transition change you and what did you mean by a different kind of communicator?

Alex Sanfilippo [00:22:19]:
Yeah, I’ll tell you what. After 15 years in big corporate, I was in the aerospace industry for listeners. I wasn’t an astronaut, wasn’t a skydiver, wasn’t a fighter pilot. Like one of the interesting stuff, worked by the computer. Love that job. I did it for 15 years before moving into what I’m doing now, which I consider to be more of a calling. But during that 15 years, like, I was a company guy. So, like now if I go back, I used to run meetings, now I host gatherings, right? That’s like one shift.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:22:45]:
When I used to speak at conferences, I spoke on behalf of that company, not of myself or my own brand. Like, I was trained to do exactly what I was supposed to do. It’s completely different. And I really thought, Tim, that when I left that job, moved into this, it would all just be a natural segue. It’s not.

Tim Newman [00:23:02]:
It’s not.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:23:03]:
It’s totally different. Like, because now I’m representing myself because it is my brand, my company, right? So it’s like, okay, well who’s this Alex guy who runs this company? That’s what I want to know. When previously it was like, oh, this is a multi billion dollar publicly traded company. This is a spokesperson for that brand, right? Like, it’s not the same at all. And I thought that they would translate. And of course some of the soft skills and stuff like that, like, they translate, right? But the mindset was so different, man. And like, I, I’ll be real. I did not transition well with that.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:23:33]:
Or I shouldn’t say it was a good transition. It just took a lot longer than it should have because I just felt like I was starting over completely. I lost what felt like all the confidence I built up over, over the years because it’s just now it’s me and that’s not what I was used to.

Tim Newman [00:23:49]:
So was there something specific that you struggled with or was it just confidence? Because I’m the same way. What I did in the way I communicated in higher education is very different here, and I’ve kind of struggled in changing that as well. But was there something that you struggled with or was it just your confidence in, in the communication I’d say the.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:24:15]:
Very first thing was feeling like I didn’t have a real story because I started listening to podcasts before I got into them. And back then there wasn’t as many podcasts. So, like, the shows I was listening to were the same big shows that all of us are big shows, like the high listener shows, mostly celebrity run. And so I kind of felt like that that was going to be the standard when I got into podcasting and into speaking, because it was kind of. They happened at exactly the same time. But, you know, I actually think what I needed was a conversation you recently had in your podcast. I’m blanking on her last name, but you had someone named Rachel on. The title of it was.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:24:43]:
I wrote it down is Mastering body Language and Authentic Authenticity in Public Speaking. She said this quote, which really stood out to me. She said, the stories you share don’t have to be all big and heroic, right? Not having these resonates with people more. I struggled the opposite of that because I was listening to these greats now, the pillars of our industry, thinking, I don’t have stories like these guys and like these ladies, like, I. What am I going to share that’s going to make me stand out at all? Like, I had a pretty typical job, good childhood, like, nothing traumatic. I don’t have any, like, story that’s going to be like, oh, man, this guy, like, he. He overcame everything, right? Like, that didn’t really happen. And yes, I’ve had highs and lows.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:25:23]:
Of course, I’m not like, downplaying my own life, but I really struggled with the idea of I don’t have anything that’s worth anyone wanting to actually listen to and lean in for. And I could not have been more wrong. And by the way, I encourage everyone go listen to Rachel on that episode. I don’t know if you can link to it or something, Tim later, but.

Tim Newman [00:25:38]:
I’ll link to that.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:25:39]:
My. My point is that was my struggle was thinking that my stories and my experience was not enough to warrant me having a stage, whether that be virtual through my podcast or on a podcast conference stage.

Tim Newman [00:25:52]:
Yeah, it’s. I’m with you 100% with you. You know, when you do academic presentations, academic conferences, it’s. By the way, I would rather poke myself in the eyeballs and do that. But it’s much different than getting on a stage and talking about something else. It’s much different than podcasting. It’s so much different. And it’s the same skill, but it requires different things.

