Welcome back to another episode of Speaking with Confidence, the podcast that dives deep into the art of public speaking and personal development. In today’s episode, we’re thrilled to have Aaron Parry join us for a discussion about overcoming self-doubt, embracing challenges, and the power of self-improvement. Aaron is the host of the They Not Like Us podcast and brings a wealth of experience from his diverse career path and shares valuable insights that are sure to inspire and motivate.
In this episode, we’ll dive deep into effective breathing techniques, particularly the 5-second interval method, and how it can be used to calm the mind before high-stress situations like public speaking. Aaron will also discuss the importance of focusing outwardly on the audience, the role of emotional connection in communication, and creating psychological safety for making mistakes. We’ll touch on generational differences in leadership, the evolution of coaching young athletes, and the need for adaptive progress to avoid stagnation.
Key Takeaways:
1. Focused Breathing Techniques: Both Tim Newman and Aaron Parry emphasize the importance of the box breathing technique (inhale for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, exhale for 5 seconds, and hold for 5 seconds) to calm the mind, especially useful before public speaking or engaging in high-stress activities. This technique helps in managing stress and maintaining composure.
2. Positive Mindset and Self-Discovery: Aaron Parry discusses the value of maintaining a positive mindset, focusing on self-discovery, and pursuing personal goals regardless of external support. Adopting a “with or without you” mentality and stepping out of one’s comfort zone can lead to significant personal growth and resilience.
3. Generational and Cultural Mindset Differences: The episode sheds light on the differences in mindset between the UK and the US, with the UK generally being more pessimistic. Aaron also discusses the need for older generations to adapt their leadership styles to better engage with the younger workforce, emphasizing understanding and supportive approaches.
4. Emotional Connection in Public Speaking: Aaron stresses the importance of making an emotional connection with the audience during public speaking. It’s crucial to focus outwardly on the audience rather than oneself, as people are more likely to remember how you made them feel rather than the specific content of the speech.
5. Resilience and Learning from Failure: Both speakers underscore the significance of resilience and adaptability, developed through facing discomfort and challenges. Aaron shares personal experiences of failure and emphasizes that learning from these experiences is key to eventual success. Understanding and making necessary adjustments based on failures can lead to growth and better outcomes in business and personal life.
Transcript
Tim Newman [00:00:06]:
Welcome to Speaking with Confidence. The podcast is here to help you unlock the power of effective public speaking. I’m your host, Tim Newman, and I’m excited to take you on a journey to become a better public speaker. Today, we have a special guest who’s on a mission to help people cut through the noise and find what really works in the world of self improvement, mindset, and personal growth. Aaron Parry is passionate about helping others navigate the challenges of life, staying resilient through setbacks, and fostering a community built on genuine success. With a focus on real world results and belief that anyone can achieve personal and financial freedom, Aaron is here to share his journey, insights, and practical strategies to help you elevate your mindset and take control of your future. Aaron, thanks so much for taking some time today, and and welcome to the show.
Aaron Parry [00:00:53]:
Thanks for having me on, Tim. It’s a real pleasure to be here.
Tim Newman [00:00:55]:
You know, you you and I talked, and we we’ve got a lot of things in common. And, you know, when I one thing first thing I told you was what really attracted me to you when when I saw your profile was was the name of your podcast, and that’s what?
Aaron Parry [00:01:12]:
They not like us.
Tim Newman [00:01:13]:
They not like us. So I I I love that. It’s catchy, and I really like like what you’re doing with that. But before we actually talk about your podcast, why don’t you, you know, go back and and kinda tell us about your journey and and how, you know, you you’ve evolved and and learned how to deal with some setbacks and some personal struggles that you’ve had?
Aaron Parry [00:01:37]:
Oh, man. I’ll I’ll go through my my upbringing and stuff first. So I I had a pretty good upbringing. I was very fortunate. I had hardworking parents. In my teenage years, my my father worked away a lot, so he wasn’t really around. He didn’t really have a father figure because he was he was away constantly. But, you know, for the benefit of the family, really sacrificing to to earn money and and do that.
Aaron Parry [00:01:58]:
But I struggled through my teenage years with not having a kind of a a male role model, really. I got to 18, left school. I did okay in school, but I’ve I’ve raised got some qualifications. I went to live in Portugal for 18 months to kind of experience life outside of the South Wales Valleys where I grew up. Spent 18 months out there. Did a bit of work in a bar, worked in a restaurant, a bit of a club rep, kids club rep. So kind of really pushing myself out of my comfort zone and having to socialize with people, put myself out there in front of people in in all these different ways, as a young lad. So that that really helped me, bring me forward.
Aaron Parry [00:02:42]:
I came back to the UK after 18 months there, and I spent probably well, when I get back, I got back 2,005. So I spent 4 years just job hopping, really. I tried everything. Jobs and and nothing was doing it for me. Didn’t enjoy anything. Everything was just just not capturing my attention. I just wasn’t interested enough in in anything. Wasn’t passionate enough.
Aaron Parry [00:03:07]:
So I was just wasting my time going out drinking, doing all the the the usual young lad stuff, until 2009 when I joined the Royal Air Force. And that really opened up some doors for me. Again, pushed me out of my comfort zone. They really, really worked on, among other things, public speaking. They they were really big on us, you know, giving presentations, being able to speak, in front of people, being able to deliver a message appropriately, and get enough detail across so people could, you know, use that because that’s what you need in a war zone, essentially. You know? The right information delivered in a way that people can understand. So I did that for 10 years, had my daughter. So and because I had my daughter or she was on the way, I I left because I didn’t wanna be a weekend dad, be away all the time, and be overseas all the time.
Aaron Parry [00:04:04]:
So I left, became a frontline police officer. So, again, more dealing with people, more having to, you know, get your message across, try to deal with, you know, some difficult situations, some difficult people. I’d worked my way up in that job to to be in managing people. So, it’s it’s been a mixed mixed journey of what what I’ve done. I’ve done a bit of everything, and I’ve often pushed myself out of my comfort zone. But throughout that journey in the background, which I have not mentioned yet, is I’ve always wanted more. I’ve always wanted to achieve something more. So I’ve always been trying to start businesses on the side.
