Have you ever wondered why absorbing other people’s emotions seems to drain your energy, and yet rarely solves the problem at hand? In today’s episode of Speaking with Confidence, we’re diving into the real reason “feeling their pain” might actually be holding you back, and I’m sharing a simple, tactical move that works better and keeps you in control.
I’m Tim Newman, your host, a recovering college professor turned communication coach. Through years of working with clients, students, and teams, I used to believe that being a great communicator meant soaking up everyone else’s emotions. I’d match their energy, carry their stress, and walk away completely depleted and still facing the same challenges. Sound familiar? It took me a long time and guidance from negotiation expert Chris Voss to realize that this approach was not only exhausting, it was also ineffective.
In this episode, we explore the difference between emotional empathy where you feel what others feel and get swept away by it and tactical empathy, which is all about understanding others’ emotions without losing yourself in them. You’ll hear how Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, used tactical empathy to defuse high-stakes situations by naming the emotion in the room with precision, not by absorbing it.
We’ll walk through real examples from my own teaching days and coaching work, breaking down how simply labeling someone’s fear or frustration can disarm tension and open up productive conversations. I also point out the crucial final step that most people miss embracing silence after you drop your “label,” instead of rushing to explain or defend yourself.
Here’s what you’ll learn in this episode:
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Why emotional empathy depletes your energy but rarely solves the root problem
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The neuroscience behind why naming an emotion helps people and yourself think more clearly
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How tactical empathy is different, and why it puts you in control
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The exact three-second “labeling” move: “It seems like…”, “It sounds like…”, “It looks like…”
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A breakdown of what makes a label effective versus what falls flat
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How to handle uncomfortable silences and why they’re key to making this work
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A simple homework assignment to practice this life-changing skill in your next challenging conversation
By the end of this episode, you’ll be equipped with a powerful new approach for every situation where tension or defensiveness runs high without burning out in the process. Remember, progress, not perfection, is what moves us forward. Try out this tactical empathy tool this week and see how quickly your conversations shift. Your voice truly has the power to change the world.
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Transcript
Tim Newman [00:00:09]: You spent your whole career being told to feel their pain. That advice is wrong, and it's quietly draining you dry. There's a 3-second move that works better, and I'm handing it to you today. Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, the podcast that helps you build the soft skills that lead to real results. Communication, Storytelling, public speaking, and showing up with confidence in every conversation that counts. I'm Tim Newman, a recovering college professor turned communication coach, and I'm thrilled to guide you on your journey to becoming a powerful communicator. All right, let's start with a confession. For years, I thought being a good communicator meant absorbing whatever emotion was in the room. Tim Newman [00:00:45]: The client is furious about a sponsorship deal that fell apart. I match their energy. I nod. I frown. I let their stress climb straight into my own chest. By the time the call ends, I'm wrung out, and I still have to go fix the actual problem. Same thing happened constantly in the classroom. Student walks in with a failing grade and his arms crossed. Tim Newman [00:01:08]: I absorb his fear, his embarrassment, the dread of explaining this to his parents. I carry that around for the rest of the day. Here's the part that nobody wants to admit. None of that helped him. He was still failing. And I was just tired. That's the dirty secret of emotional empathy. It costs you your energy. Tim Newman [00:01:28]: It clouds your judgment and almost never calms the other person down. They don't feel better because you feel bad. They feel better when someone understands what's happening in their head without getting pulled under by it. Chris Voss draws a hard line here. And changed how I coach this stuff completely. Voss spent 24 years as an FBI hostage negotiator. He never once felt what the hostage, hostage takers felt. Emotional empathy is feeling what someone else feels. Tim Newman [00:01:58]: Tactical empathy is understanding what they feel and using that understanding to move the conversation forward. One drains you, the other hands you control. For free. Voss eventually ran the FBI's International Kidnapping Negotiation Program. He started out as a hard-charging cop who tried yelling at hostage-takers. Guess what? That didn't work. Pretending to agree with everything they said didn't work either. But guess what? There was one specific move that did work. Tim Newman [00:02:28]: He calls it tactical empathy, and the word tactical is doing all the heavy lifting in that phrase. This isn't about being nice. It isn't about finding common ground so you can hold hands and sing together. Tactical empathy means you understand the other person's feelings, and you say them out loud, but you never absorb them. Naming the emotion gives the other person a chance to stop being ruled by it, and you stay in control