Tim Newman Speaks: 5 Common Listening Mistakes—and How to Fix Them

Tim: 0:08

Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, the podcast that helps you build the soft skills that lead to real results Communication, storytelling, public speaking and showing up with confidence in every conversation that counts. I’m Tim Newman, a recovering college professor turned communication coach, and I’m thrilled to guide you on your journey to becoming a powerful communicator. Make sure you hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode. In the most recent episode, I spoke with Kirk McCarley. He emphasized the importance of listening as part of the communication process. So let’s take a deep dive and look at five common listening mistakes and how to correct them. Let’s get started. Picture two versions of yourself One who zones out during conversations and one who listens with full attention. Which version do you think gets better relationships, better opportunities and better results? The good news is you can become the second version by fixing these five listening mistakes. Let’s break them down. No fluff, just practical steps.

Tim: 1:13

Mistake number one planning your response instead of listening. You ever catch yourself so focused on what you’re going to say next that you miss half what the other person just said. Yeah, we’ve all been there, and it’s not because you’re rude or you don’t care. It’s because your brain is wired to jump in and respond quickly. But here’s the kicker that habit of mentally rehearsing while someone’s still talking actually blocks real understanding. Your brain can’t fully process what someone’s saying and plan to reply at the same time. So what happens? You hear the words but you miss the meaning. Let’s put it into real life. Say, for example, a co-worker is explaining why they’re concerned about a project deadline. While they’re talking, you’re already prepping your response, thinking we’re fine on time, so there’s no need to panic. But you totally miss the actual issue. They don’t need more time, they need more help. So your response doesn’t solve the problem and it creates another problem. That’s conversation multitasking in action, and it just doesn’t work. Problem that’s conversation multitasking in action, and it just doesn’t work.

Tim: 2:31

Kydne’s load theory backs this up. Our working memory has a limit. If you’re using it to listen and plan at the same time, both suffer. Brain scans show this. They show that your prefrontal cortex lights up when you’re preparing your reply, while the part of your brain that processes sound is also trying to do its job. This causes neither one to do their job well. One study found people remember only 25% of what they heard when they were busy thinking about their response, compared to 68% when they focus on listening first.

Tim: 2:59

And it’s not just about memory. People notice when you’re not really tuned in In relationships, they feel dismissed. In the workplace it leads to mistakes and misunderstandings. But when someone sees you making eye contact, staying still and facing them, that kind of presence builds trust. So what’s the fix? Practice mental silence. Train yourself to hit pause on inner dialogue while the other person is talking. Listen first, then respond. It feels weird at first, especially in fast conversations, but with practice it gets easier.

Tim: 3:36

This listening mistake is one of the most common but also one of the most damaging. It makes people feel unheard and it breaks communication on teams. But now that you see it, you can change it and avoid the mistake that causes even bigger disconnects. So let’s move on to mistake number two interrupting. Even if you have good intentions. I was just trying to help. That’s what most interrupters say and yeah, it usually is coming from a good place, but your brain doesn’t care.

Tim: 4:06

Just like we talked about in the three ADHD communication hacks that actually work episode, neuroscience shows that being interrupted triggers your brain’s threat response. Again the same response as if you were in danger, like if you were being chased by a bear that jolt you feel when someone cuts you off mid-thought. That’s your amygdala lighting up, and it’s not just giving you a bad feeling, it creates real problems in communication. In fact, workplace studies say 80% of conflicts start with this pattern. Someone’s venting about stress and instead of just listening we jump in to solve. It Sounds helpful, right, but in doing that we skip the part where they feel heard, and here’s what the research says happens.

Tim: 4:51

Next, the speaker goes from open expression to defensiveness. They start editing what they say or stop talking altogether. Even small interruptions lower how much people remember from the conversation. Here’s a wild stat. The average person interrupts after just a half a second of silence. But most people need between one and a half and two seconds to finish processing their thoughts, and that tiny gap creates a big disconnect. So what’s the fix? It’s called the two-second rule and it’s simple Wait a full two seconds after the other person stops talking before you respond. That space lets them add afterthought and gives you a better shot at actually understanding what they meant. If you’re having tough conversations you may want to stretch that to maybe five seconds. You’ll be shocked how often the real point comes out in that pause.