Aaron Parry [00:04:42]:
I’ve tried, you name it, a lot of digital marketing stuff, a lot of the stuff that you can do, you know, whilst you’re working to try and create, you know, a successful job for myself or a a successful business, I should say. But, therefore, I’ve always ended up falling flat on my face. I’ve been you know, I’ve gone into it with business partners who have screwed me over, financially, leaving me the hangout to dry, which was quite a difficult experience to to deal with. I’ve had, you know, a a lot of the stuff just was copying other people, which was just wasn’t good. It wasn’t original. It wasn’t what I wanted to do. I was just copying somebody because somebody else had had success doing something. So it wasn’t until sort of recently when I’ve decided and I kinda found myself as a person, and kinda looked within, start stopped worrying about what everybody else is thinking, and started focusing on myself.
Aaron Parry [00:05:39]:
And then that’s where I started this podcast and and this community to to really help other people who are who are struggling, who who want to achieve more but don’t know how, or are following the wrong path because they’re trying to, like, conform with what everybody else is doing or follow what somebody else is doing. And, ultimately, I’ve been there. It’s not right for you. Don’t copy and it doesn’t get you anywhere.
Tim Newman [00:06:04]:
Yeah. And, you know, I I think that, you know, when when we when we look at, you know, young young professionals today, they are so worried about what other people think. And instead of looking inwards to them and and what’s what they want and what’s important to them, and, you know, how how much of that played into I mean, you you talk you you mentioned a little bit, but how much that truly play into your your journey? Where you where you would just, you know, really be so worried about what what other people were thinking and doing and and making decisions based on that?
Aaron Parry [00:06:42]:
Oh, it’s it’s been a massive, massive part of it. I think, you know, a a lot of my life and, you know, the the job hopping and everything else, and a lot of it is because it’s drilled into you from a young age, or you get a good job, you get a mortgage, you know, you get a family, you settle down, you work till you’re, you know, probably at this rate. It’s gonna be sort of 80, I imagine, before you can retire. And then, you know, retire and you enjoy the last couple of years of your life, but I don’t but it’s it’s never sat right with me, that that kind of that kind of feeling. And then you kind of do that to kinda please others because you think that’s what you should do. You kinda follow that path. And then even when you try to break out, you’re kind of still so worried about what everybody else is thinking or what everybody else is doing that you’re a bit too afraid to commit to anything fully. So you kind of dip your toe in the water, you don’t fully go for anything, and you don’t back your own convictions.
Aaron Parry [00:07:38]:
You’re you’re too worried about what other people are thinking. So if and that’s part of why I did, I think. If you copy somebody else, we do what somebody else is doing. No. It’s worked for them. It might work for me. And then if it doesn’t, I can blame them and say, oh, well, this just doesn’t work. You know? And there’s there’s that kind of stuff.
Aaron Parry [00:07:54]:
It’s that kind of everybody’s everybody’s afraid of of failure, but not because of that what it means to them. It’s because of what other people will think of them. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that and it’s not helpful for him.
Tim Newman [00:08:10]:
Oh, okay. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Aaron Parry [00:08:12]:
I was just saying it’s just not it’s not helpful. And all it does is is hold us back. And, you know, the sooner it’s it I mean, it took me 39 years to realize, you know, that actually looking inside, finding who you are, what you want, and trying to commit to that regardless of what anybody else thinks or if they support you, whatever else. Because my I have this I stole it from somewhere, but I can’t remember where I stole it from, but it’s the with or without you kind of energy. So Mhmm. You decide you’re gonna do something. If if people wanna come with you on that journey, then great. If they don’t, gonna do it anyway.
Aaron Parry [00:08:50]:
And And that’s the kind of energy that you need to to to be successful in your life and to give yourself the life that you want, really.
Tim Newman [00:08:57]:
Yeah. The it it’s so important because, you know, when you’re when you’re so worried about what other people are are thinking insane, you it holds you back so you so that you can’t give, you know, your best effort, a 100% effort, or or your attention to that because you’re you’re you’re really holding back. And once we figure out how to let that go, and like you said, just just jump in and and and do it and and give it your all. Give it everything that you’ve got, and and then let the chips fall over they fall.
Aaron Parry [00:09:28]:
Yeah. And you know what? I’ve I’ve had some some whopping failures. You know, I’ve I’ve lost a lot of money. I’ve, you know, been embarrassed. And you know what? It all just works out in the end anyway. You you know, it it goes away. That that stuff goes away. It doesn’t last forever even if you do have have these failures, if you do have these issues.
Aaron Parry [00:09:49]:
And, you know, most of it is is the attitude that you approach it with, the attitude that you continue with after if he does fail.
Tim Newman [00:09:58]:
Right. So so talk talk a little bit about that, you know, the the attitude that that you continue with when you fail. Because, again, I don’t know anybody who’s successful that hasn’t failed somewhere along the line. Right? I mean, because it’s it it’s it’s not a it’s not it’s not you’re gonna just go out there and and be great. I mean, everybody’s gonna fail. I mean, look, you know, look at some of the the biggest companies in the world. Amazon, you know, which I mean, we you can get anything you want in Amazon in 24 hours now. But when Amazon first started, they they were bleeding money for years.
Tim Newman [00:10:42]:
1,000,000 of dollars a year, I mean, in the red. And you you everybody kept saying, well, it’s not gonna make it. It’s not gonna make it. It’s not gonna make it. And I I would consider losing 1,000,000 of dollars a year failing, but he’s Jeff Bezos stuck with it. I mean, and and look at what we have now.
Aaron Parry [00:11:02]:
Yeah. It’s, some sort of monster now, isn’t it? Yes. Yeah. Ultimately, failure is necessary. I think if you if you if you don’t fail, you’ll even if you succeeded in the short term, you’ll fail in the long run because, you know, you need to be able to to accept them failures as well. So you so you’re gonna fail, and then it’s how you react and adjust to those failures. Because, you know, if you’re starting a business and something’s not working, you need to be able to adjust. You need to be able to, you know, change your direction potentially.
