Reinventing Yourself Through Communication with Jenny Alday Townsend

Tim: 0:08

Welcome to Speaking with Confidence, a podcast dedicated to helping you unlock the power of effective public speaking. I’m Tim Newman, a recovering college professor turned communication coach, and I’m thrilled to guide you on your journey to becoming a powerful communicator. I want to thank each and every one of you for your support. It truly means the world to me. If you have questions or if you want something covered on the podcast, just send me a message. Please visit timnewmanspeakscom to get your free ebook the Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and how to Overcome them.

Tim: 0:36

Today’s guest is Jenny Townsend. Jenny is a keynote speaker, podcaster, amazon bestselling author and thriving businesswoman focused on inspiring individuals to achieve balance in both their professional lives and marriage. Speaker, podcaster, amazon bestselling author and thriving businesswoman focused on inspiring individuals to achieve balance in both their professional lives and marriage. Having experienced and triumphed over her own marital challenges, she penned the book Stroke it as a means of providing support to others facing similar struggles. Jenny is a proud proprietor of Music Compound, a renowned music academy that has garnered accolades such as Best Women-Owned Business and Small Business of the Year. In recognition of her outstanding achievements, jenny was honored with the Entrepreneur of the Year Award in 2019. Now happily married, jenny takes pleasure in traveling, savoring delectable cuisine and cherishing quality time spent with loved ones. Jenny, welcome to the show. I’m so excited to have you here today.

Jenny: 1:26

I’m so excited to be here with you, Tim. I’m excited to be here with your listeners as well. So cheers to everyone listening in and tuning in today.

Tim: 1:33

Well, you know, I’m also really happy for you. I mean, you just got back from a trip to Cancun and you received an award for the best music school in the country.

Jenny: 1:45

It actually. So we won best music school of the year, which was an international award. I didn’t even realize it was international until I got to the conference and there was people from the UK, australia, new Zealand, canada and I was like, wow, well, that’s pretty cool, that’s news to me. So I’m super humbled and excited to share that with our team as well. We’re in our 10th year of business, so to be known as the best music school of the year, and I met a lot of the other business owners and music school owners that were there and that had applied, so it was a really humbling experience.

Tim: 2:17

That’s so exciting and you got to feel good about it. I mean, first off, you have a really interesting story and we’ll get into it and I love the whole idea of music school. But how did that actually come about?

Jenny: 2:29

So the short story is I was selling real estate in 2008.

Tim: 2:33

The market crashed.

Jenny: 2:34

I only had an associate’s degree and back in those days you had to actually have a bachelor’s degree to apply for most jobs, so no one would hire me without going back to college to get a actual bachelor’s degree so I could apply. And it was in my final semester where you had to develop a business plan. Around the same time I was waiting tables at two restaurants to try to pay my mortgage because I was in the process of short selling my house because I had lost all my income, and I was surrounded by musicians and individuals that wanted to connect. They wanted to collaborate, they wanted to jam, and so I took that idea and I put that on the docket for the business plan.

Jenny: 3:14

When I got to the financial aspect, I realized they didn’t really have much money and they did not want to pay for space. So I went back to a childhood memory where I met a young lady in her late 20s I was about 20, 21. And she was driving a Mercedes, lived on a mansion, had a boat on a canal, and I said what do you do? And she’s like I own a cheerleading school and I said one day I’m going to have a child-based business, having no idea what I was going to be doing.

Tim: 3:42

Right.

Jenny: 3:43

And so I went back to that memory and then I had an amazing childhood. My parents were so supportive and invested a lot of time, energy and money and I said, let’s go after the parents to fund the idea for the musicians. And that’s really how Music Compound came about. I mean, there’s way more to the story, but that’s the gist of it.

Tim: 3:59

Yeah, obviously, when you have something as big and successful as that, it’s not just as simple. As you go and you find a building, you open up the door and people show up. Obviously it’s a lot of hard work, but your background you’ve always been a hustler, you’ve always been an entrepreneur, you’ve always been somebody that has strived to be better and to get more.

Jenny: 4:31

So I mean it doesn’t surprise me how quickly and successful this has been for you. Yeah, it’s been a hard road. And I’m not a musician, I don’t have an education degree and I don’t have children, which most people think. Those are the three requirements you need to open up a music school. So the odds were against me and I heard a lot of no’s, but you know, that kind of just fueled me.

Jenny: 4:47

And I knew one day I was going to turn my dream into reality and ever since then we’ve been turning musical dreams into reality. So it’s a dream come true for all of us and the fact that we get to impact people and we’re teaching music. But we’re really focusing on a lot of life skills and development and it just is. I’m just really passionate about it. I love what I do.

Tim: 5:09

Well, jenny, you kind of really walked right into that because you know I watch one of the videos and I’m going to share that real quick for our listeners. What you talk about in this video is, you know, things that we look at for in terms of communication. You know the whole idea of community building confidence, stage presence, commanding the room. So let me just play this and let’s talk about it for a second.

Jenny: 5:33

First is community. Everyone loves the community at Music Compound. Two is boosting your life skills, whether it’s confidence, stage presence, commanding a room. Three is going to be transformational stories. So many individuals walk in super shy, afraid of the stage, and within three to four months they’re rocking that performance. They are launching their YouTube, launching their music career. It’s unbelievable. Four is going to be the performance opportunities that Music Compound provides, on-site and off-site, within our community. And fifth is developing a passion for practicing. We all know that we don’t want to practice, but with our teachers, the way that they inspire you and educate you, you are going to be going home wanting to play the instrument.

