Tim Newman Speaks: Why Humor Is the Secret Weapon of Powerful Communicators

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Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, a podcast that helps you build the soft skills that lead to real results Communication, storytelling, public speaking and showing up with confidence in every conversation that counts. I’m Tim Newman, a recovering college professor turned communication coach, and I’m thrilled to guide you on your journey to becoming a powerful communicator. Make sure you hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode. In this episode, I’m going to talk to you about how to use humor to break the ice. Raise your hand if you’ve ever been told you look intimidating when you’re just thinking. Maybe it’s a serious face, the focused eyes or that quiet intensity. Here’s a secret. What you think of as a social barrier is actually a hidden advantage. Your natural intensity can become a humor superpower. When someone who seems reserved or serious finally cracks a joke, the effect is unforgettable People are caught off guard and the laughter is genuine, especially when it’s unexpected, breaks down walls and creates instant connection. But why does a simple laugh change the entire dynamic between strangers? Understanding why humor is so effective in building trust starts with psychology behind the shared experience. When people laugh together, it signals that they see the world in a similar way, even if it’s just for a moment and that shared reaction lowers barriers and creates a sense of belonging much faster than polite conversation ever could. And there’s research to support this. A University of Georgia study examined how scientists communicated online and found that those who used humor, especially satire and playful language, were seen as significantly more credible than those who relied on straightforward facts. What’s really interesting is that the scientists’ actual expertise didn’t change. It was the delivery that shifted how people perceived them. Humor didn’t make them seem less professional. If anything, it enhanced their legitimacy without sacrificing authority, as described by Aker and Bagdonis’ framework.

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Of course, humor has to be used thoughtfully. Alexander Frank’s research reminds us that sarcasm, for example, can backfire if it isn’t clear that everyone is in on the joke, and not all humor creates connection. If you make a joke about your ongoing feud with alarm clocks, chances are most people will relate, but if your punchline revolves around your collection of rare coins, you might leave people scratching their heads. The difference is simple. Humor that draws on shared experiences brings people together, while overly specific or niche jokes can leave some feeling left out.

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Many people hesitate to use humor at all because of one awkward moment in the past. It could be in a joke that fell flat or a comment that was misunderstood. But steering clear of humor entirely is like never driving again after you took a wrong turn. The real skill is learning how to invite others into the laugh. If a co-worker admits I’m terrible with names, I once forgot my own you could just nod or you could say let me guess you’re also the person who says you too when the server tells you to enjoy your meal, suddenly it’s a shared moment.

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Humor also resets the mood in a room, whether you’re facing a tense group of new hires or a silent Zoom call. Acknowledging the awkwardness with a small joke can shift the atmosphere and put everyone at ease. It’s a way of redirecting the energy, not pushing against it. Still, not every attempt at humor lands, especially in situations where people feel put on the spot, and that’s where icebreakers come in. But, as you’ve probably noticed, not all icebreakers make things easier. There’s nothing quite like being put on the spot with a generic prompt share a fun fact about yourself and feel, in your mind, go blank. These standard icebreakers often highlight how little we know about one another, making the moment even more uncomfortable.

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Research and facilitator best practices show that predictable questions like where are you from or what do you do tend to amplify that awkwardness, not reduce it. They remind us of the distance between us rather than bridging it. Contrast it with teams who start meetings by swapping stories about wardrobe disasters or embarrassing moments. Suddenly, people aren’t defined by their job titles. Someone becomes the guy who wore Crocs to a wedding or the woman who once rocked frosty blue eyeshadow. These moments of shared embarrassment build instant rapport. When everyone has a funny fail to admit, the barriers drop and the room feels lighter. This effect comes from the way our brains respond to shared experiences. Observational humor, like talking about elevator mishaps or autocorrect fails or the struggle of opening stubborn packaging, creates a sense of familiarity. Controlled studies have shown that when people laugh together about daily frustrations, they connect more quickly than they would talk about their achievements. If you mention spilling coffee on your shirt before a big meeting, most people will nod in recognition, not judge you. It’s relatable and it signals you’re not alone.

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Specificity is important. Asking what’s your hobby can feel vague or even intimidating, but if you ask what’s the most useless thing you’re weirdly good at, you’ll get confessions about identifying fonts or folding fitted sheets with military precision. These kinds of questions invite people to share quirks, not just credentials. Timing and topic matter too. For example, pop culture references can fall flat if the group doesn’t share the same background, but universal experiences like tangled earbuds, flat soda or wrestling with Wi-Fi strike a chord almost every time the best icebreakers don’t announce themselves as such. A manager once started a meeting by inviting everyone to share their worst vacation photo. Participation soared because everyone seemed to have a crimsy beach veil or travel mishap they were eager to share. The trick isn’t coming up with something clever. It’s about noticing what’s already true and naming it in a way that brings people in. When someone points out how conference landers always flip the wrong way, everyone relaxes.