Aaron Parry [00:11:37]:
Not not completely, maybe, but or maybe you do need to do it completely depending on on the situation. It’s all, you know, it’s all bespoke to to the situation. However, you need to be able to take on the feedback from the market. Because ultimately, if you’re gonna start a business, the market will decide if you’re successful or not. So, you know, you you have to follow where the market takes you, and you can’t really sit there and just go, I’m just gonna do this way regardless. You you have to either bend to the market, find the market that that will be willing to purchase from you, or that’s you’re not gonna make any money from it.
Tim Newman [00:12:15]:
Exactly. You know, you know, to to me, that that’s that’s that’s business 101. You know, producing and selling goods and services that people want or need. You know, if if you’re producing goods and services that they don’t want or need, you’re not gonna be in business long. And, you know, again, that that goes back to, you know, when when we talk about public speaking, the the the number one thing that we have to remember, it’s our audience. Our audience has to come first. And it’s it’s it’s no different selling goods and services. If if if you’re not producing goods and services that they want or need, they’re not gonna buy it.
Tim Newman [00:12:52]:
That simple.
Aaron Parry [00:12:54]:
Yeah. Absolutely. And, you know, with with public speaking, it’s the same thing. If if people are you can’t get people interested. So, you know, people are not always gonna remember everything that you say, but they’ll remember how you make them feel. So it’s really important, you know, while we’re out there, but we’re trying to make them feel a specific way. Because if you make if you can evoke emotion in somebody when you’re talking to them, that they’ll be they’ll be hooked and, you know, that they’ll remember you fondly even if they don’t necessarily take all of the message in, and they’ll probably come back to you again, or they’ll probably listen to you again.
Tim Newman [00:13:25]:
Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, one one of the first things you you talked about was was stepping outside of your comfort zone, you know, when you when when you moved. And and and I think this is probably a cultural thing, you know. In in Europe, it’s so easy to just pick up and move, you know, to another country. And here in the states, you know, it’s you generally don’t we’re not moved to another country where we may move to another state. Most people don’t really e even do that. You know, they may move a little bit, you know, may maybe an hour or 2 away.
Tim Newman [00:14:04]:
A very few people will will pick up and move 100 of miles away to another state. So talk about that that that experience for you stepping outside your comfort zone and how that has kind of helped you, you know, throughout your your career.
Aaron Parry [00:14:21]:
Oh, it’s been it’s been massive, and and you’re definitely right. It’s the say it’s actually the same in the UK where, a lot of my friends I grew up with, I I think it’s it’s only me and one other friend that’s actually moved away or gone anywhere, done anything, know, remotely similar to this. So a lot of people just stay in that little comfort zone, in that little bubble where they grow up and they work in the same area, they live in the same area, they have the same friends, same family, and they never, you know, expand their horizons. And don’t get me wrong, when I when I did step outside my comfort zone when I went to live in Portugal, I I was actually 17 when I left. So I, you know, I was still a young lad, gone away from you know, lived with my parents or up until that time, could to live away. You know, it was scary. There was fear there. But I did it anyway because what I wanted was was bigger than the fear.
Aaron Parry [00:15:12]:
And, you know, I think that that’s the thing is the fear is always there. You’ve gotta just be willing to step and do it regardless because you gotta look at the bigger picture. You gotta take a step back and think, what’s this gonna bring me? So I did that. I’m I’m glad I did it when I did do it because that’s then it kind of set that tone so that I’ve been willing to do that throughout my life. I’ve been willing to to put myself in situations where actually, I’m not comfortable. You know, even public speaking, I struggle at the start not not being comfortable. It’s the same with everything I did when I joined the military, when I did my initial training. I wasn’t comfortable.
Aaron Parry [00:15:49]:
It was difficult. But I found that every single time I’ve popped myself in a situation like that, I’ve I’ve grown as a person, and I’ve developed more skills, I’ve become more robust. And and, generally, my life’s become better as a result of it.
Tim Newman [00:16:06]:
That that that’s so important that that I hope our audience really leans into and listens to. You know, the the more you step outside of your comfort zone, the more you get comfortable being uncomfortable, the better off you’re gonna be. The the the the more you’re gonna learn, the stronger you’re gonna be. And the benefits are are going to be not only exponential, but like you said, they’re gonna last so much longer. You know, you you you went away at 17. I I graduated high school, and I I joined the military. I mean, that’s that’s what I did. And, you know, we I had the summer off and, you know, went in, you know, went into base training in in the fall.
Tim Newman [00:16:54]:
And as an 18 year old, you know, you think you know everything in the world until you get on the bus and you get off the bus and you’ve got, these these these grown men yelling at you. And now all of a sudden, you you have to turn you have to go from a from a kid to a grown man, and and it it means something. So, again, stepping outside of that comfort zone, what what that’s done for me is I I wouldn’t be where I am now had I not done that. You know, it’s it’s it’s kind of those same things. You know, I’ve got I’m kind of in the same boat as you. I’ve I’ve got a lot of high friends from high school, still live in the same area. You know, we’re the the so the day that we’re actually recording this, there’s a high school reunion back back in my hometown for, a a football team that I played on that went to to state championship. You know? Everybody’s there.
Tim Newman [00:17:52]:
I’m obviously not, but I mean, you know, all all my friends that they live there, they’re they’re doing that. And and and, again, they’ve some of them have gone on to do great things, and some of them have moved away and come back in those types of things. But very few of us actually left, you know, and didn’t go back. And so it’s you know, we we I I harp on a lot, you know, the importance of stepping outside your comfort zone and and getting comfortable being uncomfortable. But, you know, you you you’re you’re the living embodiment of what that can do and how that can actually, you know, change the trajectory of your life.