Tim Newman [00:26:25]:
And one of the things that I’m working on now is telling three minute stories, right? And my coach, he’s pulling things out of me and I told a story, oh, a couple weeks ago that my wife didn’t even know about and she said, wow, I didn’t know about that. But it’s pulling them out and finding a way to make them relatable and providing value and teaching something out of that story. And it’s a, it’s a, it’s a much more difficult process than, than people actually think. Because again, one, I don’t like talking about myself. Number two, you know, it’s, how am I going to make this mean something to somebody else if I, if my wife didn’t even know about it? We’ve been married close to 30 years, right? You know, so it’s, it’s a, it’s a difficult skill.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:27:14]:
That for sure, like, to me, it doesn’t sound like an easy skill, by the way. Maybe some. You’re like, oh, I got that, that sounds really complex. But you know, to your, to your point here, like those personal stories that you’re kind of drawing out and stuff like that, that’s exactly what I ultimately need to learn is just be more transparent. Like, it wasn’t to dress up my stories, make them sound bigger than they were so I could sound like everyone else in the space and nothing to do with that. It had to do with me learning to be transparent. When I was working for a company, my job was to not be transparent, right? Become. I shouldn’t say that.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:27:43]:
Me, Alex Sanflipo. Not be transparent, but be transparent about the company. Right? So I was representing a brand, a company, a product. Right now, yes, I might still have a product service that’s mine, but people want to know, okay, who’s the guy behind this? Like, that is the direction the world has moved. Especially when you’re working in a creator economy like this, you want to know who is this person? And so I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, right? Like, I’ll be real. Like after years of experience with like my, my, my talking points, my notes that kind of keep Alex’s personal life out of it to now stepping into fully, like, hey, here’s what I’m struggling with. Here’s where I’m at. That was a tough transition.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:28:18]:
And I’ll be real. It was a couple of years ago, I, I cried on a stage and.

Tim Newman [00:28:25]:
Yeah, I want to talk about that.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:28:27]:
Okay. All right. Yeah, let’s go, let’s go.

Tim Newman [00:28:29]:
So where did that come from? And what. What did you learn from that? Because. Because the first time I. I was on stage, I threw up.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:28:38]:
I haven’t done that, Tim. I think I draw the line somewhere.

Tim Newman [00:28:43]:
So. So where did that come from? How did that. How did that happen?

Alex Sanfilippo [00:28:49]:
It was one of the first times I decided to share. To share a story of mine. So when I was growing up, I really struggled with dyslexia, which, again, like, it’s something I’ve not really shared because, like, I mean, praise God, I feel like I overcame that. Like, I’ve. I’ve not stood that in a long time. But it’s one of those things that, like, talking about it made me emotional, but not because of the dyslexic side. It was because of, like, the grace my mom had with me. And it was actually speaking at a.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:29:17]:
It was a. It was a women’s creator creator conference. They always like to have one token guy keynote, and so they chose me. And I knew I wanted to get better at sharing personal stories. I had started, like, really doing this, but that was definitely the most personal thing I’d ever shared. I don’t think I’d ever actually voiced it, ever. And it was one of those things that, like, I just started talking and started sharing. I.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:29:38]:
I don’t know what hit me, man, because I’m not usually, like, much of a crier, but I. I couldn’t get myself together for a second, and I felt embarrassed. I felt like, hey, there’s no way they’re gonna have me. Like, they would never tell anyone. That was a good speaker, right? Actually, like, these are. The thoughts are running through my head. But the. In fact, the exact.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:29:55]:
And you know this, Tim. The exact opposite was true. Like, right. It apparently was, like, one of their best talks I’ve ever had. Like, there was a line of people to give me a hug afterwards. Actually, I think I gave. It was like, 300 hugs in the line or something like that. And so.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:30:09]:
But it was one of those things that, like, I was like, wait, this was actually good. Like, to my previous standard, I would have probably gotten rid of, written up for something like that. Right? Like, right when I was there for the job, and rightfully so. But now it’s me representing me and my brand that’s very much aligned with who I am, and that’s a good thing. Right? Like, it really messed with my head. But, man, like, I just started sharing transparently, and tears are what came up when I was doing that, you know?