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Humor at its best is a gentle invitation to connect, and sometimes it’s a self-aware admission of awkwardness that opens the door to real conversation. There’s another side to using humor to connect Knowing how to laugh at yourself without losing credibility. Self-deprecating humor, when used well, can make you more approachable and relatable, but if you’re not careful it can also undermine your confidence in the eyes of others. The key is understanding when and how to use it. Take Abraham Lincoln, for example. When accused of being two-faced, he famously replied if I had two faces, would I be wearing this one. That line worked because Lincoln already had respect to his audience and his self-awareness made him more likable, not less confident. And this is a classic case of what psychologists call the Pratt-Fall effect, and this was first described by Elliot Aronson. And Aronson’s research showed that when high-sass individuals admit to small, harmless flaws, it actually increases their likability.

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But for someone who hasn’t yet earned respect or credibility, self-deprecating jokes can backfire, making them seem less capable, and that distinction matters. Healthy self-deprecation what researchers call affiliative humor uses light, inclusive jokes that invite others to relate rather than putting yourself down, for example, as very well, mine points out. Saying something like I always forget where I parked at the mall can diffuse tension and make someone seem more human, especially in a position of leadership. It’s a way of showing you don’t take yourself too seriously, which can lower barriers and build trust. On the other hand, self-defeating humor, constantly joking about your own incompetence or flaws, can send the wrong message. If someone new to a team keeps saying I have no idea what I’m doing, it doesn’t come across as confidence or approachability. Instead, it can quietly convince others that they might actually be over their head. The difference lies in both status and intent. Leaders and those already respected, can use self-deprecation to humanize themselves, but for others it’s safer to keep the jokes light and situational, not about core abilities.

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If you want your self-deprecating humor to land, there are a few simple guidelines. First, establish credibility before poking fun at yourself. Second, be specific and relatable. For example, I can never fold a fitted sheet right works better than I’m a mess. Third, show growth or self-awareness, like joking about learning from past mistakes. Remember the goal isn’t to undermine yourself, but to invite others to share in the humor.

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Sometimes, though, even well-intentioned humor can go wrong, especially when tensions are high or the stakes are real. That’s when it becomes crucial to read the room and adjust your approach. There are moments when humor has to do more than just entertain. It needs to take the edge off a tense situation without making things worse. Picture this A team is reeling from bad news and someone tries to lighten the mood with a joke about printer breaking. If the timing or target is off, the joke can make things even more uncomfortable. But when used well, humor can reduce stress and tension in high-stakes settings. As workplace studies by Mesmer, magnus and colleagues have shown, the trick is to keep the humor focused on the situation, not on individuals. Research in negotiation tactics reveals that jokes about sharing frustrations or the absurdity of a scenario help everyone feel like they’re in it together. For example, our timeline has more detours than GPS with trust issues. It’s a laugh because it’s about the process and not the people. On the other hand, making it personal you’re about as punctual as a teenager can quickly backfire and damage relationships.

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Situational humor, especially when it highlights universal annoyances, works across a range of environments. Organizational case studies often point to Southwest Airlines, where flight attendants use lighthearted announcements and jokes to calm nervous passengers and increase satisfaction. The humor isn’t random. It’s about shared experiences, like the challenge of finding a seat or dealing with turbulence, which helps everyone feel more at ease. The best tension breakers follow a few simple principles. First, call out frustration everyone recognizes. For example, we’ve hit the. Whose idea was this phase of the project? Second, use mild exaggeration like this spreadsheet has more tabs than my browser after a YouTube rabbit hole. And third, invite others to join in. Someone say something smart so I can pretend it was my idea. These approaches create a sense of camaraderie and help people relax, even in high-pressure situations.

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Even in places like hospitals, humor has been used to reduce complaints and ease difficult conversations. For example, a nurse might say the good news, you’ll have plenty of time to perfect your insurance signature, and patients feel seen rather than dismissed. The point isn’t to ignore the seriousness of the moment, but to give people a way to breathe. Sometimes a single well-placed joke can reset the mood entirely. When a keynote speaker was interrupted by a fire alarm, they quipped. I knew I was running long, but this feels a little dramatic. That quick moment of levity didn’t solve the problem, but it gave everyone permission to exhale and regroup.

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Ultimately, the power of humor in tense moments isn’t about being the funniest person in the room. It’s about tuning in to what others are feeling and giving them a little space to let go, even for a moment. Humor at its core is about recognizing what others experience but rarely voice. It’s a tool for building trust and connection, not just a way to get laughs. Charismatic people use humor to make others feel seen and understood, and organizational studies consistently show that teams that share light situational humor, especially around everyday frustrations, develop stronger cohesion and trust.

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If you want to try this out, skip the usual small talk. Instead of asking about job titles, invite someone to share a story about a daily mishap, like a memorable coffee spill or tangled headphone disaster, you’ll find that people open up more easily over shared imperfections. That natural seriousness you carry. It sets the stage for your humor to have even more impact. That’s all for today. Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidencepodcastcom to get your free ebook Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and how to Overcome them. You can also register for the Forum for Public Speaking course. Always remember your voice has the power to change the world. We’ll talk to you next time, take care.