Aaron Parry [00:18:35]:
Oh, absolutely. It’s, it’s it’s something that and the military is is brilliant, isn’t it, Tim? Let’s be honest. It’s you know, because they they will constantly push you to get the get the best out of you and and to make you the best person that you can be. So I’ve had some great experiences in the military even with the cover the social elements where they’ve taken me off skiing, they’ve maybe jumped off 50 foot cliffs. Well, we’ve done all sorts of stuff that I never ever would have done if I hadn’t joined the military. And it’s all stuff that’s made me uncomfortable, and it’s all stuff that’s made me grow as a person. And I think it just gives you some sort of resilience as well, which which I’ve brought to my life. And, you know, it’s it’s been invaluable really because especially in in nowaday and age, you see a lot of people who, you know, just really struggle with the distress of of day to day life.
Aaron Parry [00:19:22]:
And it’s something to be said for that resilience that you can get by being uncomfortable more often than pushing yourself to, you know, to to to grow and to to develop.
Tim Newman [00:19:34]:
And and so how do you handle that with because again, you’re you’re you’re you’re a sergeant in the police force and you’re you’re managing, again, young professionals. How do you manage, you know, that with with with the younger generation, you know, pushing them to to, again, get better? Because number 1, in your job, number 1, it’s a high stress job. You you you’re dealing with with things that most of us can’t even imagine. And, you know, you’re responsible for developing and training and protecting these people, but also pushing them to become better because eventually, somebody in that in the in that group that that you’re in charge of is gonna have your job.
Aaron Parry [00:20:16]:
Oh, absolutely. The the the way I see it is is the more leaders you develop from, you know, from your team because a lot of people and you you see it a lot, and I’ve I’ve seen it a lot in in my job, that people get to a leadership position, and they want to be everybody look at me. I’m great. I’m this great person, and they put everybody else down to try and to try and elevate themselves. And I’ve never understood that. I’ve never understood the concept or why people would do that. But my my opinion and the way I look at it is I try to lift everybody up. And if I can if I’ve got a team of 10, for instance, and I create 5 leaders in that team that go on to, you know, to to get my job or the job above and to succeed up the ranks, then I’ve done a good job as a leader because I’ve developed those people.
Aaron Parry [00:21:06]:
And and that’s my job. My job is to remove obstacles so they can be really good at their job and to help them to develop and and get better. And obviously, the emotional support and everything else that comes with, you know, some of the difficulty with the role.
Tim Newman [00:21:20]:
Yeah. Yeah. And and again, you know, when when you look at when you look at leadership, you know, you you mentioned it that I don’t under I don’t under I don’t understand how you’re an actual leader if you’re putting other people down and stepping on them to advance yourself. That that that to me isn’t a leader at all. But but, again, we we see that a lot, and I yeah. Maybe this is where I put rose color glasses on that that maybe we’re not seeing that as much as we used to. And I I and may and maybe that, you know, we’re starting to understand, you know, more about human behavior and and leadership training and what and what especially the the younger generations actually need to become become better, to become more resilient, that that maybe maybe we are kinda turning the corner. So what what are your thoughts on that?
Aaron Parry [00:22:24]:
Yeah. Maybe, Tim. I I still I think public service, whenever you work for in a government role, I think that they always lag behind the private sector. The private sector kind of has the the incentive of of the financial gain to to continue to evolve and and get better. And then the public sector kind of follows it behind, kinda gets dragged up behind, and kind of always find that we are sort of 10 years behind, really. But, I I I think there’s there’s there’s a lot to be said about the difference in generations. So you you get the leaders that move up and become the older generations, and then they’re not quite and this they don’t understand the younger generation that they don’t take the time to understand. So a lot of what I do in in the leadership role is try to understand where they are coming from, their perspectives, their backgrounds, that that that kind of stuff.
Aaron Parry [00:23:17]:
Because if I understand them and what makes them tick, actually, I I can manage them better because I can’t manage them the same way I would manage, you know, somebody from my generation. And I have, you know, people within my team who are, you know, different generations. And I have to treat them and manage them differently because they respond differently to different things. But I think a lot of the, I’ll put it in inverted commas, the old school managers, just have this one way. This is this is my way. This is what we’re doing, and that doesn’t really work, I don’t think, in a in a modern society.
Tim Newman [00:23:50]:
Yeah. And and and I I look at that and I take that a step further. Because, again, I come from from a sport industry background. And if we if you look at coaches, you coaches when I when I was younger, it was, this is the way we’re gonna do it, you know, barking orders, yelling. And, again, that worked for me. It it it was fine. But if you look at the younger generations now, we you they’re not gonna respond to that. And you’re not gonna get the best out of them by by going by going that route.
Tim Newman [00:24:24]:
I mean, you you you’ve got experience, you know, coaching high level high level rugby clubs. Right? You know, taking care of, you know, not the top level, but but just under that in in a lot of the community programs. What what what do you see? What what did you learn from from the younger generation when you served in that role?
Aaron Parry [00:24:48]:
That honestly, it was really challenging. So I I coached so there was, Northampton Saints community department. So they I coached kids from sort of starting out, sort of under nines, sort of 7 and 8 year olds, up to the the academy kind of, those on on the border of getting into the academy at sort of 16, 17. And it it was difficult at the start. It was really difficult to try and, you know, understand, you know, what made them tick and and how to to get the best out of them or how to how to be the best for them, really, I’d say, actually. But what what I found is I actually, let them run a lot of the sessions. So I would come in and I would I would give them options. So I wouldn’t come in and and dictate and say, we’re gonna do this drill.
Aaron Parry [00:25:42]:
We’re gonna do that drill. We’re gonna do this drill. I would come in with a number of ideas of my own, and I’d say, right, this is what we wanna achieve. Say, if we’re working on passing, this is what we wanna achieve. How how can we do it? And, honestly, half the time, they’d come up with some great ideas that I didn’t even think of that were even better, and they enjoyed it. And I’d always make it sort of game related. So it’s because, you know, younger generations, they they love well, I think we all do, actually. I said the younger generation.
Aaron Parry [00:26:12]:
We all like, you know, it to be a game, to be a bit fun while we learn rather than just I always used to hate just doing drills, just boring drills. There’s a place for it, don’t get me wrong, but I used to hate doing it over and over again. So I always kind of leaned on them to try and find out what what they enjoyed. So we’d I try to find out, you know, if they if they liked a particular computer game and stuff like that, if they, you know, always, like, common between them all. You know, like, if it’s Minecraft or something like that. We try and build a game, a rugby game around that concept, that idea. And they used to really buy into stuff like that. So that is kind of that digging deeper and finding out what their interests are, what what makes them tick, what brings them joy, what what upsets them.