Tim Newman [00:30:36]:
And it’s funny, not that you were in that position. But it’s funny how that happens, right? It’s funny how it’s the exact opposite of what we actually think. Because we’ve been telling ourselves this for forever, right? That we have to be buttoned up, we have to be on point, we can’t make mistakes, we can’t show emotion, we can’t show anything other than we’re laser focused on whatever the messaging is. And if we’re not, we’re a failure. And it’s the exact opposite.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:31:10]:
It is the exact opposite. And I think that people that are up and coming speakers, that’s a hard thing to hear. Like, especially more type A people like me. Like, I love a good three point, you know, topic message. Like, give me five ways to do this. Like, and I love to share that way. But I have learned that if I’m going to share that way, it’s got to start and end with a story. It’s got to start and end with some transparency.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:31:32]:
It can’t just be the facts anymore. The world is changing. The way that people learn is changing. And for the up and coming speaker, that’s like, no, no. The person who knows their five points the best is the best. I actually think now it’s a person who can interject themselves into those five points the best, transparently, in a really raw way. At least for me, even as someone attending an event, that’s what I resonate with more than anything. And like, I’m not saying don’t be polished, don’t know your talking points.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:31:57]:
I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying you’ve got to be the core of it because we can go find those talking points somewhere else probably right? What makes it resonate with somebody is the way that you interject yourself into it. And it sounds counterculture, it sounds totally against conventional wisdom. But Tim, like, are you seeing the same thing? Like, I really want to ask you that because it’s what I’m saying.

Tim Newman [00:32:19]:
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that’s when I stopped being buttoned up. That’s when I started getting better. That’s when I started, you know, having a little bit more interaction and engagement with, with the audience. That’s when I started seeing more feedback. When I stopped trying to be perfect, stop trying to be buttoned up. And to your point, I want to make sure that the audience hears this. And we’re clear.

Tim Newman [00:32:50]:
We’re not saying that you don’t prepare. We’re not saying that you don’t do the things that you need to do to Be good. You still have to do those things. All we’re saying is give more of yourself, show some more of your personality, of who you are, of, you know, your, Your story. How did you come to this point? Whatever. Whatever it is that you’re talking about. That’s what we’re saying.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:33:19]:
Yeah, I think that, I think this is just the direct, like we both said this direction things are going in like it really is. And for me, I can remember someone who shared a story versus a point which I think is all of history. Right? Like we can remember stories, not necessarily the points, but when someone does just a beautiful job interjecting those two things with their own emotion doesn’t mean tears like me, right. But their own emotion involved in it. Like, man, does it land. Right? Because then you can connect all the dots, but they share the story. And their point was this, right? Like versus disconnecting the two. And so I think it should be freeing because.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:33:53]:
Because the day of having to be the perfect speaker, that is just like flawless, I think is just not what people are resonating with anymore. And I’m interested in. And like you and I as speakers though, of course we look at those individual, like, wow, you know, like 45 minute presentation, not one air perfect from start to finish. When somebody listening who’s just trying to learn might be like, huh, what are you. What are you talking about? Right.

Tim Newman [00:34:15]:
Like, right, exactly.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:34:16]:
They might not realize that. And that the thing is, because they’re looking for the connection between the. You them, I should say, and the person on stage. And I know I’m. I don’t mean to talk in circles, Tim. I just kind of passionate about this topic these days.

Tim Newman [00:34:29]:
No, I mean, the more, I think the more people hear that, the more it’s going to resonate. The more they’re going to. The more hopefully that they’re going to listen to it and then be able to act on that and become that. Because I think that’s the. That’s really all we want. And it could be on stage, it could be at a job interview, Alex. I mean. Right, right.