Tim: 5:41

This one habit can seriously change how you show up as a listener. Managers who pause just a bit longer score 30% higher in leadership ratings. In fact, one tech company found that teams with non-interrupting leaders solve problems 22% faster. And it’s not just about words. People pick up on your body language too. Leaning in, sucking in a breath. Those little signals make folks feel rushed. So next time your partner says I’ll finish quickly, check your posture. You might be accidentally cutting them off without even saying a word. Here’s a challenge For the next three days keep track of how often you interrupt, including the sneaky little ones like right. So what I was thinking is you’ll probably underestimate yourself by a lot. Then try the two-second rule and see what shifts. Conversations will get deeper and you’ll build trust without even saying anything. Now, even if you master this, there are more listening habits that fly under the radar, and it might be costing you more than you think.

Tim: 6:42

The distraction trap is mistake number three. Your phone isn’t the only thing pulling your attention away during conversations. Distractions come in all forms. It could be a buzz from your phone or a ping from your laptop. It could be mental clutter like your deadline hanging over your head or remembering you have to go to the store to get eggs. It could even be environmental stuff, like chatter nearby or traffic outside, or for me, it could be birds, squirrels or even the smell of smoking a brisket. And even if your phone is face down, just having it in sight drops conversation quality by 32%. Mit researchers found that effect gets even worse during emotional conversations.

Tim: 7:21

Now picture this A friend opens up and shares something personal and you glance at your watch. They notice their face drops, the vibe changes and they probably start thinking maybe this doesn’t matter to them. After all, eye tracking studies back this up. Listeners focus drifts within 90 seconds and the speaker picks up on it fast and the brain reacts like it’s under threat. And in the workplace this kind of disconnect is behind 60% of preventable mistakes. Each distracted moment adds what researchers call conversational debt and the cost. People start pulling back, coworkers leave out key information, friends keep it surface level and partners stop sharing what really matters. Heat map studies even show a pattern Eyes jump from phones to doors, to clocks, and when that happens the speaker’s core level rises and they feel a disconnect, even if they don’t know why.

Tim: 8:16

So what’s the fix? Single-tasking, and you don’t have to go all in at once. Start with ease. Put the phones away during important conversations, like away, out of sight. Mentally repeat the last three words the speaker says. It keeps you anchored, if possible. Face away from distractions like windows or walkways. You should also watch your nonverbal cues, shifting your body away, sneaking glances at the clock, n nodding just to keep the conversation going. Those all get noticed within 30 seconds and when you’re distracted you’ll only retain about 25% of what’s said. But when you’re fully present, the results speak for themselves. Teams wrap up projects 18% faster. Customer satisfaction jumps by 22 points. Couples report 40% better conflict resolution just from removing the devices. Here’s a tip Track this.

Tim: 9:06

Pay attention to how often people say never mind. That’s usually code for you weren’t really listening. And as you build better habits, you’ll start noticing the little things, the details that others miss. People will start to share more and trust will start to grow. Start by removing just one distraction, then build from there. This is how you reclaim real connection. Get ready for the next hidden habit that holds us back from fully listening.

Tim: 9:31

Mistake number four is assuming instead of asking. We’ve all done it, think we know exactly what someone’s about to say. But how often are we actually right Turns out not very often. Studies show that most of us misinterpret what others mean way more often than we realize. Why? Because our brains fill in the blanks with assumptions based on our past experiences. It’s a mental shortcut meant to save time, but it backfires when the information is fuzzy or incomplete.

Tim: 9:59

Let’s break it down. Picture a split screen. On one side, you’ve got assumption-based listening. A coworker mentions struggling with a project and your brain goes lazy. So you start offering advice how they can push through, maybe even drop the project. But the problem is you missed the actual issue it’s a lack of staffing. Now flip to the other side. You’ve got assumption-based listening, curiosity-based listening. Instead of jumping to conclusions, you ask what part of the project feels most challenging, and that one question cuts through the fog like a flashlight. And now you’ve got the truth they’re buried in too much work not slacking off.