Aaron Parry [00:26:55]:
And then you try to use that to to mold them to to learn and to develop towards, you know, the end goal where, you know, is being in that instance is being accomplished rugby players.
Tim Newman [00:27:07]:
Right. Yeah. That’s a that’s a really interesting concept that, you know, the gamification of of skills and and skill development. And and I think it’s you know, just listen to your I I think you did did a a great job of saying, okay. You know, you didn’t just give them we could do whatever we want. You said this these are the skills that we need to learn. This is what what we need to accomplish. This is where we wanna be.
Tim Newman [00:27:33]:
How do you wanna get there? And and give them some ownership in that. That is that’s, you know, the the younger generations, you know, really do buy into that. It’s it’s I look at maybe from from being a parent’s perspective. You know, you’ve got a daughter. I’ve I’ve got grandkids now. I grew up, you’re gonna do this because mom said so. Dad said, what? There was no why. You you didn’t ask why.
Tim Newman [00:27:59]:
I mean, you you may have asked why once or twice, and then you learned, okay, we’re not asking why. And you know what? I’ve got a 4 year old granddaughter right now, and they’re we we spent some time with them a couple weeks ago, and, she kept asking why to my to my wife. And I kinda joke when we said to my wife, I said, you don’t tell her why? And you told her because this because she said so. That’s why we’re doing it because she said so. She said, I’m I’m I’m not doing that. We can’t we can’t do that to to to a 4 year old. I said, I know, but you’ve you’ve gotta find a better way to to communicate your why with her. Otherwise, she’s gonna continue to ask, ask why.
Tim Newman [00:28:42]:
Just tell just tell her. And, at at 4 years old now, you know, if you if you think about it again from from that perspective, I I I think they are so much smarter today than than my generation was or maybe your generation was. And so we we if if if we don’t start to evolve and start to figure out how to connect with them, then we’re it’s not them that’s gonna be in trouble. It’s gonna be us that’s gonna be in trouble because we’re not gonna have anybody to to to fill in and do the the things that need to get done to to grown into leadership positions and produce the goods and services that that we need as a as a society to to evolve and grow.
Aaron Parry [00:29:28]:
Absolutely, Tim. And, you know, we’re we’re we’re terrible for it because, I do it as well. Well, when I was a kid when I was a kid, I say I say that. It’s the same thing as it’s the same thing as that when but within work and the goal, why are you doing something that way? Because we’ve always done it that way. You know, it’s it’s such a terrible way to look at things, and, you know, it just halts progress and and, you know, evolution. And what what we should be doing is looking, you know, to the younger generation to to to learn from them, really, and and see how we can adapt and get better and improve ourselves. I’m not like I said, that’s part of what I try to do with the coaching because I just think it’s it’s really important to get in. And I I also think that it’s not just kids.
Aaron Parry [00:30:08]:
It’s it’s it’s all of us. So I think if we have something, an idea that we, you know, we’re invested in, you know, something we’ve been a part of creating, something that we, you know, we we feel more a part of it than somebody just telling us you have to do this. Why? Because I said you have to do it. You know, if we’re the part of it, and we’re part of this, and we know we got a creative license to kinda change it if it’s not good. Right? Because that’s another thing we would do if, you know, if if the session wasn’t going great, we’d have them in, and we’ll review it. We’ll review it as a group and go, what’s going good, what’s going bad?
Tim Newman [00:30:37]:
How can
Aaron Parry [00:30:37]:
we change it? How can we make it better? And we would do that. And I think you get so much more buy in from the from the, you know, from the kids doing that and the people doing that. And it also translates. So when they were on the field and they were playing because coaches have this thing, you know, they they they micromanage training sessions, but when when there’s a game, there’s nothing you can do. They’re out in the field and they gotta do it for themselves. So I always try to get them to do it for themselves in training.
Tim Newman [00:31:03]:
Because if
Aaron Parry [00:31:03]:
they can do it for themselves in training, that’s the habit. So they’ll they’ll then do it on the pitch. So they’ll they’ll they’ll go out. They’ll play. If something’s not going going well, they’ll get together. They’ll have those little quick conversations, you know, in between plays, and and then they’ll be back trying to fix it. You know? And and it’s building that mindset into them and that that kind of thought process into them rather than prescribing exactly what they need to do all the time.
Tim Newman [00:31:29]:
Exactly. Exactly. You you and and as you think about that, you know, what kind of role do you think community plays in in personal and professional success? And and how can young professionals actually build that that supportive network? You know what? If you’re if you’re playing on on a team, that that’s one thing because you you you you’ve got that you’ve got that network because everybody’s going through the same thing together. You’re going through practice. You’re going through training. You’re going through the games. You’re going through the season together. You know? But when you step outside of that, you know, how can, young professionals build that that network?
Aaron Parry [00:32:12]:
That that is a very difficult thing to do, Tim, I think, personally, because we we all get tied into our, kind of, friendship groups and our family and everything else. So we have these prebuilt support networks. And, unfortunately, I’d I I’ve said this before, we we all kind of grow up, go through school and and life where people kind of put us in categories. We kinda try and fit in with groups, and then we get put in these categories, and then we we do that and we get stuck in those categories all the way through school, a a lot of the time beyond. And this is part of why people don’t move away as well, I think, is is we get we become kinda categorized. We are this type of person. You know, we we we work 9 to 5. We do this.
Aaron Parry [00:32:56]:
We we play squash twice a week or something. But, you know, we’re we’re this that that’s who we are, and the people around us feel safe with that. And soon as we start stepping out of that to try and do something else, to go, oh, I’m gonna quit my job. I’m gonna gonna start a business. I’m gonna do this. People people start going, oh, oh, well, this isn’t safe anymore. We don’t we don’t know this version of you. So that’s so so they don’t even mean it half the time to be negative, but they can be very negative because they partly, they’re afraid that you’ll go and fail and they want you to be okay.
