Emotional Intelligence in Communication: Tools for Self-Awareness and Confident Speaking

Tim Newman [00:00:00]:
You don't have a communication problem. You have a self awareness problem and it's showing up every time you open your mouth. Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, the podcast that helps you build the soft skills that lead to real results. Communication, storytelling, public speaking, and showing up with confidence in every conversation that counts. Tim Nelson. I'm Tim Newman, a recovering college professor turned communication coach and I'm thrilled to guide you on a journey to becoming a powerful communicator. Today's guest is Sandy Gerber.

Tim Newman [00:00:39]:
Sandy is a communication coach and emotional intelligence trainer, TEDx speaker and entrepreneur who grew her bedroom business startup into one of British Columbia's top 100 fastest growing companies. She created the Emotional Magnetism Network which is now taught in leadership and academic and academic curricula and featured in her 24 time international award winning book, Emotional Magnetism. Sandy has trained leaders and teams across industries and was ranked number 16 in the Global Guru's top 30 communication professionals. Sandy, welcome to Speaking with Confidence.

Sandy Gerber [00:01:15]:
Thanks, Tim. Excited to be here. I'm looking forward to our conversation.

Tim Newman [00:01:18]:
Oh, this is going to be a lot of fun. Let, let's just get right into it. You. When we had our original conversation, you said that you look successful on paper, but your personal life was falling apart. What was the exact moment you realized you were a fraud?

Sandy Gerber [00:01:39]:
Yeah, I did. It was about, it was about 15 years ago, Tim. And I remember that feeling still so raw. I remember thinking, you know, everyone was like, you're so successful. You look, you know, I had the team, the office, the, the, the, the sexy clients, all that stuff. I was killing it from nine to five. But in my personal life, I was failing at the most important conversations in my life. And so I felt like a fraud.

Sandy Gerber [00:02:01]:
I felt like I looked successful, but I didn't feel successful. And so that incongruency grew and grew and grew to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to do something about it. And it's not like you're going to turn to people and say this isn't working for me, because they kind of go, well, you look like everything's working, you know, and it wasn't. So I went on a decade, a journey that took me 10 years to just try and figure out what's the key to successful relationships. Because I was successful on paper and with the business, but I had a failed marriage. I was burnt out. I was, you know, I hadn't talked to my friends in weeks, so that was just not satisfactory for me.

Sandy Gerber [00:02:44]:
I wanted what my parents had you know, they were hand in hand for 52 years of marriage. I wanted that. And so that set me on my

Tim Newman [00:02:51]:
path, you know, thank you for sharing that. And I. It's so important for people to understand that they're not alone in that, in that journey, because tons of people feel the exact same way. And understanding that people who are really good at what they do are in the same boat as you. And. And so understanding that, number one, you're not alone. And it's okay to take a step back and figure things out and start to learn and change your trajectory. Even if people think that you've got it all together, nobody really knows what's going on beside that facade that we put up all the time.

Sandy Gerber [00:03:32]:
Yeah. Like you said off the top, it's not that you have a communication problem. It's that you have a self understanding problem. You don't know the conversation you're having with yourself is the conversation you're having with other people.

Tim Newman [00:03:47]:
Yeah.

Sandy Gerber [00:03:47]:
So if we can just start there. That's where I needed to start. Right. I was. Many of us haven't been trained in formal communication skills training, so we're just kind of winging it. Right. We're picking up from our families, from our work experiences, what communication should be. And most of us are learning how to communicate by failing at it.

Tim Newman [00:04:08]:
Yeah.

Sandy Gerber [00:04:08]:
Right. That's how we learn what to do and certainly what not to do. So I had to. I had to get there. I had to learn from the masters like John Maxwell, like, you know, Wayne Dyer, like people who have had huge influence in my life. I had to learn about myself first and what I was understanding about myself. And then I could communicate properly to others. And that's really became my passion and my.

Sandy Gerber [00:04:32]:
And my mission, why I'm here on this planet. To help people to understand themselves better and then be able to communicate, to connect.

Tim Newman [00:04:39]:
Yeah. And part of that too, correct me if I'm wrong, that you were willing to look at yourself critically, not just continue going down whatever road you were going down and say, you know what? I have to start making some changes.

Sandy Gerber [00:04:54]:
Oh, yes. People thought I was nuts, Tim. Like, they were like, what is wrong with you? You're not satisfied. You're never happy. You're scattered. And I'm like, no, no, no. This path that I took, the research that I found on emotional motivation, which is the foundation of my book, that that information transformed my life and now it's transformed thousands of people's lives. But the thing is, until I got there, I was, I was Frustrated.

Sandy Gerber [00:05:22]:
So frustrated with this incongruency. And the thing that was interesting is that I, I, I was listening to what people were labeling me as they were saying, oh, Sandy, you're never satisfied, or you're this or you're that. And I was like, when I learned this research and I learned about myself, I actually know what emotionally drives me. I'm not scattered. I'm creative. I'm not impatient. I want to make an impact in this world.

Tim Newman [00:05:46]:
Right.

Sandy Gerber [00:05:46]:
You know, and so once I understood my labels for myself, which are really achievement and experience, everything started to fall in place. And then I started sharing that with people, and they understood why I was making the choices that I had. We label people all the time. It's just what we do. But the labels we usually give people are typically based on their behavior and not on their emotional motivation. And when we understand why people are making those choices, then we have more empathy and we understand why they're making the choices they do, and we connect better. So all of this started falling into place once I understood more about myself.