Tim: 6:17

So, you know, for me, I mean you hit on all the things that we really talk about in terms of communication. That last piece of practice, that’s what really kind of you know, locked me into this.

Jenny: 6:34

Yeah, it’s. You know, I come from a background of team sports. My parents were entrepreneurs and I also did 4-H, so I learned so many skills through those activities that really set me up for success. I mean, I’ve never met a stranger before. If somebody needs somebody on stage, or they need a performance, or you’ve got to fill in, or you’ve got to delay, I can jump right in and I’m very quick with my feet. I’m quick with my words. A lot of that comes from my upbringing as well. I wasn’t a straight-A student, I was a C student, but I was able to see my way to the very top and a lot of different avenues and ways from the upbringing and then since then.

Jenny: 7:12

So I mean we sell music memberships but we’re offering a transformation for anybody at any age, and we have a lot of adults as well. So a lot of confidence is created and that’s really what parents love about our organization. If they have confidence within our studio, they’re going to have confidence when they go into school or when they’re in uncomfortable situations, and that’s a life skill that can take you to the top of the company. I mean it can take you to the CEO position in the C-suite.

Tim: 7:41

Right, absolutely. And you know, especially the younger kids, they’re learning that now, so that’s something that will carry through with them when they become teenagers, going to high school, going into college, where you know a lot of you know especially younger people today they don’t have that, they’re not building that confidence, they’re not figuring out who they are which we’re going to really get into here in a minute but you know, the idea that they’re gaining that at such a young age is going to propel them much further than their peers 100%.

Tim: 8:16

So your book Stroke. I’d love to me the book. It’s a how to live your life. It’s a how to you know build relationships. It’s a how to you know across the board, and it’s a year old and we know the before. How has it changed your life since it came out?

Jenny: 8:39

Right. So my complete, all my life has been transformed since, let’s just say, the discovery in 2018. And for those that don’t know, it might discovered my husband had an affair with a coworker that I had predicted for several years, and everything came to fruition in February of 2018. And at that point, I thought I was going to have to sell my company or give up my marriage, and one had to go. I could not have both of them, and what I also realized is that I didn’t even know who I was. My identity was completely based on my music school. Everybody just knew me as Jenny from Music Compound. They didn’t know me for anything else, and I didn’t even really know myself. I didn’t have any hobbies, I didn’t relax, I never spent time with family and I was just. I basically isolated myself. So there has been a lot of transformation. I can speak from the personal side of it or I can speak from the business side of it. I don’t know which one you would like me to talk about first.

Tim: 9:42

Whichever, I’d like to hear about both. So whichever first, because isn’t that really the issue? Because we’re not just one, we’re actually multiple of things, right, we’re our professional lives, we’re our personal lives, we’re our husband or wife, we’re our parents, we’re friends. There’s multiple versions of us.

Jenny: 10:03

Yeah, 100%. So I’ll go into the professional, because that’s a shorter story. So, speaking of confidence as well, I hired people and I had confidence in people, but, as a leader, I wasn’t ready to release control, wanted to micromanage, I always wanted to have an opinion, and when this discovery happened in February 2018, it literally pulled me out of my business instantly, and I had to trust the people that I had hired, and I had to have confidence in them that they were going to be able to lead the company and deal with everything without me, and that is really, really scary, especially an entrepreneur, a business owner, I mean. I’m sure many people can relate to that, and it was something I had to do. So I walked out of my business in February and I left it in the hands of someone I hired January 4th and someone that I had hired in October who was 18. And the two of them took ownership of their roles, and they took the company from red to black, from old school to new school.

Jenny: 11:03

The biggest change, though, was that they became confident in themselves and their roles, and that boost of confidence is what they both needed to be able to take control of their own lives, their own finances their own roles at the company and really take over the entire company and the team, and I’m so proud of them. I’m so grateful. The team, and I’m so proud of them. I’m so grateful If my personal life didn’t fall to crap, I wouldn’t have been jerked off that roller coaster or that hamster wheel as fast as I would and I maybe would not have been able to have those team members, because I would have prevented them from leaning in and from growing themselves, much less the company.

Jenny: 11:41

So you know, there’s always a silver lining. I always love to say where there’s an obstacle there’s an opportunity. And for the company, that was the beginning of greatness. The company soared as far as growth, which then allowed me to take a paycheck so that if I did end up divorced then I would have been able to support myself, because prior to that I wasn’t on payroll. So that’s one way that transformed. I now have work-life balance. I don’t have to be at the company. I worked myself at a job. We have systems. There are so many benefits to what happened in the transformation. So that’s like the personal side or the professional side, the professional side.

Tim: 12:19

So you know it’s as we. Let’s go back. As you were younger, growing up and being the go-getter, being the entrepreneur, you only knew one way how to do it, and that’s the way that we end up doing things, and sometimes it does take a traumatic event to get us to wake up, and I think what people truly need to understand is that part of this. Like you said, you didn’t know who you were. I think most young people I’d say most people today spend very little time thinking about who they are. You know thinking about who they are. You know thinking about who, who they are as an individual, what their values are, what they like, what they don’t like, how they react to different stressors. You know all those things that come into to being a well-rounded individual. We don’t think about it, we, because we get up, we do what we always do. We go to work, we come home and go to sleep and then do it all over again.