Aaron Parry [00:33:28]:
But partly, it’s because they have this image of you. They have this safe version of you, a predictable version that that fits into their world, and they’re okay with that. So I often think that and it’s been my experience that you have to look outside of your group and you have to go elsewhere. So you have to go, and as part of, like, why I do all my podcast, I’ve met some great people doing my podcast, like minded people. But I think you’ve gotta put yourself out there. You’ve gotta go and look for these people. And it’s a minefield out there because you get caught in a lot of these scams and, like, people say, oh, yeah. You pay me this amount of money, and I’ll guarantee you this, that.
Aaron Parry [00:34:09]:
Yeah. There’s there’s so many scams out there, and marketing especially is a is a is a minefield. So it’s difficult it’s difficult to navigate at the start. But I would suggest looking for kind of free resources. Like, anybody who’s listening to your podcast, you know, is this is a great resource from this. Free is costing them nothing. You know? And the the the other people who are gonna be listening to this are gonna be like minded. You know? You can have guests on you that are like minded that you could potentially follow, and and you can kinda build up networks like that and and maybe reach out, maybe have, you know, message people.
Aaron Parry [00:34:41]:
I’m sure most people would be willing to help, especially, you know, if they’ve been in that situation themselves.
Tim Newman [00:34:48]:
Yeah. I I I think that last thing you said is is so true. But most people are good people, and they wanna help. They they they really are. Now now timing may not necessarily always work out. And they’ve they may say, you know, I’d love to, but I can’t. But more likely, if they say that, they’re going to refer you to somebody else who can. You know, somebody, you know, who who they know or maybe has an expertise in a certain area or or niche that that that you’re looking at.
Tim Newman [00:35:19]:
And to me, it it it’s very difficult for people to to say they need help. Truly help. Right? Okay. You may go into a grocery store and you and you’re asking, you know, you know, where are the peas? K. That’s not what we’re talking about. We’re we’re talking about, you know, the the the life changing help or or or things that that actually, you know, have deep meaning that you need help with. We don’t ask for it. Why is that?
Aaron Parry [00:35:52]:
That is a really difficult one. And I I think I think it’s the vulnerability. You know? I think it’s vulnerable to say, I’m at this point in my life. I’m not happy because we all wanna present this, and I’ve done it. I’ve done it for years. Present this mask where, oh, everything’s great. I’ve got, you know, life is brilliant and etcetera to the outside world. But internally, just you’re just not happy and you you want something else is that, you know, your your life’s not going the way you want it to go.
Aaron Parry [00:36:25]:
You bought cars with loans. You know? This is basically money you don’t have that you’re stealing from future your future self and all that kind of stuff just just to make it look like you’re doing well. And that’s all that nonsense that, you know, you need to start by being vulnerable. If you’re willing to be vulnerable with other people, you will you will ask for help when you need it. And you will reach out to people and you will say, you know, if if you’re at a specific part of your life and you wanna get to somewhere else, and you might not know how to get there, you know, but if somebody else has be walked that road, they’ve gone down that path already, then they could help you. It’s it’s being vulnerable enough to say just to say, 1st and foremost, that I’m not where I wanna be. This is where I’m at. I wanna get to this place.
Aaron Parry [00:37:16]:
How do I get there? You know? And but I think I think it’s a vulnerability thing. I think people are afraid to be vulnerable because they’re afraid that people take advantage of them, people will hurt them. And it’s subconscious a lot of the time. A lot of that’s not conscious. It’s not consciously thinking that. I think it’s just a human thing that that that’s the way we are. But from my experience, when you are willing to be vulnerable with people and you are willing to put yourself out there, good things happen.
Tim Newman [00:37:41]:
Exactly. You
Aaron Parry [00:37:42]:
just you know, and and you draw you draw in, you attract good people. When you’re wearing that mask all the time and you’re not willing to be vulnerable, you you attract them same type of people. But when you’re willing to be vulnerable and put yourself out there and and be, you know I’m not saying you’re not a good person because you’re wearing a mask, but being be a open honest person, then you you attract them kind of people into your life.
Tim Newman [00:38:04]:
Right. Right. And and, you know, a lot of times, you know, they’re looking for for leaders too. Right? The people around you are looking for a leader, and and if they see see you saying, okay, I need help, then it’s much easier for them to say, I need help too. Like, if, you know, if if if they if they look up to you and they see you as somebody who that that they can trust, more more likely than not, they’re gonna feel better by asking for help themselves as well.
Aaron Parry [00:38:33]:
Absolutely. And, you know, I think that’s and that’s something that I focus on as a leader, and, and I’m as a parent as well. Do for my kids, if I if I make a mistake, I’m I’m really quick to to own up to the mistake and to to to point it out if nobody’s noticed it. Because, actually, you know, like, I I think I told you this story when we spoke the other day, but, like, I I was on my way to work, picked up a coffee from McDonald’s on the way as I normally do in the morning, went to put it in my went to put it in the cup holder and literally poured the entire thing out. We just just dropped it, and it just filled up my center console of my car with coffee, which was blue shirt. The first thing I did was was laugh about it and then tell everybody as soon as I got to work. And, you know, they they will laugh at me watching me clean it up. But I think it’s important to show that human side, that that vulnerability and, you know and I do it with work mistakes as well.
Aaron Parry [00:39:24]:
If I make a mistake at work, I’m like, oh, yeah. That’s my bad I did that. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I I messed that up. And I think it’s important because if you’re willing to do it and put yourself out there, you know, the people who work with with you or for you will be much more willing to do that as well. And you just have that better culture, better or balanced culture where you can grow together and realize, actually, I’m not very good at this, but you are. Can you help me with that? Well, I’m really good at this. I can help you with that if you’re struggling. And it just builds it that that’s how teams work, and that’s how how, you know, things get better.
Tim Newman [00:39:58]:
And and if if somebody makes a mistake, you’re you’re not gonna get all over.
Aaron Parry [00:40:03]:
Right? It’s it’s yeah. It’s that’s so important. You know? That psychological safety, that that
Tim Newman [00:40:08]:
Mhmm.