Tim Newman [00:06:24]:
Yes. So would you say that that's the thing that you were getting wrong, that most people still get wrong today is not understanding our own, our own motivations and having that and having that negative conversation or the wrong. It's not always a negative conversation, but it could be the wrong conversation, because it could be, you know, I'm doing this to satisfy this person, or I'm doing this to satisfy this situation, as opposed to doing things based on who I am and what I want to accomplish.

Sandy Gerber [00:06:57]:
Yeah. I mean, when you think about everything we create is starting in our thoughts. Right. And so the conversations we're having with ourselves, most of us aren't choosing those thoughts. They're just kind of happening to us. And so when they're happening to us, our emotions take over. And so we're not even really sure how that's how that's coming to be. So until we actually stop and realize, wait, what am I feeling? What's going on? What am I saying? Why am I doing this? Why am I acting this way? Why am I making the choices that I'm making? Until we do that, we're on autopilot.

Sandy Gerber [00:07:30]:
Right. Or we're going from whatever anyone else in our life has told us we need to do. So there's this real sense of empowerment and this real sense of freedom, and just you can be who you are when you understand yourself better. Right. And then that's why people like working with me, because I'm authentic. This is who I am, Tim. I show up like this on stage or if I'm in a workshop and they like that because I'm sharing the failure that I had. I'm sharing the journey that I went through.

Sandy Gerber [00:07:59]:
And more importantly, I'm sharing tools that I use that actually worked. So I think it's really. You can't do anything until you start looking at yourself and understanding how you're communicating to yourself.

Tim Newman [00:08:10]:
And that's so, that's so important. And it's not something that's surface level. You have to be willing to actually do the work, right?

Sandy Gerber [00:08:17]:
Oh yeah. It's not a pretty, pretty.

Tim Newman [00:08:18]:
It's not.

Sandy Gerber [00:08:21]:
It was quite a journey, you know, and you, you, you're dealing with ego, you're dealing with. I was scared what people thought about me for a long, long time. And that drove a lot of my decisions. You know, even as an executive, I was a female executive in three male dominated industries. Tech, finance and construction. And so I was always uber aware of like what people might think or judge me.

Tim Newman [00:08:44]:
Right.

Sandy Gerber [00:08:45]:
And once I just realized more about myself and had some more emotional intelligence and grew that muscle, then I didn't care as much. Right. Because it's really about the thoughts.

Tim Newman [00:08:56]:
Yeah. And so let me ask it kind of maybe be a little bit off topic, you know, since being a female executive in those, in those male dominated industries, how has that changed or, or has it changed at all? Are we, are we starting to see, I don't know if more acceptance is, is the right word, but more females becoming or entering these fields and being accepted.

Sandy Gerber [00:09:30]:
Yeah, it's hard to comment on that. You know, the, the numbers aren't showing a huge growth there. I think, you know, it really has to do. I look at it more as like, because I don't want to stereotype it, but I really like looking at, I think we're more open to understanding about ourselves a little bit more and doing the work. Doing the work. And you know what I just saw? Gallup came out with survey today on employee engagement. Right. And the numbers are shocking.

Sandy Gerber [00:09:56]:
Like we know what's going down, but it's hit like it's, it's hit a place where it's very alarming. And what they're finding is, you know, managers are also starting to decline in emotional engagement. And I think it's the state of the world, of course, but also it's about connection. It's the lack of connection. So whether you're female or male as an executive, your role right now, it's even More important to have a human connection with your team. And that's why, you know, people are, you know, phones. Phones ringing, and people are. I'm in demand right now because people want to know the secret or the tools to help them become more human.

Sandy Gerber [00:10:35]:
You know, how do we actually communicate with these people, you know, and keep them engaged in our mission and our. In our vision? Because it's harder to do now.

Tim Newman [00:10:45]:
It's. It's. It's really hard to do. But, but what are the. The warning signs that we shouldn't ignore about that. That disconnection, because sometimes it's okay. But what are the. What are the signs that say, you know, this is becoming a problem, or it is a problem and we need to do something about it?

Sandy Gerber [00:11:04]:
I think as a leader, as a manager, even as an employee, the first thing to watch for is emotion. That's. That's the first thing that's showing up. And, and also quiet disengagement. They're calling it quiet cracking now. Not quiet quitting, but quiet cracking. And quiet cracking is essentially emotionally, people are disengaging. They're.

Sandy Gerber [00:11:26]:
They're at the work, but they're actually disengaging from the work, right? So, like, quiet quitting, they're kind of. They're. They're. They're leaving in their mind. But this one, they're actually feeling alone. They're feeling. They're feeling isolated. They're feeling negated.

Sandy Gerber [00:11:41]:
So the thing. The thing first that you need to do is notice anyone on your team that's having an emotional reaction, and I mean a sudden one. So I'll give you an example. Like, years ago, early in my career, I was in a board meeting. I was asked to present at a board meeting. Now, I know I'm a speaker and I'm on here talking, but I was always, like, pretty quiet in meetings, right? I wasn't comfortable talking out loud. And so I got asked to do this board meeting. And I'm telling you, Tim, I was nervous.