Jenny: 13:26

Yeah, I definitely was a workhorse. I definitely was a force. I was always referred to as like a bulldog. I was definitely very much into my masculine energy and so much of me changed personally through the process. So once I was able to jump out of the company and go back home and really think about did I want to be married? Did I want to be with my husband? Who did I want to be personally, who did I want to be in the future and who did I want to share my life with?

Jenny: 13:55

I started asking myself all these questions and in this moment, when you discover that the love of your life, the person that you married and you share a home with and you’ve invested all this stuff in, has betrayed you, at that moment you don’t really feel like you can trust or you’ll be able to move forward. And a lot of times people are very quick to take action let’s get divorced and they’re ready to throw in the towel. And I could have very easily done that. But I decided to pause and take a moment and really evaluate the entire relationship. How did I contribute? How did I show up as a wife? Was I a good friend? Was I loving? Was I caring, did my husband know that he mattered to me and he had to ask himself a series of questions as well. So there was a lot of self-discovery, self-reflection through a time period.

Jenny: 14:47

Now we did separate, we moved out, we shared the house One person would live there one week, another person would live there another week. We divided our savings account. We listed our house for sale. We did a lot of things so that we could just split the assets. Fortunately, we didn’t have children to have to worry about, so we were really only able to focus on ourselves and it wasn’t about pointing fingers at the other person. It was more about turning the fingers back at ourselves. And I think through that process we both matured and we were able to see how we contributed positively and negatively and how we got there.

Jenny: 15:26

It’s not like my husband just woke up one day and said I’m going to go cheat on my wife, and it’s not like I started my company saying I’m going to start my company and I’m not going to be married in a couple of years. We didn’t set out for that future. Unfortunately, that’s just what happened. But during that time we did therapy on our own, we did counseling together.

Jenny: 15:49

I attended sound bath classes, women dancing classes, crystal healing classes. I also became very sick and I started going to see infectious disease doctors and a bunch of other doctors to find out why was I so sick. And around that time I saw acupuncturist and she said let’s heal your mind, then we can heal your heart and then we’ll be able to heal your body. And that’s really what helped me become the woman I am today, and through journaling and through acupuncture and through forgiveness and a lot of other things that I was doing, I was able to find forgiveness for myself woman I am today, and through journaling and through acupuncture and through forgiveness and a lot of other things that I was doing, I was able to find forgiveness for myself at the end of 2019, because there was a lot of blame and shame and then that’s when the recovery of the marriage started to happen.

Tim: 16:39

Yeah, I guess you know I’ve never had to deal with that. So I mean I can’t, you know, I can’t imagine what you’re going through and the whole idea. What was it that made you to, or caused you to, step back and not just react? Because, at least for me, I’m somebody who, if there’s a crisis, I’m very good in a crisis, so calm, cool, collected, think about options, and you know I don’t I very rarely make a snap decision, so what calls you to actually take a step back and to not make rash decisions?

Jenny: 17:19

So well. First and foremost, my parents not only divorced once, they divorced twice, and so I actually lived through this with my parents. I was in sixth grade the first time that my mom had an affair and she moved out. That was very depressing, sad and it was very hard on us kids. I actually came home from school and I arrived at home around 3.30 and my entire house was completely empty. My mom had taken all the furniture while my dad was at work and us kids were at school, and I found my dad in a rocking chair and it was the first time I saw my father cry Very, very sad moment. It still hurts me today. And that was the first time.

Jenny: 18:02

And then my mom came back my freshman year, and then my mom did the same thing my senior year, and then she moved out and I saw the hurt and the pain that it caused my father and my family. But what I also realized is that my dad held on to that hate and anger for most of his life. And when I called my father and I said, hey, this is what I’m going through, the first thing my father said to me was do not let the anger take over. Once the anger takes over, you’re never going to get past it and that was a reality check for myself.

Jenny: 18:39

I literally took a moment again and I said do I want to be like my father, who hated my mother? Couldn’t be in the same place, made our lives hell. Like my parents at our weddings was the most intense thing. That was the only time my parents could be in the same room together and we had to worry about it. And I saw all the things my father missed out on because he didn’t want to be in the same place as my mother, who was very active, and we all forgave her and we all love her.

Jenny: 19:05

So I just looked at the life that he had had and I said I don’t want to be that person.

Jenny: 19:10

I need to find a way to forgive myself and forgive my husband. Whether I stay together, whether we make this work or we don’t, I never wanted to have a regret. I do believe that my parents, if they were able to find forgiveness for themselves and work through it, they would have an amazing marriage today and my siblings would not have suffered and had drug problems and other issues if my parents were able to make it work. So that was really the reason I wanted to change the course of the future and I truly remembered the man I married. And I truly remembered the man I married and he is a good man, and not that I want to give him a hall pass, but I was able to remember the quality, the qualities, why I fell in love with him and all of the good traits about him. I didn’t really focus on the bad. I really found it in me to find the goodness in him.

Jenny: 20:04

And I guess just part of the process and that’s what I want to encourage everyone to, because I feel like there’s so many times where people just point the fingers and think it’s easier to throw in the towel. But my husband and I will celebrate 12 years of marriage in May.

Jenny: 20:17

And our marriage is the best it’s ever been. Our marriage is better than most marriages. We have more love, more intimacy, more connection. I mean all the respect and the trust that we have. We get a second chance at having a relationship together and sometimes you don’t realize what you have until you lose it yes and as much as the.

