Tim Newan Speaks: Stop Wrecking Relationships with Bad Feedback

Tim: 0:08

Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, a podcast that helps you build the soft skills that lead to real results Communication, storytelling, public speaking and showing up with confidence in every conversation that counts. I’m Tim Newman, a recovering college professor turned communication coach, and I’m thrilled to guide you on your journey to becoming a powerful communicator. Next week, I will be away on vacation with my family. On Monday, july 28th, there will be a new episode with Richard Reed as the guest. You’re going to get a ton of value from his insights. On Thursday, july 31st, there will be a rerun of one of the most asked-for topics and we’ll be back on a regular schedule the following week with a new interview episode on August 4th and a new short instructional episode on August 7th. As always, if you have questions or comments, just shoot me an email. Now let’s get into today’s episode.

Tim: 1:00

Have you ever received feedback from a supervisor or co-worker that you thought was just so bad you thought they were talking to the wrong person? Giving feedback is not as easy as saying you messed up. Do better. Giving feedback isn’t a one-size-fits-all. In fact, the way you deliver feedback can make or break workplace relationships, and it all comes down to understanding personality differences. The DISC model breaks people down into four main styles dominance, conscientiousness, influence and steadiness. Each style hears feedback differently. If you don’t tell your message, you’re likely to trigger resistance instead of results. But when you match your approach to the person’s DIS style, you build trust, reduce friction and help people improve faster. And that’s why I put together a practical, personality-specific feedback blueprint.

Tim: 1:56

But before we get into how to use it, let’s look at why most feedback conversations miss the mark. Most feedback conversations fall short because they trigger resistance instead of encouraging improvement. One survey found that 38% of UK workers have actually considered leaving their jobs because of poor feedback. That’s a huge signal that the way feedback is delivered often does more harm than good. Employees say they want feedback, but when it comes they rarely act on it. The issue isn’t a lack of desire. It’s that the feedback itself misses the mark.

Tim: 2:34

One common culprit is the classic feedback sandwich offering praise, then criticism and then more praise by blending positive and negative messages like this actually undermines trust. People start to anticipate criticism behind every compliment, so even genuine praise loses credibility. So instead of motivating change, this method often triggers defensiveness and makes it harder for feedback to land. The brain’s reaction is a big part of the problem. Negative feedback, even when intended to help, can set off a threat response. When people sense judgment, their guard goes up and they become less able to process what’s actually being said. And this isn’t just about wording. It’s about how the message is received on a basic neurological level, and that’s why even small critiques can lead to outsized reactions and why feedback so often gets ignored or even dismissed. Even positive feedback can backfire if it’s not delivered thoughtfully. Research shows that praising someone’s ability saying things such as you’re so smart can actually make people more risk-averse and less resilient in the face of setbacks. In contrast, praise that focuses on effort, such as your hard work really paid off, encourages determination and better long-term performance.

Tim: 4:03

The way feedback is framed shapes how people respond and whether they feel safe to improve. Transactional analysis helps explain these reactions. When feedback comes from an authoritative or judgmental parent stance, it often triggers a child response defensiveness, resistance or even withdrawal. You see this dynamic any time a manager says your report missed the mark and the employee either shuts down or gets defensive. Now understand the feedback isn’t wrong, but the delivery creates a power struggle instead of a solution. So shifting away from blame and focusing on collaboration changes everything. Instead of judging what went wrong, approach feedback as a shared problem to solve, and this mindset keeps people engaged and opens the door to real progress. So let’s talk about how to keep feedback constructive and focused on solutions. Again, transactional analysis, a framework developed by Eric Byrne, breaks down interactions into three ego states parent, adult and child. For feedback to land well, it’s essential to operate from the adult state calm, objective and focused on facts. When feedback slips into a controlling or judgmental parent mode, it often triggers a defensive child reaction. And you see this when a manager says that strategy was totally wrong and the employee either shuts down or starts making excuses. And these parent-child dynamics create resistance and stall progress.

Tim: 5:41

To avoid this trap, I rely on the SBI model. The SBI model is situation, behavior and impact. It’s a straightforward, research-backed method that helps keep conversations grounded in observable facts, and studies show that using clear, specific examples reduces defensiveness and keeps the discussion productive. For example, if a team member interrupts in meetings, instead of labeling them as disruptive, you might say in yesterday’s brainstorm, that’s a situation I noticed. You jumped in while Mario was still speaking three times. That’s the behavior. After that, the group got quieter and that’s the impact. This approach avoids personal attacks and clearly connects actions to outcomes.