Tim Newman [00:34:48]:
I mean, where else do you really need to connect with somebody than at a job interview? You know, that, that to me is, is. Is so important. You know, getting yourself, getting you and your message and who you are across to whoever’s doing the hiring. It’s. If you can’t do that anymore because again, there’s. There’s so many people out in the job market, so many people that have the same skills that you do. What, What Sets you apart. What sets you apart is who you are and your story and how you can, can come across and tell that story and connect with whoever, whoever it is that’s doing that hiring.

Tim Newman [00:35:26]:
So important.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:35:27]:
Yeah. I actually like the idea of even thinking about my future talks on stage as a job interview. I have to. I don’t have a full thought on that yet, but I actually like the idea of even just like before I get on stage thinking about this as like a job interview versus because I act different on a job interview than I would on a stage. But maybe, maybe there’s some connection there. So that’s, that’s, that’s wise. I like that, Tim.

Tim Newman [00:35:46]:
Well, don’t go too far off the other end. You know, I’m a full time RVer and I was doing a job interview on the phone and started talking about living full time in an rv and I just kept on talking and kept on talking and we ended up talking about emptying the black water tank, which is a toilet and my daughter is in the other room. She just come home from college. You said, dad, stop talking. Dad, stop talking. Dad, stop talking. I never heard from him again. I never heard from him again.

Tim Newman [00:36:19]:
So I didn’t get the job.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:36:21]:
So you’re saying there’s a balance, Tim, I got you.

Tim Newman [00:36:24]:
There is a balance.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:36:25]:
Thanks, coach Tim. I appreciate you looking out for me.

Tim Newman [00:36:28]:
You know, it’s. But it’s, it’s. Yeah, you’ve got to know when. When’s enough. So. But yeah, what is? Speaking with confidence in your own words.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:36:45]:
It’s from the heart. First off, it’s got to come from the heart. It’s got to be something that really gets you going that you’re excited about. The only way you can have confidence can’t be faked. So it’s got to be the things that you like, truly believe that you truly are excited about. And then you just get out there and talk. And for me, I always just imagine a room of one person who showed up because they know that they need to hear what I’m going to share. And that’s the only way I can really speak with confidence is if I show up thinking of that one person sharing with passion, sharing from what I actually really know.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:37:17]:
That’s when I connect the best.

Tim Newman [00:37:22]:
So when. Let me ask a kind of a follow up question. When you, when you’re getting ready to go on stage, what’s running through your head?

Alex Sanfilippo [00:37:30]:
Well, first is the nerves, right, that we’ve all, we all get. Tim. Was it Mark Twain? I Think who said the quote. There’s two types of speakers in the world. There’s those that don’t get nervous, or what is it? Those that get nervous that are liars. Is that right? Yeah. And so the first thing is the nerves are always there, but that’s my trigger, my reminder to think of two things. Number one is, I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it for them.

Tim Newman [00:37:56]:
Right?

Alex Sanfilippo [00:37:56]:
That’s the very first thing. I’m not doing it for me. I’m doing it for them. And there’s just one person here I need to serve. I literally say those things out loud before I walk onto stage. Just to me, just myself. And I literally am like, alex, you’re here to serve somebody else, not yourself. And there’s one person here who really, really needs you today.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:38:12]:
Get out there and help them. And that, for me, just deep breath. Following that, like, calms me down. It reminds me, like, hey, I’m not here to perform or to. To be some form of. Sure, I’m. I need to be entertaining, but I’m not the entertainment. There’s someone here who needs me, and my job is to find them and help them, and that is.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:38:29]:
Has helped me so much, man.

Tim Newman [00:38:31]:
So when you. When you do that and you go through that process, do you feel like. Like a weight lifted as you’re walking on stage? Because, you know, it’s okay. This is what I’m doing. And now as I’m up, I’m walking up, I’m. I’m ready to go and do that. Do you. Do you feel like there’s a weight lifted or.

Tim Newman [00:38:47]:
Or is it still there until you actually start talking?