Jenny: 20:42

The. We went through so much pain and heartache and wish we didn’t have to go through it. We did, but we’re grateful that we did. If there’s one thing that I would encourage anyone that’s listening is if you are feeling defeated, alone, isolated, not loved, not feeling worthy, please share that with your spouse. My husband was afraid to share his feelings, and most men are, and they’re very needy. They’re so needy so I would encourage you to have those really tough conversations.

Jenny: 21:11

I believe if my husband would have came to me and said this is how I’m feeling and this is what I need from you and this is how I’m feeling about somebody else, I would have made actions, I would have changed things, I would have created the balance. I would have came home, I would have made a commitment to my marriage if I knew my marriage was on the line. And another thing I would encourage people is to understand their love language. My husband’s love language is quality time. I felt being on the couch and in the same house was quality time. I thought making him come to events with me was quality time, and it wasn’t. There was no conversation, I wasn’t present and I wasn’t focused on him, and so I think those are two important things that we both learned through the recovery process to rebuild the marriage.

Tim: 21:57

Yeah, and that’s great advice. And coming back to, for you to be able to do that, you have to know who you are, and he had to figure out who he was to be able to come back and be able to come back together there, because if it’s just you or if it’s just him, then it’s never going to work.

Jenny: 22:16

Yeah, and I would say I stayed true to who I am. I am a very strong, independent woman that loves others, I love to give and I have a lot of strengths and I attract a lot of people to me. I think at times that was too much for my husband, and my dad even said to him when he asked for my hand in marriage are you going to be able to keep up with her? Because I am a lot. So I am still that person. I just now have my priorities in line and I know what I need to be successful at home and in my marriage for myself and then for my company right and before it was my company, it was my life, my love, my passion, my everything, nothing and nobody else mattered.

Tim: 23:11

So how do you take that and what strategies do you use to empower others to be able to communicate those types of things to you, whether it’s your employees, whether it’s your husband, whether it’s your friends, family, et cetera?

Jenny: 23:27

Yeah. So I mean that brings us to the whole stroke it concept. So the book was inspired by, uh, the affair. And when we were in counseling he said, oh well, she made me feel good, she listened to me, she was present, she made me feel like a man and all the things. And I was like, oh so she stroked you emotionally, mentally and physically, and so that’s really where the title came from.

Jenny: 23:50

And then I started diving into that and you know how was I stroking myself? Was I telling myself I was beautiful? Did I say you’re a badass, you’ve got this. Was I pumping myself up? No, I wasn’t. Was I doing that for my husband? I wasn’t. And then I started looking at my employees. I mean, I was working for free, expecting them to work for free, or expecting them to work as hard as I was, and I was like, oh, this is why I’m having so many challenges at work with my team. So the whole stroke of concept really just blossomed and essentially it’s just ways you can approach someone to make them feel loved, validated, appreciated, heard so many times. We don’t feel that and that’s why our relationships are not strong, that’s why people don’t respect us, people don’t want to be with us, and so my book really covers all the stakeholders in your life and I say stakeholders because I come from the business background, but the stakeholders are the most important people within your life.

Jenny: 24:52

So, you, your spouse, your employees, your employer, your parents, your family members, your friends, and then, of course, because most people want to have fun with the name and I do too there is a chapter for your pleasure, and so, as my mentor says, it’s a great book from anywhere from the boardroom to the bedroom. And so there’s a lot of great tools and tactics in there, and especially for business professionals, about retaining employees, and you know, understanding their love languages. So, like one example, do you want me to give you an example?

Tim: 25:24

Yeah, yeah, please.

Jenny: 25:25

So I had two managers the two managers that I had when I had to step out of my work. They had two different love languages, one was quality time and one was gifts, and I could take a $20 bill and one would want me to take them and take them out to lunch, and one would want the $20 bill because they wanted to use that for something else, and just understanding those two little things makes a huge difference as far as our relationship, and so, once again, these are just some of the things that are in the book that can really help anyone, enhance any relationship, and I truly believe that most relationships can be healed and can be reconciled.

Jenny: 26:06

But we have to be willing to take ownership, have conversation, trust be, vulnerable and accept, and I think sometimes it’s hard to accept the facts or the apology or the story.

Tim: 26:19

Yeah, speaking of the two managers in there, I love the story about Taco Tuesdays how you could just go ahead and, for almost no money, bring tacos on Tuesday and everybody loves it. But that’s it. It’s more than the tacos. It’s the them feeling valued, or you showing them that, their value, that that you’ve heard what they’ve said and that you know you’re you’re, you’re.

Jenny: 26:44

You appreciate them for, for who they are and you know it’s, it’s all our tacos, I mean, it’s like 25 bucks and what. The conversations and the connection that happens at the table at work is so refreshing and so cool, versus it being about a meeting about the company of what’s not going right or what do we need to improve on. So when you come to the meetings to talk about the business, there’s also that sense of like oh, we have these kind of meetings on a regular basis, and a lot of times they’re positive too. So I highly recommend doing that, and there’s a lot of other things that we do as well to make sure that we’re encouraging our staff. I will say, though, last year, when I was really busy working on my book and my podcast simultaneously, we were in the process of doing a major expansion of a 10,000 square feet facility, and instead of taking a loan, I decided to fund that $200,000 straight out of my savings account, which caused me to be really stressful.

Tim: 27:39

A little bit. I just took a deep breath just to thought, oh boy, here we go.