Aaron Parry [00:40:08]:
That space to make mistakes. Because Right. I mean, who I’d if you don’t expect people to make mistakes, then you’re living in a dream land, because
Tim Newman [00:40:17]:
Exactly.
Aaron Parry [00:40:18]:
Everybody makes mistakes. We’re all human. And for me, it’s the intention. If the intention’s good, making mistakes does not matter. Exactly.
Tim Newman [00:40:28]:
Exactly. So let’s talk a little bit about about your podcast and what you’re doing with that. How did that how did that come come about, and, what do you what types of successes are you are you seeing with it?
Aaron Parry [00:40:45]:
So I started a podcast, actually. I tried to start a podcast in 2018 when I was still wearing my mask. And I tried to do an in person podcast, which was much more difficult to do, getting guests, you know, to get in location, getting the audio right in the location. I it was a it was a nightmare. So that didn’t last very long. I think I did 2, maybe 3 episodes, and I kind of have been that off disappointingly. I’ve I’ve come back to it recently in the last year doing this kind of format where I’m just but using Riverside, really, I am. So I’m I’m doing a video link.
Aaron Parry [00:41:29]:
Sorry. And that way, I can get more guests. I can get more people from all around the world with different experiences and different cultures and, you know, different backgrounds, which is really eye opening and really good. And I’ve I’ve managed to get some really inspiring guests. And as much as it’s for everybody else, it’s it’s also for me. I’m learning a lot from from it, from speaking to, you know, to great people and, you know, speaking to people like yourself. I’m gonna have you on the show too, aren’t I?
Tim Newman [00:41:58]:
Yes, sweetie. Yes, sir.
Aaron Parry [00:42:00]:
Yeah. So so speak speaking to people with all this great life experience and great things, it’s it’s really helped me, and it helps me kind of process things, helps me think about things. Because I think a lot of the time, we keep so much in, especially, you know, I don’t wanna be too general, but especially as men, we’re terrible for kinda keeping our emotions, our feelings, our thoughts in and not talking as much. And these kind of deeper conversations really kinda force you to think and force you to, you know, explore yourself a little bit and, you know, share a bit more. And I do find every every kind of podcast I’ve I tend to open up a little bit more. I share a little bit more. And Mhmm. It’s just a bit more and more free in every time.
Aaron Parry [00:42:40]:
I just hope that that that example that is I set by being open, being free, by my guests being open, free, and and sharing some of them sharing some really difficult, you know, difficult dark moments that they’ve been through. I hope that that will inspire and help other people to to have that vulnerability and to come forward and to start, you know, a portion of the world in that way.
Tim Newman [00:43:02]:
Yeah. And and I I I know that it does. You know, as as I’ve as I’ve gotten, you know, deeper into do doing podcasts and, you know, we talked about I I do a different one that’s that’s that’s very different than this. It’s still interview based, but but it’s very, very different than this. I don’t know how doing something like this and having the guests on that we have on, I don’t know how you not learn something from other from other people and and different cultures. I mean, because if you number 1, if you’re not learn for for if you’re not learning from those other people, then why are you even doing this? And it it you’re you’re not really helping your your audience either if you’re not learning something. Because we we should we should be taking what we what we’re learning from from our guests and, evolving to become better at at our craft and and better thinkers and and better understanding of of the way, you know, different people think, the their their cultures, the way they process things. All all those things really, you know, come into play.
Tim Newman [00:44:13]:
So, again, I I I don’t know how we if you because if you’re again, I if you’re really doing this for the right reasons, I don’t know how you’d not learn something from from all these people, really.
Aaron Parry [00:44:24]:
Definitely. And I think, you know, we we can all especially with social media that we have these little echo chambers, they call them, don’t they, where we, you know, we we follow all very like minded people. And it’s good to have a different mix of people on and, you know, challenge your thinking sometimes and, you know, not not have that confirmation bias where you’re constantly just reinforcing the same ideas over and over again, where actually you you’re looking at other people and and, you know, you you’re asking the questions to think, well, maybe there’s another way to do this. Maybe they Absolutely. I’ve had, out of all the guests I’ve had on, they all of them, you know, have had interesting lives. All of them have, you know, overcome adversity and and have their different ways to, you know, deal with it and the different ways that they’ve come through it, the different ways to be resilient and, you know, to to help their mindset or to take the pressure off and and enjoy their well-being. And they’re all different. So this, for me, there’s there’s always there’s there’s more than one way to skin a cat, as they say.
Aaron Parry [00:45:24]:
So there’s
Tim Newman [00:45:25]:
Absolutely. There
Aaron Parry [00:45:26]:
there’s lots of different ways that you can get there. And, you know, I think having lots of different people on, you can kinda take little bits that you like from everyone and see what works for you and use. And and that’s kind of what I’ve done. I’ve my coping mechanisms and the way I am is lots of different bits that I’ve stolen from other people, really, that that how I like that. That works for me. I’ll use that. And some of it doesn’t, but, you know, it’s still great to have that idea and to even, like, try things. And and and that’s how we we get to where we wanna go, really.
Tim Newman [00:45:59]:
Exactly. And, you know, again, just just to take that one of those points there, you know, I I spoke with somebody yesterday, who’s who lives in Canada now, but he he’s Israeli. And one of the the things that he does, you know, before he goes on stage to to do his public speaking, he does this thing called box breathing. You know, I’ve I’ve heard it before, but I didn’t really know what it was. And he told me about how it works and how you can take your your your breast per minute from, like, 12 down to 3, and what that does to your heart rate and and how how that, you know, calms calms your body down. And those types of things can be used not only when you go out for public speaking, but any other time that you’re you’re in a stressful situation to to be able to control your emotions, to control your your your heart rate, control your thinking so that you can actually start thinking clearly and make better decisions.
Aaron Parry [00:46:56]:
Absolutely. Breathing is is really, really powerful. Mhmm. You know, people use it for lots and lots of different things. What what is the box breathing method, Tim? Is that, like, a consistent is that the 4 seven eight method, or is it different?