Sandy Gerber [00:12:07]:
Like, I was given 10 minutes, three slides. Gosh, I must have rehearsed for, like, weeks. So I was ready. So. So I go into this board meeting and I'm all excited. I even had my mom and dad moment. I'm about to do the board meeting, you know, kind of thing, and all of a sudden the CFO jumps in and he starts hurling what if statements at me. Like, what if questions.

Sandy Gerber [00:12:29]:
Like, fast one after the other, just cuts me off. And I panicked. Like, I didn't know what to do in that situation. I Was like, I just. I started making stuff up, right? Like, I just wanted him to stop. So I said anything I could to get him to stop. And then I left the meeting and I cried. It was not a fine moment.

Sandy Gerber [00:12:47]:
But you know what's interesting is what I realized about that. It's where people are right now. We are so close to emotion right now. We are just. It doesn't take very much to activate people right now, right? And what I wish I'd had then, that I have now, is a tool I called EQ Switch. And it's basically a way to regulate yourself before you respond. That's what people need to be teaching people right now, is how to regulate ourselves because we're just so quickly responding. And everybody has a point of view, not necessarily the best point of view.

Sandy Gerber [00:13:19]:
Everybody has something to say about everything these days. So what I should have done is I should have done the three steps. The first is basically to locate where that emotion is in my body. Like, our emotion shows up in our body before it even hits our mind, right? So I was feeling, you know, a tight jaw. I was. My face was bright red. I was feeling that in my body. So notice that because it brings you into the present moment, right? The second thing I should have done was name what I was feeling.

Sandy Gerber [00:13:46]:
Like actually name the emotion. Now, this is where neuroscience comes in. I find this fascinating. When I found this out, Tim, I had to share it with the world. Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA, he calls it effect labeling. When we name our emotion to ourselves, the amygdala, our brain's threat center, that activity reduces by 50%. So what that means is we're actually calming our body down just by naming what we're feeling.

Sandy Gerber [00:14:15]:
So what I should have done to myself is say, you know, I feel embarrassed, I feel afraid, because that's what I felt at the time. That would have calmed my nervous system down. And then lastly, what I should have done is taken a breath. Now, not just any breath, this is a breath that I modeled after yoga. Seven seconds. It's three seconds in through the nose, quietly, like, quiet, quiet. And four seconds out through the mouth, quiet. And the key is you have to be quiet, because otherwise it will sound like a sigh.

Sandy Gerber [00:14:44]:
And then, you know, you're in another whole argument. So I call it EQ Breath. And so that seven seconds, truly, that's where true leadership lives. In that seven seconds, if you think about the leaders in your life, they pause before they speak, right? And think of John Maxwell. He's the king, right?

Tim Newman [00:15:02]:
Right.

Sandy Gerber [00:15:02]:
So that seven seconds would have given me the opportunity to choose my words. I could have then said to the cfo, thank you, let me get back to you in eight words. I would have left that meeting with my dignity. So this is the difference. If we could just start teaching these pocket tools to people, which is my mission, they can pull that out at the time of emotion and regulate themselves, then they'll be able to communicate more effectively. So I think that's what we need to do. We need to teach these people how to regulate.

Tim Newman [00:15:33]:
You know, I love the term pocket tools, because I'm kind of the same with you. You give them something they can use, like, right away that they. It's. It's like it's in your pocket. It happens. When you said that your body feels the emotion before your brain, that. It's so true. I think I.

Tim Newman [00:15:55]:
I get it in my neck and my shoulders, and it comes on right away. I. People have told me that my face gets red. I don't. I don't necessarily feel that. But then, you know, if, if, if 30 people have told me my face gets red, I'm not gonna say it doesn't. You know, they're. They're probably right.

Tim Newman [00:16:16]:
So you should probably understand. You know that as well. Just because you, you don't see it doesn't mean that it's not happening. So you need to learn. Learn those things. Now, let's get back to the EQ switch for a second. When you, when you name that emotion, you're saying that to yourself. You're not saying that to this.

Sandy Gerber [00:16:35]:
Yes. Oh, yeah. No, don't say it to others. That would be weird.

Tim Newman [00:16:37]:
Okay. I do lots of weird stuff, Sandy. I do lots of weird stuff.

Sandy Gerber [00:16:42]:
So do I, too. That's why we connect.

Tim Newman [00:16:49]:
But I talk about the power of the pause all the time. And if I think that's probably one of the most effective tools that we have at our disposal, because if we take that pause, whether it's to give ourselves a moment to think of the right word, whether it's give ourselves a moment to not say something that we're going to regret, whatever that is, the power of the pause is so powerful because it also makes your point once you do speak.

Sandy Gerber [00:17:23]:
Yes. And I think that the thing is, we all have been. We've all heard that we need to pause. The thing with me was, like with self development books, they would give us some information, but they wouldn't tell us how to do it. And I'm that type of person where I'm like back to the pocket tools. I need to have this thing in the moment when I need it. It needs to be easy to implement. And so when I would go through these, okay, it's time to pause.

Sandy Gerber [00:17:47]:
I'm like, well, how long am I pausing for? What am I doing with the pause? Is it like a box breath? What am I doing? So that's where I started looking at when my body was actually at its calmest was. And it was through Kundalini yoga, actually that I discovered this seven second piece. And, and then the neuroscience, because I'm a bit of a nerd that way. I love reading this stuff. But then I found out that that was actually calming the body down, the nervous system. Then, then that gave me a reminder, a framework to just say, okay, three seconds in, four seconds out, you know, and that was easier to remember.