Jenny: 27:44

So the type of leader that I was last year was I was exhausted, I was depleted, I was super stressed and then it was like I was on the high of doing the book, but then I was on like, oh my gosh, all this and emotionally I was just depleted and the business wasn’t growing as much as it had in the past and I just felt like people weren’t actually working as smart as before. They came very just la-di-da-da-da and so there was a lot of components and it caused a lot of friction with the team. So much so I had two different team members at different times come to me, they go. You’re not stroking us anymore, what do you want us to do? And I was like, oh, there you go.

Jenny: 28:23

But at the same time, that’s where I always go back and I don’t want to say but, but I do believe that there needs to be honest stroking. I’m not here to manipulate, I’m not here to say you’re doing a good job so that you work harder or work more hours. It’s only honest stroking which can be a challenge for the recipients that were so used to being stroked or so used to being taken care of. So there’s the flip side of you know what are they doing?

Tim: 28:48

You also empowered them to come to you with what they were thinking they weren’t. They didn’t just walk, just walk away and hide it and call your names and leave.

Jenny: 28:58

Right, yeah, there’s always a lot of conversation, lots of conversation. But I will say too, I did become very close with my team members and when I had to step back into the business to fix the financials and because of the expansion, everything, and because we weren’t growing, I had to come back as a different leader. And that’s really challenging too. When they’re used to hanging out with you, having lunch with you, you’re bringing them coffees and you’re having fun and everything’s just like fist pumps and cool, and you’re having fun and everything’s just like fist pumps and cool. When you have to come back in as a different leader, that’s really hard. And we actually went through a transition phase with some of our team members and people that have been with me for six-plus years, but everyone served the purpose and where the company was going. They weren’t aligned with that, so unfortunately, they had to go.

Tim: 29:51

They had to go right, and that’s part business, it’s part of life, it is what it is.

Jenny: 29:59

But I will say, as far as those individuals too, I think of obstacles as opportunities. So similar to when the real estate market crashed and no one would hire me. I ended up creating a business that I didn’t launch it. I started in 2009 with the plan, but I didn’t launch it until 2016. And then, when COVID happened, there was so much innovation and people were like finally got to do everything that they wanted to do that they couldn’t do before.

Jenny: 30:26

And same thing with this couple that had to leave in January. They had been wanting to leave for six months. They just needed someone to push them off the ledge and push them into discovering who they were and take their lives to the next level, and I truly think they’re going to be super successful. They don’t see that now, but they will in the future, and so sometimes I think, if you are going through whether it’s an affair or whether you’re getting fired look at the obstacle as an opportunity to look within, to grow and to transform your life, because sometimes it’s not about them. It’s more about you and what you can do.

Tim: 31:01

Right, right. You know, reading through your book, the Friends chapter really kind of resonated with me on a number of different levels. You talked about how you had a friend who snapped at you and said, do you ever stop talking about work? And how you took that and you cut her out. And I’ve been there, yeah, did you ever reach back out to that person?

Jenny: 31:43

Yeah, ironically enough. So that’s my friend, nicole, and we had been actually best friends since fifth grade and this happened probably like six years ago, so we’ve got a friendship over 30 years. And she said that to me. And what I later realized during the self-reflection is I was always talking. Every conversation was about me. Every conversation was everything I was doing, the changes I was making, the impact I was making, the people I was meeting. And that’s really one of the things that I learned through this whole process is, other people have a story to share, all the things happening.

Jenny: 32:24

So in that moment of reflection, I had to look within and say shut up and allow others. And so later, you know, her and I, we ended up talking and I did say to her you know, hey, I understand where you’re coming from. It took me a really long time to understand that. And same thing with my husband. You know, I was always talking about the company and he never had a voice. He never was able to speak. I was always talking about the company and he never had a voice. He never was able to speak. Now, all he does is talk. So I was not allowing others to be part of the conversation, and so her and I yes, we were friends again. And then I had told her about my book launch party several times and she didn’t put it on her calendar and she happened to be working at the place that my book launch party was at.

Jenny: 33:19

She’s like, but I wasn’t there and I was like you didn’t put it on your calendar and so, anyways, we had a big blowout again at the age of 43, um, and then we just made up again. So but you know, I think that’s friendships, especially when you’re friends for like 30 something years. You’re going to have these tips, but you can make amends and still work through it, but you have to talk about it and you have to forgive.

Tim: 33:43

And that’s the other piece that I think younger people need to understand. Friendships are like marriages it’s not always going to be sunshine and roses it’s. It’s.

Jenny: 33:55

There’s going to be disagreements, there’s going to be tough times and and you know, if you value these people in your life, you, you work through them and sometimes they, the friendship, has run its course, and that’s okay too has run its course, and that’s okay too, yeah, I think relationships require a lot of TLC and a lot of communication, and I think sometimes we’re afraid to share our feelings or how we feel or confront that person, because maybe we don’t want to have conflict and it’s easier just to shut down, be nice, don’t say anything mean and move on.

Jenny: 34:32

And I think it’s important that you talk about whatever is bothering you so that things can get resolved and you can move on. And I do believe that people are in your life for a season and for a reason, and they are there to disrupt and remind you as well of what’s important and what’s not. And I I mean like going back to our story. I mean that person was a very large disruptor in our life, but it allowed us to see what really cared and what we loved and what was at stake, and it was a really great reminder as well.

Tim: 35:06

Yeah, you know, and on top of that, I like how you talk about how, especially as we get older, how much different friendships are for for men and women, uh, how they evolve, how they’re built. And you know, I, I think you for for men, I think you nailed it, I really do it, you know. Um, it’s, it’s much harder for us. It’s, and I think I think it’s much harder for us because, and I think it’s much harder for us because of the way we’ve been brought up and what society says we should be and what society says we should do, and so that’s what we do.