Tim: 6:32

Timing is also important. Research shows that feedback uptake doubles when people ask for it. So instead of offering feedback unprompted, try asking would feedback be helpful right now? Or want to review that pitch together. This gives the other person a sense of control and prepares them to listen, lowering the chance of a defensive reaction. Framing feedback with a future focus is another key element. When you say how can we adjust the timeline moving forward instead of you missed the deadline, you’re actually inviting collaboration and problem solving. So tying behavior to outcomes, not character, also makes a difference. For example, when the numbers came in late, finance had to delay vendor payments. That’s impact based on feedback clear, specific and difficult to dispute.

Tim: 7:22

You can lower resistance further by using language that encourages ownership, for example what do you think we could tweak here? Or by highlighting growth, for example, what do you think we could tweak here? Or by highlighting growth? Let’s build on what worked. These phrases keep the conversation centered on solutions rather than blame. Feedback works best when it feels like a partnership, not a punishment. Shifting from you need to fix this to what support would help you. Succeed here can dramatically reduce defensiveness and open the door to real improvement. Of course, even the clearest, most collaborative feedback falls flat if it ignores personality differences. So next we’ll look at why tailoring your approach to different personality types is just as important as the message itself. Generic feedback frustrates everyone involved because it ignores something critical personality differences.

Tim: 8:17

The DISC model breaks people into four main categories. There’s dominance, influence, steadiness and conscientiousness. Struggle with that word Conscientiousness Each responds differently to feedback. Overlooking these differences can trigger resistance or cause you to miss the opportunity for real change. Dominance people are results-oriented and want direct, concise feedback. So you can skip soft openings like maybe consider and just get right to the point. For example, here’s where production timeline slowed down. How would you fix it? This style values clarity and autonomy. Just give them a clear problem and trust them to solve it, especially when there are measurable outcomes.

Tim: 9:06

Influenced people focus on relationships and can take blunt feedback. Personally, harsh delivery feels like rejection, so it’s important to show support. For example, I can tell you put a lot of work into this. Let’s work on making the financial section pop a little bit more next time. When they know you’re invested in their growth, they’re more likely to engage and improve. Stativeness people respond well to calm, supportive and or patient conversational feedback. A bulleted email won’t hold their attention. Try a live call or face-to-face conversation and say something like how would you visualize this update? Keep them engaged by inviting their input, but be ready to gently guide the discussion back on track if it drifts.

Tim: 9:52

And then there is the conscientiousness people. These detail-driven thinkers want feedback grounded in evidence and specifics. Vague comments like your reports need work aren’t effective. Instead, use concrete examples, such as in the last three proposals. I noticed we left out market comparison data. What do you think we should adjust? This approach respects their need for logic and invites collaboration. Adding data helps even more. For example, client satisfaction dropped 15% when benchmarking wasn’t included. That’s far better than a general critique. In one large study, 57% preferred constructive critique to empty praise, but only when the feedback matched their style and needs.

Tim: 10:44

If you’re unsure which distyle someone prefers, pretty much observe how they give feedback. Dominant people focus on outcomes. Influenced people are gentle. Steadiness people tell stories. And conscientiousness people use data. Mirroring their approach increases buy-in and makes your feedback more effective. Tailoring your delivery results for dominance, relationship driven for influence, support for steadiness and accuracy for conscientiousness people makes feedback more actionable and when your message fits the person, it’s far more likely to inspire real improvement.

Tim: 11:23

The final step is making sure your feedback actually leads to meaningful change, not just a momentary reaction. Lasting improvement comes from feedback that looks ahead, not backward. People are more motivated by here’s what to try next time than by reminders of past mistakes. Research shows feedback works best when it’s fact-based, future-focused and matched to the listener’s style a method proven to reduce defensiveness and boost follow-through. This week, try the SBI method in your next one-on-one and let me know what changes. Adjust your approach for each disc style and watch how resistance drops. When your message fits how they think. The right words turn feedback into real progress. So use them with intention. Remember we look for progress, not perfection. That’s all for today. Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidencepodcastcom to get your free ebook the Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and how to Overcome them. You can also register for the Forum for Public Speaking group. Always remember your voice has the power to change the world. We’ll talk to you next time, take care.