Tim Newman [00:18:19]:
Yeah. And it's. I should have paused. When I realized that I was doing it wrong. It was like I got punched in the stomach because I was a young professor. Well, I was a new professor. I wasn't young. I was new.

Tim Newman [00:18:41]:
And I was on my students over and over again. Stop the esnyams. Stop the yusna. And this, this incredibly intelligent young woman came to me in tears. In tears. Dr. Newman, you keep telling us to stop the yells and yums, but you're not telling us how to do it. And that's the, that was, that was really my shift to, to really start looking at communication and how do we get better as opposed to just driving on and, and just doing it over and over again.

Tim Newman [00:19:14]:
But when you're teaching people, you've got to give them those, those little tools, those, those little tips or tricks, whatever you want to call them, to get past whatever it is that they need to get past. So understand that.

Sandy Gerber [00:19:28]:
Yeah, you know, it's, it's so important to me that when I talk to people, whether it's on a stage or in my book or even on a keen workshop, they've got to walk out the door a change person. They got to have something with them that they're going to try with their partner as soon as they get home. You know, it's, it's so important. We are so tired of just getting information. We need it to work. You know, So I think the thing is, even with people, I love that when people come up to me and said afterwards, sandy, you know, I'm an introvert. And what you shared about body language with me today, that gives me the confidence to try it out. And that's huge.

Sandy Gerber [00:20:06]:
That's a transformation. That's just one little thing. You know, I might have given them this. I think we shared the E trick past. I can share it with your listeners. But it was giving them this tiny little tool that gave them the confidence, like, hey, I can try this. It almost feels like a game. Like.

Sandy Gerber [00:20:22]:
And these things, what everyone needs to remember is they take practice. Right. You're never going to get it right off the top, so just keep modeling this behavior. The cool thing I want to say about the EQ switch is that when you start modeling, that people around you will do it, too.

Tim Newman [00:20:39]:
Yes.

Sandy Gerber [00:20:39]:
And if you think about, like I said, the leaders who are really revered are the people that think and pause before they speak. And that starts creating a space in a meeting. It is modeled on a team. So you can actually start that in your organization by just putting this tool in the place.

Tim Newman [00:21:01]:
Yeah. And that makes me, you know, think back to. There's a Steve Jobs video where he. He's given a talk and somebody asks a question, and he pauses for 19 seconds before he answers it. And. And what that. What he's doing is he's. He's thinking of how he actually truly wants to respond to make the point that he wants to make to answer the question, as opposed to just answering the question.

Sandy Gerber [00:21:32]:
Anything. Yeah. And, you know, that's like that. That was the cfo, right? That was. I just wanted it to stop. We. We're really uncomfortable with silence, most of us. Right.

Sandy Gerber [00:21:42]:
And so early in our career, we typically think if we pause too long, we're going to look like we don't know what we're saying or we don't know things.

Tim Newman [00:21:51]:
Right.

Sandy Gerber [00:21:51]:
In my family, I was raised in a family of six, we had to fight for airtime. Right. Like, you had to get your point in there quickly, interrupt, and get it said quickly to be heard. So when I went into the workspace, I thought, well, that's what you do, too. And, boy, was that ever an awakening. I actually had someone turn to me with great courage. One of my team members pulled me aside and said, you know, Sandy, I'm getting frustrated in your meetings because I just can never finish my point. You don't hear me.

Sandy Gerber [00:22:25]:
And like to have the courage to go up to a leader and say that, first of all, I just had so much respect for that person. And also, it was a gift. It was a gift to me to listen to what was being said. And I've never forgotten it.

Tim Newman [00:22:40]:
And to that point that we don't listen to, we're not set up to listen, right? Our bodies are not truly set up to listen and hear to what other people say. For you to have listened and then make a change, that's what builds trust, that's what builds influence, that's what builds the leadership. Because if that person said what they said, you don't listen and then you don't actually listen, you don't make adjustments, you don't, then it's pointless to do that. And now that person will now shut down. That person will disengage and they disengage. And that's kind of where we are from the disengagement perspective. Do you see this happening across all ages and generations or, or is this.

Sandy Gerber [00:23:39]:
I don't think it's a generational thing. I mean, we have, this is the first time in history, we have five different generations working together in the workplace and we speak differently depending on our age. Right? And so, you know, we haven't been taught how to co coexist in a communication space together. And so I think it's, it's interesting. One thing that I teach that is, was pivotal in my own learning of how to listen better is, I call it ears. But ess again, I try and make these little tools so that in the moment you can go, okay, what's that structure she was talking about? And how can I, how can I do it? So when someone's at you, yelling at you, you, you need a tool to calm you down and you also need to be able to really make that person feel heard or you're not going to de escalate the situation. So first you're going to encourage them. Okay, something's upsetting you, tell me.

Sandy Gerber [00:24:29]:
E stands for encourage. You'll do that with your non verbal and your verbal. Then you're going to ask them questions. A stands for ask, Just ask to clarify what is the concern, what's going on, Right? Then we skip over the most important step to make people feel heard and we go right to summary or solution. Oh, okay, here's what we should do. We're going to do this, okay? This is why you're upset. And the person sits there feeling like, okay, I'm not being heard, you're not listening is what they'll usually say. And then you'll go back up and you'll start asking more questions.