Tim: 35:46

You know, I watch my two daughters. I grew up with three brothers. I didn’t have women in my life until, obviously, my mom, who’s a saint. Then I got married and had two daughters, so I didn’t really have women in my life until that point. And watching them it’s so much harder for them, I think, when they’re younger, but friendship-wise it gets easier as they get older. And for guys it’s the exact opposite. And you know, for me there’s a video out there by I think his name is Ryan Stevens, and he talks about how you need to have guys, need to have five friends, five different friends. They’re the ride or die, they’re the spiritual, the confidant, the hospitable and the hitman. Hitman and um, if you don’t have those five, then you’re not, you’re not actively living life, you’re not actively building relationships and and to me it’s all. I don’t care what business or industry in, it’s always about relationships, always it is I think for men as well.

Jenny: 36:51

I think some of them lack confidence yeah they do. I think a lot of that comes into play because there’s so much comparison. What kind of car you drive? What does your wife look like? How many kids Do your kids go to private school? What country club do you belong to?

Jenny: 37:07

Are you good at a hobby.

Jenny: 37:10

For example, my husband he really wants to play golf but for a long time he wouldn’t go play golf with other men because he wasn’t confident in his golf game and that was preventing him from getting out on the golf course.

Jenny: 37:20

Same thing with tennis. I was like, let’s go play tennis. He wasn’t a strong tennis player and I think a lot of that has to come down with confidence and the fear of judgment and this whole like be a man, and it’s really really unfortunate and I really hope some women out there and men that are listening really can key in on that, especially as they’re raising the next generation, to boost their confidence and really foster what they’re passionate about, so that they can have a hobby, so they can connect with individuals. I feel like a lot of my friendships are based on the hobbies I’ve had or the situations I’ve been part of and work or the work that I’m doing or volunteering as well. So finding people that are like-minded and share the same passions and core values is really hard too if you’re working from home or you’re isolated, which I think a lot of men are dealing with now men are dealing with now.

Tim: 38:15

Yeah, and so last week I was at a conference and you know, not being in the classroom anymore, it was so nice to be able to be around people. To you know I was. I did a round table and did a keynote and that’s around table. I said, you know, just sitting here at a table with with you, 20 people is so much better than sitting on Zoom, having this conversation, just the interactions, and it’s so much easier to communicate, it’s so much easier to connect there and I miss that. I’ve always said I hate people, but it’s not true. But I never thought I would say that I missed being around people, never thought that I would ever say that, and I do.

Jenny: 38:56

Yeah, I think the human connection is super powerful and I think being with people, you can feel their energy as well.

Jenny: 39:03

I think it’s important. So one of my mentors that was on my podcast you know had made some suggestions and I think rotary clubs are good, Finding a hobby, like Finding a hobby in your 20s, and kind of building that hobby base to where you know you have people and you can kind of boost that confidence in the game. I feel like that’s one of the reasons why I’ve never met a stranger is because I was involved in so many activities in my upbringing, whether it was elementary, middle school, high school or even my 20s where I can always find a connection with someone. Yes, and I think that’s what we need more of and I think men need that and I think too, sometimes they feel guilty for going and having a hobby and they’re getting guilted by a family member because they’re going and doing that. I read this wonderful book called Becoming your Spouse’s Better Half and it talks about how important it is for men to have time with men and women to have time with women.

Jenny: 40:07

And that really can change your relationship. And also it reminds you of what you have at home. It’s really special, because when people start talking about their spouses, you’re like, ooh, ooh, ooh, my husband does that, so that can be super powerful too.

Tim: 40:20

Yeah yeah, and I, I guess I’m just, I’m just built different, I don’t know um, if I want to do something, I just tell my wife, this one we’re gonna do. It’s not like can I, can I? Can I go hang out with this person and and she’s the same way, just go do what you gotta do yeah, but you both probably have friends we, we do, but I mean, I think, but we also do so much together, right, and it’s.

Tim: 40:55

you know, we talked about this when I was on your podcast. I mean, we literally do pretty much everything together, and so when it comes time to by the way, saturday, I’m going over here it’s there’s really no discussion. It’s not like, well, I haven’t seen you all week, it’s not like I haven’t. You know, we’ve got this planned or whatever. So I think it’s maybe that’s why we’re different, but I’ve also never been the person and she’s never been the person that I’ve known to to question or well, can I come? Well, yeah, you can come if you want. I didn’t think to ask you, but if you want to, you know what I’m saying. It’s not like asking permission.

Jenny: 41:35

Right, but I do believe that a lot of that has to do with your wife being confident and having her friends and her lives and her things and you having yours as well. If both people, both parties of this relationship, have those things, it makes it easier for us to say, yeah, go do your thing.

Tim: 41:53

Right.

Jenny: 41:53

If you have a relationship where one person is always active, going out, has the social lives, has the hobbies and the other one doesn’t? That’s where the conflict comes in. Yeah, and that’s kind of where my husband and I struggle at times too is because he has some friends I don’t think he has five, but maybe four but they all have children and so and we don’t have children, so there’s the disconnect there where the guys are always busy taking care of the kids or if they’re hanging out, the kids are all so um.