Tim Newman [00:47:10]:
So you and I’m if if I get it wrong, Internet, please, you know, don’t jump on me, but it’s, you inhale and and hold it for 5 seconds. Oh my god.
Aaron Parry [00:47:29]:
I I know I know one that is is is a 4 second inhale, 7 second hold, and then the 8 second exhale. It’s it’s I imagine it’s similar to that.
Tim Newman [00:47:38]:
It it’s it’s very similar, and I and I gotta go back and and and look at what he said, but it’s it’s it’s force it’s 4:4 or 5 second intervals. So a total of 20 seconds, and, you know, you you end up breathing, you know, 3 times. So may maybe it’s inhale for 5 seconds, hold it for 5 seconds. Yeah. It’s worth it’s inhale for 5 seconds, hold it for 5 seconds, exhale for 5 seconds, and and hold that before you inhale again for 5 seconds.
Aaron Parry [00:48:16]:
Cool. Yeah. The So the breathing stuff is so powerful. And for some reason, you your breathing just kind of brings calm to your mind when you when you control your breathing, you focus on your breathing. Because when you are focused on your breathing as well, you’re not focusing on anything else. Right. You because I I don’t know what other people are like, especially if, you know, if you’re gonna do some public speaking. I I imagine that their minds like mine will just constantly go in, think of the worst case scenario, think of this, think of that.
Aaron Parry [00:48:44]:
And, you just need to bring some quiet to that to that mind, really, and bring some calm to it, especially before any sort of public speaking. And before any sports stuff, I always used to do visualization. So I’d take some time. I’d focus on my breathing, and I’d I’d focus on what what I’m gonna do, how it’s gonna go, and just just think of the positive stuff all the time so that when I get up there, I’m in that kind of positive mind frame, that that kind of good place, really.
Tim Newman [00:49:13]:
Yeah. Yeah. That that’s awesome. Is is there anything else that we we haven’t talked about that you’d you’d wanna share with with the audience?
Aaron Parry [00:49:22]:
I think just to to to see with public speaking, I think, because, obviously, I’ve not said too much about it, and I I’m conscious of that. But I think I think a lot of it is when we go on and and when we talk, we’re we’re public speaking, we we think about ourselves a lot. Mhmm. When we just shift our focus to the audience or to to the people out there and and have our focus outward when we’re doing that kind of that public speaking is I think that that just adds to it definitely does for me. That adds to my kind of nervousness. I’m thinking, oh, I’m doing this or I’m doing that. I do focus on other people. If you could be if you could shift that focus outward, everything will will just be a lot lot easier for you because you’ll be much less critical.
Aaron Parry [00:50:03]:
You you’ll be less worried about what you’re doing, and you’ll you’ll just kind of naturally relax into what you’re doing.
Tim Newman [00:50:09]:
Yeah. And the reality is what people don’t truly understand is they’re not thinking about what you’re doing anyway because they have the same thoughts that you do. They’re worried about what other people are thinking about them.
Aaron Parry [00:50:21]:
Yeah. Of the time. You know, every everybody is the main character in their own life. So everybody’s more worried about themselves than everybody else. And I think when we realize that, we we, you know, we look out and can can appreciate that, actually, they’re more concerned with themselves. And that that’s where it comes down to how you make people feel as well when you’re talking. If you can make them feel good about themselves, then, actually, they they’ll have really good positive memories, and they’re probably taking a little bit more of what you’re saying as well.
Tim Newman [00:50:49]:
Exactly. Exactly. So so where can people find you? I I know we we we talked about your podcast. Are they not like us? But but where else can they can they find you?
Aaron Parry [00:51:00]:
Yeah. So my my podcast is on all the the major, platforms like Spotify and Apple Podcasts and YouTube. I have a website called they not like us.co.uk, and it has links to all my social media and to the podcast themselves. So it’s probably the best place if they wanna wanna find me. But, yeah. No. I’m I’m on I’m on every platform, TikTok, YouTube, everything apart from LinkedIn, really. I’ve got LinkedIn, but I just don’t use it.
Tim Newman [00:51:28]:
There’s that TikTok thing again. I know we talked about it. Yeah. And I’m still dragging my feet on it, but I I know I know eventually I’ll I’ll get there. But, I’ll I’ll put all your I’ll put all your links in the show notes, and I’ll I’ll link to the podcast and those other things. But but, Aaron, thank you so much for for taking some time and talking with us. You know, I I I I really do think that, you know, the the more people hear, that the message that that that you’re that you’re giving, that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to to to have self doubt, and it’s more about how we get over it and and it to to just go about achieving the things that that we wanna achieve and being great at life.
Tim Newman [00:52:08]:
You know? I look at it like this. You know? It came it came from a from a show. I don’t know if if if you all had it over over in the UK, how I met my mother, where where Barney would say, you know, whatever. I I stop that, and I get and I get back to being awesome. Right? I stop I stop thinking about that, and I get back to being awesome. That that’s kinda how I how I operate my life. You know? If I’m sick, I stop being sick and get back to being awesome. You know? And and if Yeah.
Tim Newman [00:52:33]:
People can just kinda have that mindset and and and and and move forward, I think they’ll be so much better off.
Aaron Parry [00:52:41]:
Absolutely. This is a very different mindset in the UK to the to the States as well. We’re very pessimistic and negative over here. So it’s, it it takes a bit more work. But I think, you know, the the fear is always there that, you know, whatever you’re doing, the fear is always there. The anxiety is always there. It’s what we do in spite of that that matters.
Tim Newman [00:52:59]:
Exactly. Right, my friend. You take care of yourself, and and I’ll talk to you soon. And and by the way, you got you gotta send me a link so we can get we can get this thing scheduled, and and I can, view on your podcast. They’re not like us.
Aaron Parry [00:53:10]:
Will do. Absolutely. Tim, it’s been an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for having me on the show.
Tim Newman [00:53:15]:
Alright, bud. Take care.
Aaron Parry [00:53:16]:
Thanks. Take care.
Tim Newman [00:53:18]:
So be sure to visit speaking with confidence podcast.com to join our growing community and register for the formula for public speaking course. Always remember, your voice has the power to change the world. Take care. We’ll talk to you soon.