Tim: 10:36

See the difference? When we assume, we create false stories and over time, those stories chip away at trust. In fact, workplace studies show that when managers make assumptions about why employees are unhappy, they get it wrong 65% of the time. The International Listing Association yeah, that’s a real thing says that close to 60% of preventable conflicts come from assumption-based misunderstandings. So what’s the fix? It’s called verification. Repeat back what you heard, then check if you got it right. Something like so you’re feeling overwhelmed. Is that what’s the fix? It’s called verification. Repeat back what you heard, then check if you got it right. Something like so you’re feeling overwhelmed. Is that what’s going on? It gives them the chance to clarify and keeps you focused on what they’re actually saying, not what you think they’re saying.

Tim: 11:17

Leaders who use this strategy see a 22% boost in team innovation, and asking good questions does more than clear up confusion. It shows you’re listening, it slows you down and it helps uncover things that might have stayed buried Like this project is tough actually means we’re missing a key tool. Brain scans even showed that switching from assumption to analysis mode makes your understanding more accurate. Here’s a challenge Keep a tally. How often do you say I assumed versus? Did you mean? Try asking just one clarifying question in every important conversation this week. It’ll start to become second nature and your relationships both at work and at home will thank you, because the more space we create for real meaning to surface, the less room there is for misunderstanding. Moving on to mistake number five making it all about you?

Tim: 12:12

You ever notice how some conversations feel like a hall of mirrors, your voice bouncing back even when someone else should be the focus. That’s called conversational narcissism and it shows up in over 60% of daily interactions. Why? Because your brain loves it. Talking about yourself lights up the medial prefrontal cortex and it gives you a hit of dopamine. So even if you don’t mean to make it about you, your brain is nudging you to do it. But while your brain gets rewarded, the other person feels pushed aside.

Tim: 12:48

In the workplace this matters. Teams with self-centered leaders report 37% lower psychological safety. People stop sharing because they expect to be overshadowed. Watch for these signs, such as matching someone’s struggle that happened to me too or flipping emotions. You think that’s bad? I once dot dot dot. Or how about this one Hijacking good news Congratulations. That reminds me of when I dot dot dot.

Tim: 13:17

We all do it. But there’s a fix. It’s called you-centered responding. Try this. Focus fully on their story, for example. That sounds tough. How are you handling it? Or ask a follow up. What’s been the hardest part? Or, try this, if it fits, briefly relate your experience.

Tim: 13:38

I felt something similar. Does that compare? It works? One manager saw a 28% boost in team openness. Customer service reps using this approach improve satisfaction scores by 19 points. It works. One manager saw a 28% boost in team openness. Customer service reps using this approach improved satisfaction scores by 19 points. Even at home, partners and kids open up more.

Tim: 13:55

Small shifts help Swap. I know how you feel, for help me understand what that feels like for you Replace. That’s like when I with tell me more about your experience. When you stop making it about you, connections deepen. And that’s when real listening begins. You don’t need to fix everything at once, just start small.

Tim: 14:19

Pick one habit to focus on this week. Maybe it’s giving people a full two seconds before responding, or maybe it’s catching yourself before shifting the spotlight back to your own story. Or maybe it’s putting the phone out of sight and really dialing in. Then watch what happens. Do people open up more? Are there fewer misunderstandings? Are your conversations smoother, deeper, more productive? As Michael C Bush puts it, listening has given someone the experience of being heard, and that starts with showing up and setting your own agenda aside. So what listening habit are you going to focus on first, and what kind of impact do you think it’ll have? Remember, we’re looking for progress, not perfection. That’s all for today. Be sure to visit speakwithconfidencepodcastcom to get your free e-book Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and how to Overcome them. You can also register for the Formula for Public Speaking course. Always remember your voice has the power to change the world. We’ll talk to you next time, take care.