Jenny: 42:22

I think that’s where some of the conflict comes as well. Or there’s resentment because, like my in-laws, my father-in-law had a lot of friends. My mother-in-law didn’t. She just stayed home. So he would want to go and be with his friends and she would be like, well, go hang out with your boyfriend, or you want to go do this. And she was just angry and mean and resentful to him. And at that moment we would say, hey, why don’t you call some of your friends and schedule lunch at the same time?

Jenny: 42:49

That way you’re not feeling lonely or isolated, and if you are depressed or you’re not confident or you don’t feel like you have people to call, that’s when I think the judgment and the shame comes into play. So if there are listeners out there that can relate to this, I would say don’t wait for someone to call you. Make the phone call. Your friend may be waiting for you to call them. They may be needing to get out of the house in a reason and they may be, hey, thinking about you. You don’t even have to expect a reply, but at least that person knows that when they need you or they have time to hang out, that you’re available to be with them.

Tim: 43:35

Exactly, and it’s again, I think it goes back to what trying to conform to what society has told us what it should be, and and not not truly thinking it through that that that just doesn’t work, especially with how busy we are today. Right, I mean it’s. It’s. I go back to when I was a kid and I was very active, like you were, in sports and other things, and I was very active, like you were, in sports and other things, but my mom didn’t work until I was, you know, probably middle school, right, and so she was just always there, but she, but I, she, she had her, her ceramic classes, I think, on Tuesday and Thursday nights and she just went and did those things. And now, with where it’s been so common to have two-income households and we’ve just become so busy, I think that’s kind of where we’re at.

Jenny: 44:39

Yeah, and I think when that happens too, it’s about prioritizing your time to where you can create time for yourself, for others, but then also for your partner, because those are three different things that you need. You need time with friends and hobbies, you need time for yourself to just chill and do your reflection and process your days and your emotions, and you need to be with your partner and be present to where you can have intimacy, you can have conversation, you can have connection as well.

Jenny: 45:09

And I mean, we’re all busy, we’re all exhausted, but we only get one life and that life should be fulfilled and it should be happy and it should be filled with love, and it should be with people that you genuinely care about and that genuinely care about you.

Tim: 45:24

Yeah, and so how did you kind of figure out the work-life balance? Because even when you’re going through the trauma that you went through and I’m kind of thinking about it myself from how I operate I mean, I could be at work all day, every day, get up at six, be here till midnight, go home, go to sleep and come back and do it all over again. But you know, at one point, you know when this was before I moved to Atlanta, when I was teaching, we lived literally right around the block from where my office was and there would be times my wife would come over to my office at 10 o’clock and there would be work, be working with students on projects. She would say, okay, you all need to let him go home. And and finally, you know, at one point she said you cannot continue to do this all the time. And she was right.

Tim: 46:29

I ended up getting had some health issues, primarily because I was really nonstop. My schedule was get up at 4.30, go to the gym, go teach, go to the gym for lunch, work till midnight.

Jenny: 46:46

Wow, are you happy?

Tim: 46:50

I’m much happier now than I was then.

Jenny: 46:53

Yeah, but it sounds like some adjusting could be in the future. So for me I had to become very structured with my time and my energy. So I actually printed out a weekly schedule with the times and everything and I started doing block scheduling. So from six o’clock in the morning until 8 pm I had literally a schedule. So my alarm would go off at six and I had on my calendar, on a piece of paper and on my phone snuggle time, because once again my husband was about quality time and personal touch. So I had to snuggle and stroke him in the morning before I got out of bed because I would just get out of bed and he’d wake up alone.

Jenny: 47:32

So I would do that, and then I would do me. So I would go work out, I would go play tennis, I would journal, I would go for a walk and I would do me so that I was in the right mindset and I was able to be happy and able to give myself to other people. And then I developed my work day and then at 4 o’clock I was done working. Now I could come home. I could then journal, I could work on a passion project, I could do hobbies, but then I was ready to rock and roll with my husband at the time he got off work at 5.30. And then I would spend time with him in dedicated time where I’d be completely present. So I basically split my time up in thirds. So I would do me in the morning work and then my husband at night, or vice versa.

Jenny: 48:17

And then I also had to commit to only going out with friends or at events three nights a week, because I would be out like six and seven days a week.

Jenny: 48:27

So I had to be home. You know four days, right. And then I had to make sure I communicated what days I was going to be home so that I could be having dinner with my husband. Or if I wasn’t going to be home those are the nights then he would go and hang out with his family or he would make plans with his friends so that he wasn’t home missing me. He was then having connection with other people or working on whatever he wanted.

Jenny: 48:50

So I feel like because I created such a structure of my schedule and once again it was on my refrigerator, on a piece of paper for me to see every morning, and that I literally had it in my phone so that I could stay focused and because I created that balance, I literally took my like 60 hour work week to probably 20 hours a week, and so weeks I only ended up working 15 because I was so focused and so efficient with my time, and then I would have office hours and then I would have work at home hours so that I had dedicated time for certain projects.

Tim: 49:23

Was that a difficult adjustment? Because I can feel the hair on my back, you know, standing up already. Just the thought of that, I mean because, especially if somebody in your position and what you do, I mean I can see you having to go to events seven days a week and now you’ve got to pick and choose. Now, as much as I’d like to be there, I’m committed to doing this. Was that a difficult adjustment?

Jenny: 49:47

So it was. I used to suffer from FOMO and now I don’t, and now it’s like you know what, I don’t need to be everywhere, I don’t need to be seen. A lot of that was my ego, and I was seeing the same people at the same places and at the end of the day, I was trying to phase myself out of being the face of the company. So then I started investing and enlisting the team members and giving them those opportunities so people could start building trust with them.