Alex Sanfilippo [00:38:50]:
No, the second I. I think. I don’t know what it is, Tim. And you’re much more experienced than I am on this, so you might be able to, like, articulate better than I came. I’m. I’m going to try here for everyone listening, but the. The second I start walking on the stage, it’s like I go into a different mode. I’m never talking about something that.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:39:06]:
That I don’t know about. Like, I. I will not accept a stage where someone’s like, oh, Alex can probably talk about this. Like, I’m not going to do that. Like, it is my topic, which is pretty much podcasting, like, being a guest or being a host. Right. Like, that’s what I talk about. And sure, I run a software company, but I don’t speak at software conferences.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:39:21]:
Like, I don’t actually know that craft as well as some people. Do I understand podcasting? Like, that is what I know. Those are the stages I go on. So once I’m there, there’s no real like, oh, I’m gonna remember my points. No, no, I know my, my points. Like, I can, I can sit in my sleep. Right. Like, I know what I’m going to talk about.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:39:35]:
It’s just the anticipation of getting there. And sometimes it can even start like a week before I’m gonna give a talk. Like, it’ll just hit me like, oh man, I’m giving a talk in a week, you know? Right. And that, that’s kind of like where the nerves come back up. And even then I’ll start telling myself, like, it’s not for, not for me. Right. It’s. It feels like the second I hit that stage, I’m, I’m in a different mindset, a different mode, and all the nerves are completely gone.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:39:57]:
Like, I guess at that point, whatever happens, happens. Maybe I just come to terms with the reality. I don’t know.

Tim Newman [00:40:02]:
Right. Yeah. Yeah. So for, for me, the weight doesn’t get lifted until I start talking. And again, I get it. It’s me putting that pressure on me because again, I want to make sure that I’m providing value to me. That’s the sole purpose I’m here to provide that value. And it doesn’t lift.

Tim Newman [00:40:29]:
Sometimes it doesn’t lift till after I’m a couple minutes in and I start to feel that, feel the rhythm or feel the, you know, I feel myself breathing again. And so, you know, it’s, there’s. It really kind of depends. Do you have a walk up song?

Alex Sanfilippo [00:40:48]:
I recently got asked this, Tim. I didn’t have one, but now, now I do. It’s a song called Loyal by Odessa. And just because you get it first, like, I don’t know, 20 seconds of it, 30 seconds of it. And I just, I don’t know why. I’ve always really enjoyed that song. So when someone asked me, I said that that’s what I wanted to be. But if you would have asked me a month before this time, I’d be like, I don’t know.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:41:08]:
Right. So. But now I do. Loyal by Odessa, I think is, is my walk on song.

Tim Newman [00:41:13]:
Say sometimes I, I play it in my head. Like I, I hear it in my head.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:41:17]:
So you have one and you play your song in your head even if it’s not playing.

Tim Newman [00:41:20]:
Even if it’s not playing.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:41:21]:
Right. That’s cool. I like that.

Tim Newman [00:41:23]:
You know, it’s. So it’s. Again, it’s, it’s it’s. For me, it’s just a strategy to, number one, to. To. To get me fired up, to bring some energy out there, and number, number two, to let some of that other pressure go. Yeah. So that I’m.

Tim Newman [00:41:40]:
So. I’m actually ready to. To provide that value. Ready to talk about whatever it is that I’m going to be talking about.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:41:47]:
That’s a. That’s a. I’m going to start. I’m even listening to my song before I start. You know, like, that’s cool. That’s a good insight, Tim. Thank you. That’s a good hack right there.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:41:53]:
I like it.

Tim Newman [00:41:54]:
So what’s one practical thing our audience can start doing today to communicate or serve more confidently? Because you and I are big believers in. If you’re going to spend some time listening to this, we want you to be able to walk away and start doing something now to be better or to get over whatever it is. What can they do?