Sandy Gerber [00:24:59]:
So if we actually make that third step count, that's how you can make someone feel heard. So first you're going to encourage them, then you're going to ask questions. Then what you're going to do. When you're asking questions, you're listening for their exact words. And I even say to people that I coach and I train, write down the exact words those people say. And then what you're going to do is R, which is reflect. You're going to reflect back what you heard. And you're not just going to reflect back what you paraphrase you heard.

Sandy Gerber [00:25:31]:
You're going to reflect back their exact words. When you do that, the person calms down because they feel heard. And so this is what we use in conflict de escalation. It's what you use in crisis management. When you do that, the person has gone from being opposing with you to now, okay, let's work together on a solution. And you can actually see it, you can feel it in their body as well when they just, okay, we're not opposing anymore. We're working together on the solution. You hear me? I'm being heard.

Sandy Gerber [00:26:03]:
And it doesn't mean that you agree with. It just means that you're actually echoing back. What you heard them say is the concern. And if they, you know, one of two things is going to happen, they'll calm down or they'll say, no, you're not listening at all. And they'll go back to the beginning and ask them questions again and say, oh, okay, sorry, if I heard you correctly, you're upset about A, B, C and D. Is that correct? And then they'll calm down. Because sometimes most times people are upset and they haven't dug deep enough to figure out what is it that I'm upset about. Right.

Sandy Gerber [00:26:37]:
I may say I'm upset you cut me off, but truly what I'm upset about is how you disrespected me in front of people. And so they don't know that until you start asking the questions and reflecting back.

Tim Newman [00:26:50]:
Yeah, and such a good point that generally the first thing that comes out of mouth, that's not the, that's not the issue. That's not the, it's, it's probably not even the second or third, third thing you've got, you've got to really dig deep. And that person has to be willing to go there as well to get to the bottom of, of whatever that issue is. And to me, that kind of just looks at how, how we as a society don't really like having, you know, direct conversations, Direct, important conversations. And I, I love the story that you shared in, in our, in our other talk about how when you first stay with your husband, you, you're now husband you told me exactly who you are and what you need. Most people would never do that.

Sandy Gerber [00:27:38]:
Yeah.

Tim Newman [00:27:39]:
Why don't we do that?

Sandy Gerber [00:27:41]:
Well, you know, we're not comfortable sharing how we feel, right? We're not. And a lot of us haven't been taught how to share our emotion. You know, we typically bottle it up, or we, you know, avoid it, or we throw carbs at our emotion. Right. We don't know what to do with it. Right. So. So basically, it's difficult for us to start a conversation with, you know, I'm feeling this way.

Sandy Gerber [00:28:03]:
You know, the research that I'd done on emotional motivation, I had seen it transform my business. It grew from my bedroom to a top 100. And so I thought to myself, okay, it also made me more comfortable prospecting and networking with people. I kind of shifted from what do I say? To what can I learn about these people? And I tried to find the four emotional magnets in people. And because of that, I had great conversations. And so I'd seen it work professionally, and I thought, okay, I'm going to start dating here. It's been 10 years as a single mom. I'm going to go out on this date.

Sandy Gerber [00:28:34]:
I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to go through the typical banter. And so my intuition told me, just ask him. Tell him what you're feeling. Tell him what you emotionally need. You're a magnet, and see how it goes. So I was like, okay, so, okay, buddy, this is what you're signing up for. I was like, basically, I'm driven by achievement and experience.

Sandy Gerber [00:28:56]:
Those are my emotional magnets. And I told him the four spells of the acronym save, safety, achievement, value, and experience. And I said to him, so these are my two. What are yours? This is what I emotionally need to be happy. And, yeah, he was like, whoa, okay, this is intense. You know? And he quickly assessed his. He goes, well, I guess I'd be safety and value. And I was like, interesting.

Sandy Gerber [00:29:20]:
Then our conversation went somewhere that was of value, right? And, you know, ever since then, we've been honoring those magnets in each other for 12 years. And we have a phenomenal marriage. And so, you know, it's interesting these. These conversations and arguments that we have with people or disagreements we have with people at work always comes down to these four magnets and why they're making the choices. Like, I'll give you an example. My husband came home and we ordered dinner late one night, and he's like, just, you know, order something on the app. So I pull up the app, and I'm going through it, and I'm looking, and I'm thinking, okay, his emotional magnet is safety. He orders the same thing every time, right? Like, always gets the same thing.

Sandy Gerber [00:30:01]:
So I'm looking for one he has in his comfort zone, and I see Chipotle, and I go, okay, hey, love, how about Chipotle for dinner? And he says, no, we can't do that. I was like, but you love their burritos. What's the deal? And then he's like, yeah, but, Sandy, they're three blocks away. And I'm thinking, what? And then I realize his other emotional magnet is Value. He cannot justify a home delivery that's only three blocks away. So these are the kinds of things where we look at our partners and go, what is your problem? Right? And then I looked at him, and I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Value. Okay, I get it. And then I said to him, okay, honey, just out of curiosity, how far does it have to be for the food to be delivered? You know? And he's like, five blocks.

Sandy Gerber [00:30:47]:
So I was like, okay, I just scrolled further down. You know, I found one that was six blocks away. He's happy at his safety and Value. Emotional magnets met. And I was happy because it was a new restaurant, which is part of the experience. Emotional magnet. So these are the things that happen in our life, in our work, in our home life. These are the types of conversations we have where we kind of do a double take on the person, and we're thinking, what's your deal? Right.

