Have you ever wondered why so many people quit when they’re so close to breaking through not because they lack talent, but because the journey feels so much harder than they expected? In this episode, we’re getting to the bottom of what I call the “Great Gap” , that tough stretch between being excited about a new goal and actually getting good at it.
I’m Tim Newman, and in this episode of Speaking with Confidence, I’m diving into one of the biggest reasons talented people fail to achieve their ambitions: not understanding that the discomfort, setbacks, and resistance along the way are normal and even necessary for growth. I draw from both my experience as a communication coach and powerful research from Valerie Burton to offer actionable tools you can use the next time you feel like giving up.
We break it all down today, why grit isn’t a personality trait you either have or you don’t, but a decision made in the moments just after you want to quit. I introduce two frameworks that will help you keep going even when the road ahead looks impossible: the “Internal Auditor” method to challenge your negative self-talk, and the “Next Play Mentality,” a tool you can use to keep moving when you’re tempted to get stuck in setbacks.
Here’s what I cover in this episode:
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Why friction and discomfort are not signs you’re on the wrong path, but evidence that you’re growing, and why competent people often get addicted to comfort instead of progress.
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How to build your own “Internal Auditor” to examine the facts instead of falling into catastrophic thinking, using concrete drills to challenge the quitting words your brain offers up.
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Valerie Burton’s research on resilience and her practical shortcut for getting out of a negative spiral.
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The “Next Play Mentality” why elite athletes and top performers bounce back quickly, and how you can use a 60-second rule to turn setbacks into forward momentum.
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The biological reasons we get stuck analyzing failures and how taking immediate action sends a powerful message to your mind that you’re still in the game.
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Why you should aim for progress, not perfection, and how to finally survive the “Great Gap” between excitement and mastery.
If you’re looking for real systems to keep you in the game when it gets tough, this episode is for you. Plus, I’ll tell you how to grab your free eBook, The Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and How to Overcome Them, and share how you can register for my Formula for Public Speaking course. Let’s get started because your voice has the power to change the world.
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Transcript
Tim Newman [00:00:09]: Most people quit at exactly the wrong moment. Not because they ran out of talent and not because the goal was impossible, but because nobody ever told them the gap was supposed to feel like this. Today we're going to fix that. Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence. The podcast helps you build the soft skills that lead to real results. Communication, storytelling, public speaking, and showing up with confidence in every conversation that counts. I'm Tim Newman, a recovering college professor turned communication coach, and I'm thrilled to guide you on a journey to becoming a powerful communicator. All right, here's what I want you to sit with today. Tim Newman [00:00:48]: Grit is not a personality trait. It's not something you either have or don't have. Grit is a decision, a specific decision made in a specific moment. The 30 seconds right after you feel like quitting. And most people never get taught how to make that decision well. So today I'm giving you two frameworks that actually work when the pressure is on. The first comes from Valerie Burton, and it rewires how your brain interprets setbacks. The second is the next. Tim Newman [00:01:23]: Play mentality, which is a tool you reach for when every instinct in your body is telling you to stop. So let's get into it. Remember, talent gets you in the door. Grit is what keeps you in the room when the work is boring and the progress stalls. I call the space between getting excited and actually getting good the great gap. And it's a graveyard for talented people, not because they weren't capable, but because they lacked the system to handle the struggle. And here's the lie most of us have bought into. If something is truly meant for you, it shouldn't feel this hard. Tim Newman [00:02:03]: Passion should feel like a smooth highway, right? So any friction must mean you're on the wrong road. And there we have it completely backwards. Friction isn't a warning sign. It's a growth sign. It means you're finally pushing against something that's about to give. The people who actually make it aren't avoiding resistance. They've just stopped being surprised when it shows up. Here's the part that stings a little. Tim Newman [00:02:29]: Most people don't quit because they're incapable. They quit because they're addicted to the feeling of being competent. And starting something new makes you feel the opposite of competent. So your brain starts writing stories, and you take the exit ramp back to things you already know how to do. Your addiction to comfort is what defeats you, not your lack of potential. Think about a locker room. You got a guy who's electric on game day, and then you've Got the guy who's in the gym at 6am doing boring drills when nobody's watching. Game day lasts three hours. Tim Newman [00:03:07]: Grit has to live in the other 165 days. So the gap doesn't care if you can show up when things are exciting. It only wants to know if you can show up on a random Tuesday when you're tired and bored. So let's get into it. Rule number one. It's