Alex Sanfilippo [00:42:17]:
Yeah. I’ll kind of piggyback off the last thing I just talked about, which is remembering that you’re there to serve someone else, not yourself, and you’re there for one person. That’s what works for me. Come up with something like that. That works for you. And don’t just be like, okay, I’ll say this next. I’m going on stage. No, no.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:42:31]:
Start now. Start in your prep. So as you’re preparing for your next talk, find the things that really resonate with you, that calm you down, that bring you to the proper center. Like, listen, the nerves are going to be there, and that’s okay. It’s actually not a problem. Like, we’d be. We wouldn’t really be human if we didn’t get nervous about stuff. But, like, here’s another example of something that I like to do.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:42:49]:
If I ever just feel like I can’t overcome the nerves, I remind myself I’m not actually nervous. I’m just really excited. I’m not nervous. I’m just really excited. And that comes up a lot more like my prep. So, like, if I feel like I’m over prepping for something, I start getting nervous. I’m like, ooh, this is me. A lot to remember.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:43:02]:
I’m not nervous. I’m just excited to get to share this information. Find your thing like that and start voicing that now and let that follow you all the way up till the time you’re walking on the stage or even a couple minutes after on stage. But. But figure those few things out, write them down and start repeating them when you find the right ones. I actually find that they’re really helpful.

Tim Newman [00:43:21]:
Alex, that is so good. Because it’s a mindset shift. Just like that. Being nervous to being excited. I mean, it’s a completely different thought and feeling.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:43:35]:
Yeah, it is, but chemically, it’s actually really similar in our brain. I looked at science one time, so it’s like in your brain, being nervous or being excited are actually very, very similar or not so. But you’re right. It’s a complete. You feel completely different when you say I’m nervous or I’m excited. Like, you look at someone different if they say that too. Right, right. Like, it’s.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:43:53]:
It’s just. It’s a full shift. And for me, that’s another one of those really helpful things along the way when I’m prepping.

Tim Newman [00:43:58]:
And I’m sure the body language and facial expressions change too.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:44:02]:
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Tim Newman [00:44:04]:
That’s awesome. Where can people connect with you?

Alex Sanfilippo [00:44:07]:
Yeah. Tim, again, thank you for having me. Congratulations on 100 episodes, man. Like, that’s something I want to say. Like, 100 episodes is just like unheard of in the podcasting space. And I know that you’re still honestly just getting started, the impact that you’re having and going to have. So first and foremost, again, thank you for anyone who enjoyed this day. Want to learn more about me podmatch.com forward/free Spoiler everything I do is in podcasting.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:44:28]:
So podmatch.com free will just give you nine ideas to be a podcast host, to be a podcast guest, or if you’re already one or the other nine ideas to really help you move forward. I don’t ask for email address or anything like that. It’s just my way of being able to help. So if podcasting or podcast guesting might be a thing for you, podmatch.com free but my main suggestion, hang with Tim. You’re really taking people places, man. As a listener myself, again, thank you.

Tim Newman [00:44:48]:
Alex, thank you so much. I appreciate you just saying that. But I also encourage listeners to be a guest on a podcast because you’re listening to them. Get that feeling, get that, get on and share your thoughts and ideas. It’ll change your life. It’ll change how you approach things and how you look at things. So I appreciate you doing that. And Alex, I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve done for me for this podcast, for podcasting, and for joining me today.

Tim Newman [00:45:23]:
I really do appreciate it, buddy.

Alex Sanfilippo [00:45:24]:
Tim, again, thank you. It’s an honor to have been here.

Tim Newman [00:45:26]:
Today and we’ll see you. Actually, we’ll see you soon. Podfest, right?

Alex Sanfilippo [00:45:32]:
Yes, we will. I look forward to it.

Tim Newman [00:45:33]:
It’s going to be awesome. Thanks so much. Take care. Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidencepodcast.com to get your free eBook, Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and How to Overcome Them. You can also register for the Formula for Public Speaking course. Always remember, your voice has the power to change the world. We’ll talk to you next time. Take care.