Sandy Gerber [00:31:12]:
When we understand what's truly driving them, we stop labeling them as, you know, cheap or boring or whatever. And we now just say, oh, yeah, Value, safety, achievement, experience. I get you. And we move on. And, like, I did this for all my team members.

Tim Newman [00:31:28]:
That's awesome. Yeah.

Sandy Gerber [00:31:28]:
They would do the quiz from the book, and I understood what they needed from me as a manager, as a leader, and it just made us connect way better. So powerful thing to know why someone makes a choice that they do in your life.

Tim Newman [00:31:42]:
And it's such a good example of the food delivery because it's something that we all do it, right? I mean, everybody's ordering food off doordash or grubhub or whatever. Whatever it is. And I did the same thing. I've done the same thing. There's no way I'm paying.

Sandy Gerber [00:32:06]:
So Value is probably one of your emotional magnets, you know? And it shows up to him in all your choices. Like, it will show up in your Career in your hobbies, in what you care about. You know, like, if you're driven by achievement, then recognition is super important to you. Right. And if you're, you have a team member that's driven by achievement and you move their performance review, they're halfway out the door. Like, these are the things that we need to be mindful of with the people in our lives. You know, I have a sibling that has so much money, and whenever this person goes shopping, they're always like, oh, I don't know, maybe I should wait for it to be on sale. And I'm like, what, what's your problem? Right.

Sandy Gerber [00:32:46]:
But the thing is, now I realize, well, it's because it's value. They need to get a deal. They need to see that they're getting more value than what is being priced. Right. So, yeah, then you just look at them and go, of course, your value. I get it. You know, there's this real sense of acceptance and, and love, if you will, for the people in your life when you understand them better.

Tim Newman [00:33:07]:
Understand, you know. Yeah, it's. But it comes back to, you have to be interested in doing that.

Sandy Gerber [00:33:15]:
Yeah.

Tim Newman [00:33:18]:
You have to value other people. You have to truly. To do that, you have to truly value them and want to add value back back to them. That's not something that you can fake. I mean, you can. No, you can fake it to, to a certain level, but to, to really do that, that's not a sign of emotion that you can fake.

Sandy Gerber [00:33:38]:
No. I mean, you have to be self aware. I mean, I know lots of people. I think of emotional intelligence as different stages. Right. Like, you have to be self aware first. Right. And I know lots of people that are self aware, that they're jerks and they choose to do nothing about it.

Sandy Gerber [00:33:51]:
Right. That's just who they are. The next step is expression. Right. And so they, you have to be aware of who you are, and then you need to want to express that in a way that's respectful to people, where you make connection.

Tim Newman [00:34:03]:
Yes. Yeah. So how about body language? Yeah, I know that's one of your, one of your big things.

Sandy Gerber [00:34:11]:
Yeah.

Tim Newman [00:34:11]:
What's, what's one thing that right now that we're doing that's, that's hurting us and we have no idea that we're actually doing it.

Sandy Gerber [00:34:19]:
I think there's, there's a lot we aren't aware of. You know, we've got this screen in front of us the whole time.

Tim Newman [00:34:26]:
Right.

Sandy Gerber [00:34:26]:
So we're always looking down. So we're, we're not Even mindful of body language, a lot of the time when we're in a space. So putting that down first is the most important thing. When I go into a space, I, I rarely have my phone out. I'm looking at people just because I'm, I can read people. I understand what they're doing and they, and, and thinking most of the time. So it's pretty cool. It's like a game.

Sandy Gerber [00:34:44]:
But I was, I was into this like as a kid, right? I was bullied in when I was like 12 or 13, and I, my mom was a psychologist and I was fascinated with, you know, what she talked about with body language. And so one night I snuck into her library and I borrowed a body language book and I read it and I realized what the girls at the locker were whispering about, what the. Was happening there. And that kind of set a fire in me to, to keep learning about it. With body language, it's really about understanding, first of all what you're doing. You can never fully assess what others are doing. There's so many different things that could be happening at the same time. But first, understanding how you are coming across is the most important thing.

Sandy Gerber [00:35:29]:
So looking at your posture and seeing if you're open or you're sitting there closed, you know, there's different things if you're, if you've got a hand over around your mouth or a finger around your mouth, you're blocking, you're blocking connection if you're doing anything like that. I talk a lot about these in my keynotes and stuff. It's really fun. But one tool I teach that I think, I don't even know where I picked it up over the years, but it was fundamental to me being comfortable with networking. So let's say you're going into a room of people and you're uncomfortable meeting new people, which is the case after the pandemic. A lot of people are telling me that. First, first rate yourself on where you are with your resting cranky face. Like, what are you, where are you sitting? You know, are you low digits? Are you at the higher end of the scale? Where are you sitting with your cranky face? What do you think, Tim? Where are you sitting with your cranky face?

Tim Newman [00:36:20]:
Well, I'm, I'm not good.

Sandy Gerber [00:36:26]:
You have such a great smile. I'm so surprised.

Tim Newman [00:36:29]:
Well, it's throughout the majority of my life. It's just, that's just. I don't show any emotion, right? It's don't show emotion, don't show emotion. So this, this is My happy face, this is my sad face.