Jenny: 50:11

So that they could start working on the relationships and the partnerships needed to grow the company. The less people needed me, the more time I got to myself and I also just identified my value and the more I fueled myself, the more energy I had for others and I was able to be really creative. I was able to be really innovative. I found time to rest and recharge, I found time to travel, I had time to spend with family, and that’s really what mattered and that’s why I was working so hard and so leaning into my why really dictates my schedule and I will say I work right now. I’m kind of in the grind a little bit right now because I’m going away for a month and I’ll be going away, but I’m going to do like eight weeks vacation this year, so but I’m able to do that because I have outsourced all the things that don’t serve me, that I don’t like doing and that are below my pay grade, and I would encourage you to do the same.

Tim: 51:11

I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying. It’s it’s the word you said was ego, and that’s it. That’s that’s. Ego is a powerful thing, whether people realize it or not, and and everybody has it. That’s that’s. Ego is a powerful thing, whether people realize it or not, and and everybody has it. And it comes out for everybody, in, in, in different ways and at different times, and um.

Jenny: 51:38

And I think too, if you’re humble like the whole journey that I went through really made me humble- and really appreciative Um, and that helps with transformation and it helps with managing the ego.

Tim: 51:49

Yeah, Getting that thing in check is at least for me. When it pops up, it never turns out good. Just keep that ego.

Jenny: 52:03

But there is a sense where you need an ego you need an ego to get on stage and speak, especially with confidence, and you need an ego to do some of the work that you do, and so it’s about finding a really great balance to where the ego serves you and it serves others and it doesn’t dictate how you act.

Tim: 52:26

Yeah, and, and that’s I guess. I guess that’s the real thing. And you know, you, you, you say those things. You need to get up on stage and you do. But I don’t think of it like that. I, when I hear when, when my ego comes out to me, it’s always a negative, I mean it’s always. And maybe that’s where the discussion in my head has to change.

Jenny: 52:55

Yeah, I think that’s your masculine energy escalated.

Tim: 53:00

A lot of that.

Jenny: 53:01

And then it’s also probably something else from your past. Oh, it’s definitely from a past, yeah that maybe you haven’t dealt with or that is still living within you or that you haven’t moved on from. So it usually comes from pain and hurt.

Tim: 53:19

Well, my inner talk is you’re not the boss of me. That’s what it is. You’re not the boss of me.

Jenny: 53:28

Did someone used to say that to you as a child? Like someone trying to boss you around a lot as a child.

Tim: 53:34

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but not the boss of me, I’ll show you.

Jenny: 53:39

Okay.

Tim: 53:40

Yeah, and I’m 57 now and I’m pretty good, but there are times when that and it doesn’t take much and it and it comes out. But Maybe, dive into that yeah.

Jenny: 53:58

I would dive into that because I’m sure there’s like a pain point of someone like, for instance, my girlfriend, her son is disabled. Of someone like, for instance, my girlfriend, her son is disabled and he was a twin and he was born without a kidney and they didn’t actually think he was going to live. So he has had transfusion surgeries, I mean all the things, but she’s constantly having to tell him what to do, like constantly go to the bathroom, change your catheter.

Jenny: 54:19

This is what you have to eat. You had to go to speech there. He has constantly been told what he has to do, every step, every day, every minute, every hour, to where now he’s just lashing out because he doesn’t want to be told what to do anymore. Right, and so not that. That’s how your childhood was, but I think sometimes something happens where we don’t have control, and that’s where we had those memories.

Tim: 54:42

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I definitely would not compare myself to him in any way, shape, matter or form, but that’s a different story. But, Jenny, thank you so much for spending some time with us. Where can people find you, work with you and get your book?

Jenny: 55:03

Yeah. So I want to encourage everyone to get my book, the Stroke it Guide. It has tons of resources. It’ll lead you to my podcast. It’ll be a great way for you to connect with me. You can get that on Amazon tomorrow, directly shipped to your house, or, if you would like to get a signed copy with some gifts, I’m happy to personalize that for you and mail that out, and you can get that through my website.

Jenny: 55:24

It’s going to be my first name, last name, first name, little name and last name, which is Jenny Allday, with 1LTownsendcom, and I’m on all the social platforms and I have a podcast as well, called the Stroke it Guide. So if you’re not ready to buy the book, that’s a great place to get started to connect with me and my listeners. Tim was a guest on my podcast as well. My podcast features CEOs, coaches, mentors, divorce attorneys, divorce coaches, dating individuals, so there’s a wide variety for personal and professional development and I would just love to leave you with that to choose. You take ownership of your life, what you need, what you want, and share that with the people you love.

Tim: 56:04

That’s a good way to end it and just by the book, it’s well worth what you’re paying for it. To me, again, it’s a how-to, it’s a how to have relationships and what you should do. And, jenny, I could talk to you for hours. I mean, I think what you’re doing is awesome. I love what you should do. And, jenny, I could talk to you for hours. I think what you’re doing is awesome, I love what you’re doing. Thank you, it’s amazing. But again, thanks so much for joining us and we’ll talk to you soon.

Jenny: 56:34

Thank you, tim. So much Cheers to you all.

Tim: 56:38

Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidencepodcastcom to get your free e-book Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and how to Overcome them. You can also register for the Forum for Public Speaking course. Always remember your voice has the power to change the world. We’ll talk to you next time, take care.