the whole time because you're the one doing the naming. There's real brain science behind this, and it's wild. Back in 2007, UCLA researchers showed people photos of angry and fearful faces while scanning their brains. When people just looked at the faces silently, their amygdala lit up. Tim Newman [00:03:13]: The amygdala is your panic center. It's your fight-or-flight switch. But when they were asked to say the emotion out loud, the amygdala calmed down, and the activity shifted straight into the thinking part of the brain. They didn't meditate. They didn't process anything. They just said the word. Valtz took that exact principle into hostage situations. Instead of muttering, I understand your frustration— sounds like a customer service script— he'd say something like, it sounds like you're worried about the FBI is about to storm the building. Tim Newman [00:03:49]: He named the specific fear with precision, and once he named it, The hostage-taker could actually think again instead of just reacting. That's tactical empathy in a sentence. You don't feel their pain, you identify it. You say it out loud with precision, and you let the act of naming it do the heavy lifting. This technique has a name. Voss calls it labeling, and it runs on 3 simple openers: it seems like, it sounds like, or it looks like. You observe the emotion, you attach it to one of those phrases, and you drop it into the conversation. Here's what it looks like when it goes wrong. Tim Newman [00:04:27]: A client misses a deadline and fires off a defensive email about the timeline being unrealistic. The weak response is, I understand your stress about this deadline. That's emotional empathy, and it lands flat because it sounds like it came out of a training video. Here's the labeled version instead. It seems like you're worried this deadline is about to blow up the whole project, and you're not sure anyone has your back. You didn't claim to share their pain. You named the exact fear they were carrying. And when you name it accurately, something clicks. Tim Newman [00:04:59]: They realize you actually see what they're dealing with, so they stop fighting you because they no longer have to defend something that's invisible. Let me give you my own version of this. I once had a student, let's call him Dean. who failed my class badly. He walked into my office with his arms crossed, his jaw set, fully braced for a lecture about attendance. He came in ready for war because he expected me to play the villain. Most professors would have either lectured him or tried to comfort him. Both of those moves fail. Tim Newman [00:05:29]: Instead, I looked at him and said, seems like you're convinced I'm about to be the biggest jerk you've ever dealt with all week. He laughed. Tension broke instantly. Because I said the thing that he was thinking before he had to defend it. Then I followed it up with, I'll fight for you all the way to the dean's office, but you have to do steps 1, 2, and 3 first. We have some leverage. That line does 2 jobs at once. The label disarms the wall because it shows him I see the fear underneath it. Tim Newman [00:06:00]: And the follow-up turns me from the enemy into the ally. I'm not the obstacle anymore. I'm the guy who helps him work the system, as long as he arms me first. That's tactical empathy in the college office with a kid who came in ready to hate me. Now here's where almost everybody blows the whole thing. They learn the phrase, they get excited, they use it once, and then they immediately start talking again. They label the emotion, and then they cancel it out by explaining themselves. Silence terrifies people. Tim Newman [00:06:30]: So they rush in to rescue the moment. But the label only works if you shut up right after it. You say the label, and then you count to 4 in your head and say nothing. You let the other person sit with what you just told them. Here's the wrong way. It sounds like you're worried this deal is slipping away, and what I want to explain is why your timeline actually makes sense. Here, you just killed it. The second you tackle in your own explanation, The defense wall shoots right back up because you basically told them you were only waiting for your turn to talk. Tim Newman [00:07:03]: Here's the right way. It sounds like you're worried this deal is slipping away. Then you stop. It's uncomfortable for about 2 seconds. Then the other person almost always responds. They confirm it, or they correct you and hand you better information. Either way, you just control the conversation without raising your voice or burning a single ounce of your own energy. Here's your homework. Tim Newman [00:07:24]: And it's simple. Pick one conversation this week where someone is defensive, upset, or pushing back on you. Before you respond with advice or an apology, label what you actually observe. Seems like you're frustrated with how that meeting went. Sounds like you're worried this deadline isn't realistic. It looks like you're getting pressure from above on this. Then stop talking. Slowly count to 4. Tim Newman [00:07:49]: Let the silence do the work. They'll drop their guard almost every time and start cooperating instead of fighting you. And you won't have to absorb a single ounce of their stress to make it happen. One label, one silence, one conversation. Try it before Friday. Tactical empathy was never about feeling their pain. It's about naming it clearly enough that you can both think straight again. That's the whole shift. Tim Newman [00:08:16]: Stop absorbing, start naming. That's all for today. Remember, we're looking for progress, not perfection. Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidencepodcast.com to get your free ebook, The Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and How to Overcome Them. You can also register for the Formula for Public Speaking course. Always remember, your voice has the power to change the world. We'll talk to you next time. Take care.