Sandy Gerber [00:36:43]:
That's what we're told.

Tim Newman [00:36:44]:
We're told to do, right? So. And then it's just become that. And one of my. She's become a very, very good, good friend, like a sister. And she said, the first time I met you, I was scared to death. You had that, that, that look on your face like you wanted to punch somebody. And I was like, what are you talking about?

Sandy Gerber [00:37:02]:
And it can be very intimidating to people, right? It can. And so, like, the thing, the thing to do there is to first check in, hey, look, like, when I'm not, when I'm not expressing anything, how do I look, right? Look in the mirror and do I look angry? Do I look like someone that would look, like, approachable? And then the quickest tip is to think of saying the letter E. So think of saying the letter E. And what happens is, yeah, you're doing it. Your mouth opens up a bit and you all of a sudden become more approachable and friendly. And this is what happens when you walk into a room thinking E. Instead of like, oh, my gosh, people are going to judge me this and that. Then you're focused on being more approachable and friendly, and people feel like you're trustworthy and they'll come up to you.

Sandy Gerber [00:37:48]:
Also makes you look a little bit more confident. Now, don't have a crazy E, like, you know, like a clown, but basically, and you certainly don't say it out loud because that would be super weird. But some people have said, sandy, I'm not comfortable with E. I'm not comfortable with saying that. I'm like, well, then think money. Because when you think money, that's what you're actually going to get in that situation. So this is what sportscasters, broadcasters have been doing for generations. So mindfully think of saying E.

Sandy Gerber [00:38:14]:
Now, when I told that to an introvert, it was like a light went off, right? They're like, oh, I've got a tool now that's going to make me feel more confident walking into a room of hundreds of people. And that's my gift, right, Is just to make sure that we simplify these things. And it worked for me in networking. It works for me. I still use it every time I walk into a room and hopefully someone in your listeners will use it too.

Tim Newman [00:38:38]:
And it really does work. Since we had the. Or the conversation, I've been doing that.

Sandy Gerber [00:38:45]:
Good and excellent.

Tim Newman [00:38:47]:
You know, it's. Go back to what we've said. It takes work and takes practice. You have, you have to be conscious. And you have to. You have to actually be intentional in doing those things. And I can tell. Tell you that it's been noticed now.

Tim Newman [00:39:04]:
It's only been noticed by people that are close to me, whether it's. Whether it's been my wife or my friends. You know, you. You seem to be smiling more. Whatever. And as I'm practicing my e. Trick. Leave me alone.

Sandy Gerber [00:39:18]:
This crazy Canadian done with this trick.

Tim Newman [00:39:22]:
But. But it does work. I mean, it's. If. If you do the work, that's. That. That's. That's the thing.

Tim Newman [00:39:28]:
And. Yeah, and people will. People will notice. And people who. If they. If they don't know you, then they're going to think that's just your face. Right?

Sandy Gerber [00:39:40]:
They're going to think you're friendly.

Tim Newman [00:39:42]:
That's it.

Sandy Gerber [00:39:43]:
They're going to think that. And, you know, that's great to hear, Tim. I love hearing that. And I think it's so important that people realize it isn't really that hard to do. Like, this is. You just have to make the choice. Do you want to connect better with people? If you do connect first with yourself, then with others, and then lead this. This movement of connection.

Sandy Gerber [00:40:05]:
Because, boy, do we ever need this right now in the world. Like, we just need more connection. And, you know, the stats are telling us it's going the opposite direction. So even if you walk into a room smiling a tiny bit more than you did yesterday, you're making the world a better place.

Tim Newman [00:40:20]:
Exactly. Exactly. So I read this book recently. It's by Ryan Leak. It's called how to Work with Complicated People. And when I first picked up the book, I was like, oh, man, I need this because I work with a lot of complicated people. It's not what you think. Complicated people is you is the point that he makes, right? And so he talks about the things that we should be doing internally to work with other people and communicate with other people, you know, and so as.

Tim Newman [00:40:56]:
As I think about it from a communication perspective, we all have communication problems. Everybody doesn't really matter who you are. If somebody were to listen and wake up tomorrow and say, you know what? They were right. Everybody should be doing that because we are right here. What's the first move that they should make?

Sandy Gerber [00:41:16]:
They got to check in with themselves first, right? They've got to track what they're saying to themselves. I say one tool. That's the fastest way to start this movement for themselves. This progress is. I call it first and last. And it really is close to my heart because I Used it. It's about thinking when you first wake up in the morning, before you take your head off the pillow, what's the first thought that you're thinking in your day? Because as I said, most of us thoughts are happening to us, we're not choosing them. So when you choose your first thought, like we wake up in the morning, we hit the snooze, we, we think ugh.

Sandy Gerber [00:41:52]:
Or we think about yesterday's problems or our to do list. But when you actually don't do that and instead put a intentional first thought in your day, that's setting the trajectory for your day. So waking up and saying, I'm confident, I am confident, I have everything I need to be successful today, what form of affirmation you want. But that very first thought as your subconscious is turning more into conscious state, that's really powerful. The last is your last thought of the the day. So before you go into the theta brain state of mind where you're just about to fall asleep and your subconscious is starting to really dial in, that thought is critical. Most of us will put down a phone doom scrolling and then go to sleep. That thought's going into your brain, into your subconscious.