what I call the internal auditor. Valerie Burton's research revealed something that sounds backwards at first. The most resilient people aren't the relentlessly positive ones. Tim Newman [00:03:35]: They aren't walking around telling themselves everything is fine while the building's on fire. They're accurate interpreters. They see situations for exactly what they are. No worse, no better, just real. To do that, you have to build what I call the internal auditor. The second you catch yourself thinking I'm failing, you stop and you ask yourself one question. What is actually true right now? Not what feels true and not what your fear is screaming. Just the facts. Tim Newman [00:04:13]: Let's say you bomb a big presentation. Your brain says you're a terrible speaker. Your career is basically over. That isn't data. That's a panic spiral pretending to be an honest analysis. The internal auditor steps in and says, you stumbled on the opening. Two slides weren't clear. Now you have something you can actually fix and you can rewrite an opening. Tim Newman [00:04:37]: You can clarify a slide. You cannot fix being a terrible speaker because that's not a problem, that's a verdict. And verdicts don't leave any room at all for growth. The reframe that changes everything is this. Tell yourself it's happening for you and not to you. When things happen to you, you're a passive victim waiting for the world to stop being unfair. And when things happen for you, you're a student. Every setback becomes part of the curriculum. Tim Newman [00:05:09]: That Bond presentation isn't a punishment from the universe. It's a free lesson delivered in a way that never forget. Also, watch out for that catastrophic language, such as I always mess this up or this is completely ruined. Those aren't thinking words. Those are quitting words. They take one bad moment and stretch it into your entire identity. Here's a practical drill. Next time you feel like giving up, write down the exact excuse your brain is offering. Tim Newman [00:05:39]: Get it out of your head and onto paper. Then write a counter argument, like a lawyer cross examining a witness who's lying on the witness stand. If your brain says you're not good at this, you counter it with You've been doing it for three weeks. Nobody is good that early. Or if your brain says everyone else is so far ahead, your counter is you don't know their starting point. You're comparing your chapter one to their chapter 20. If you can't find the counter on your own, use a shortcut that Valerie Burton swears by. Ask yourself, what would I say to a close friend who came to me with this exact problem? You'd probably tell them you're being too hard on themselves. Tim Newman [00:06:22]: You'd point out the progress they're choosing to ignore. You'd remind them that struggling is not a character flaw. It's just what learning looks like. The internal auditor isn't about lying to yourself. It's about refusing to let the first draft of your thoughts become the final version of your reality. Rule number two is the next play Mentality have you ever watched an elite point guard turn the ball over in a high stakes game? He doesn't stand at center court replaying the bad pass. He sprints back on defense because the next play is the only thing he can actually control. And that's the second framework. Tim Newman [00:06:58]: And the logic behind it is simple. When you fail at something, you don't sit down to analyze it. You execute the very next action. Basketball coaches have drilled this since the beginning of the game. The scoreboard doesn't really care about your feelings. The most dangerous athletes aren't the ones who never mess up. They're the ones with the shortest memories. High level sales works the same way. Tim Newman [00:07:23]: The best closers don't spend hours celebrating a win or mourning a loss. They log the call and dial the next number. A rep who spends 45 minutes dissecting a lost deal is losing the next two deals while they're stuck in their head. There's a biological reason this works. Your mind naturally wants to solve problems. So after failure, it immediately opens an internal investigation. Whose fault was it? What does this mean for my future? It may feel productive, but it actually isn't. You can't think clearly when your emotions are hot. Tim Newman [00:08:00]: You're not analyzing data. You're marinating in stress hormones. So here's the rule. After any setback, you get 60 seconds. Feel the pain. Be as frustrated as you need to be. Then take one concrete action that moves you forward. One email, one booking, one paragraph. Tim Newman [00:08:21]: One rep. Whatever it is, that's it. The deep analysis happens later, when you're calm and can actually learn something from it. In the heat of the moment. Motion beats meditation every time because moving sends a signal to your brain. It says we're still in the game. And that is the only story that matters when you're trying to survive the Gap. So let's bring it home. Tim Newman [00:08:45]: The Great Gap is real. It's that uncomfortable stretch between getting excited and actually getting good. And it will swallow you whole if you don't have a system. System one is the internal auditor. Stop the spiral, challenge the verdict, and treat setbacks as data, not as proof that you don't belong. System two is a next play mentality. 60 seconds of pain than one action. Forward motion beats meditation in the moment. Tim Newman [00:09:15]: The gap doesn't close because you suddenly feel ready. It closes because you decided to actually stay. That's all for today. Remember, we're looking for progress, not perfection. Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidencepodcast.com to get your free eBook, the Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and How to Overcome Them. You can also register for the Formula for Public Speaking course. Always remember, your voice has the power to change the world. We'll talk to you next time. Tim Newman [00:09:44]: Take care.