Sandy Gerber [00:42:36]:
So really important. Again, an intentional last thought. I have what I need. You know, I'm grateful for this. Like whatever you want and to believe about yourself, bring that into your thought. These act like powerful bookends to your day and that starts forming your subconscious. I mean, I'm a clinical hypnotherapist as well. And so I dig deep into subconscious work where most of our emotion and our regulation issues are found.

Sandy Gerber [00:43:04]:
And it usually roots right back to a childhood belief. You know, someone said something and you made that your identity. Right. For 40, 50 years. So when we start taking intentional thoughts and putting them as bookmarks in our day, that starts the progress of turning into a better communicator. First with yourself.

Tim Newman [00:43:26]:
Yeah. And it's, it's so important. I used to go to bed reading the news, waking up first thing. Read the news.

Sandy Gerber [00:43:37]:
Yeah.

Tim Newman [00:43:38]:
And you know, there's reasons why they don't put any good things in the news. Right. And once you understand that, I'm not saying stop reading the news, but you're going to start following that idea of putting good thoughts in your head before you go to sleep. And as soon as you wake up, you know that does change, it does change the outlook and trajectory of your day overall. I would even say don't even, don't even pick up your phone for the first hour.

Sandy Gerber [00:44:10]:
Yeah. After after you wake up,

Tim Newman [00:44:13]:
you know,

Sandy Gerber [00:44:14]:
just, just start treating yourself as the most important track, vocal track in your life. What are you saying to yourself? You know, I mean, people are doing affirmations for generations and they work. But if you are negating that, if you're saying, oh, I don't want to do that work, work, it's too much. Just start with your first and last. What are you saying to yourself? So first, be aware of it because you know, the people, I've, I've trained lots of people on this and I, I'll never forget the CEO, very big company came up to me afterwards and you know, they're asking, what are your takeaways? This and that. And of all the tools I shared, this was the one, first and last. The CEO of a very successful company was not saying positive affirmations to themselves as soon as they woke up and as soon as they went to bed. And so he said, you know, that was one that was life changing for him.

Sandy Gerber [00:45:05]:
So this, I'm taking kind of what's been done in self development and putting it into communication and emotional intelligence and bringing it to a corporate environment. It's okay to do this stuff. It's not woo, woo. This is looking at what's inside you. What are you saying to yourself first? You, you cannot improve communication with others until you do the work on yourself first.

Tim Newman [00:45:26]:
Yeah, I'm glad you said that. And this is basic human behavior and biology, right? It's. Everything comes back to the, to the hormones and the, and the receptors and those things that happen that we, that we have no, we have no real control over unless we start to control them. Unless we start to control that voice in our head. And again, it's not as simple as just don't say anything negative because that's also a normal part of being human. It's limiting that and controlling that and having the more positive things that we intentionally think about as opposed to letting our brains go to the negative.

Sandy Gerber [00:46:12]:
That's right. Yeah. So powerful.

Tim Newman [00:46:16]:
So where can people connect with you and go deeper into this? Because this is. I love this stuff.

Sandy Gerber [00:46:22]:
Awesome. Yeah, thanks. I love this too. I would love them to connect with me so they can find [email protected] there's lots of free resources there for them and lots of tools. They can start right away. The other thing is I have magnetic communication podcasts. So just like the pocket tools I talked about when I do my podcast, it's just a 10 minute episode every week. So you get one tool in 10 minutes.

Sandy Gerber [00:46:45]:
How to improve your communication. So that's powerful. And of course, on social and stuff, you know, one thing I'd love. I'm not sure when this is airing, but I was honored to receive a nomination for the Women's Podcaster Awards. And what I loved about this is that it was in the mindset and mental health category. So which we really need help with right now. So I would ask your listeners, if they listen to the podcast and they find it of value, I would so greatly appreciate a vote. It's public voting.

Sandy Gerber [00:47:14]:
I haven't done public voting in 30 years. I'm not an influencer. So anybody that can do a vote for me, you know, I may get five, but who knows? You can go to womenspodcasters.com magnetic-communication and I'd greatly appreciate your vote.

Tim Newman [00:47:29]:
Dude, that's awesome. Congratulations.

Sandy Gerber [00:47:32]:
Thank you.

Tim Newman [00:47:33]:
And I'll put all those in the in the show notes. If you could text me or send me that, I will for sure. I'll make sure that that gets in there. And for everybody else, when you go to the website, Sandy, I gotta tell you this. Your speaker reel.

Sandy Gerber [00:47:52]:
Yeah.

Tim Newman [00:47:53]:
Love it.

Sandy Gerber [00:47:54]:
Oh, thank you. What do you love about it?

Tim Newman [00:47:57]:
Oh, you truly. Your personality truly comes out. You know, the open line, I'm tall and blonde, so I must have been a swimsuit model. And then you went through, you know, the Tipping point. It was great. Thank you.

Sandy Gerber [00:48:20]:
I appreciate it.

Tim Newman [00:48:22]:
But thanks so much for spending some time with us today. I really do appreciate it. And we'll talk to you soon.

Sandy Gerber [00:48:27]:
Thank you so much, Tim, for all you're doing. I really appreciate you.

Tim Newman [00:48:30]:
Take care. Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidencepodcast.com to get your free eBook, the Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and How to Overcome Them. You can also register for the Forming for Public Speaking course. Always remember, your voice has the power to change the world. We'll talk to you next time. Take care.