Unlocking True Confidence: How Self-Talk and Trust Can Transform Public Speaking

Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, the podcast that helps you build the soft skills that lead to real results. Communication, storytelling, public speaking, and showing up with confidence in every conversation that counts. I'm Tim Newman, a recovering college professor turned communication coach, and I'm thrilled to guide you on your journey to becoming a powerful communicator. If you've ever felt your voice disappear the moment all eyes are on you or wonder why confidence feels so hard when you care deeply, this episode is for you. Today's guest is Dr. Laurette Willis. Laurette is a cognitive behavioral therapist and mentor, founder of Weight Loss Without Willpower.

Tim Newman [00:00:49]:
Having struggled with overeating and yo yo dieting since childhood, her weaknesses have become strengths and a platform for healing as she empowers women of faith to be healthy, fit, and free without dieting, without deprivation, and without shame. A professional speaker and former actor and playwright, we're going to talk about that. She is also the founder of Praises Moves Fitness Ministry with online and in person classes given by hundreds of certified Praise Moves instructors, both women and men, throughout the world. Lorette, welcome to Speaking with Confidence. I'm looking forward to today.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:01:26]:
Thank you so much, Tim. I'm looking forward to our conversation as well.

Tim Newman [00:01:30]:
You know, I love what you do and especially when, when we talk and I go and I look at your bio and I do some research on you. I love everything you're doing, especially the improv and the acting. And then I get it with the dieting. I didn't start having problems with my weight until I had a health issue. And since I had that health issue, it has been a struggle, a battle, and I can't imagine going through that my entire life. So you're doing great work all over the place. We're going to talk about a number of different things. Let's start with confidence, because obviously, speaking with confidence, but where does the word confidence come from and what does it actually mean?

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:02:20]:
You know, as we were getting ready to record today, that's what occurred to me. I remembered in the recesses of my mind that confidence came from a Latin word, confidere. And I thought, let me look that up really quick, because I wanted to make sure that was it. And confidere means to have full trouble, trust, when you think of a confidant. And we want to have that kind of confidence. And we also see the word fidelity in there, which means faithfulness as well. And when we look at confidence, having full trust, it also reminds me of the word for trust in Hebrew, which is batakh. And the word Batakh means leaning the whole of your weight upon.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:03:08]:
And there's a scripture that says, trust in the Lord with all your heart. In other words, put your whole weight upon the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will direct, make smooth and straight your paths. He'll guide and order your every step. So speaking with confidence, speaking with complete and full trust, it's like, okay, well, where. Where do you put that trust? And I remember as a struggling actor and when I was learning acting in acting school, I was at nyu. I was originally from New York, New York City, and I was ruled and riddled by fear. You know, I find that the enemy, you could say those things that hold us back will always attack us in the area of our greatest gift.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:04:03]:
And for me, it was communication. Communication is a. Is a gift, a talent and ability. And I'm thinking our listener, too. You have gifts, talents, and abilities that you have as well. And if you think back, where is it that I've. I've gotten the greatest pushback or the greatest fear, the greatest struggles? A lot of it is in that area of that greatest gift. So being able to speak with confidence and finding out, where do you put that confidence, where does it come from? That's where you're going to be able to then bloom and blossom in your natural given abilities.

Tim Newman [00:04:38]:
You know, it's interesting you say that from. From the standpoint of it attacks your greatest gifts, you know, and I. I gave a talk last week, and I talked about things that I'm scared of or, you know, have been scared of. And I'm. I'm scared to death of heights, petrified of heights. And I have been, and I still am at times scared of speaking in public. And it's kind of hard to sometimes hard to say because I've built a career using my voice just like. Like you have.

Tim Newman [00:05:13]:
And for people to say, what do you mean? You're so scared of this or you're scared of high type. I was a paratrooper, scared of heights. And so we do things. But if those are our greatest gifts, I wonder what my gift at a high level would actually be. I guess maybe I have to look into that a little bit more and give some thought to that. But speaking and having that imposter syndrome or that voice telling us we're not good enough or we don't belong here, I think you really kind of nailed it for me for the first time in a long time, you know, lean into the gifts that God has actually given us and trust those gifts. You know, if we, if we, you know, a lot of times we think that we know better than the plan that God has for us and we go down these other roads and then he has his way of, you know, getting us back on track. Just stay on.

Tim Newman [00:06:14]:
Just stay on track. That's all. Just stay on track.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:06:16]:
Yeah. And, you know, if you think about it, the desires of your heart, the things that you really desire to do, they're probably a whole lot greater than anything you could do yourself. You know, if you think, you know, my big dream and I don't know how I could. I look at it this way, if you could do it yourself, how would God get any glory for it? People see that, you know this, and I point to get myself, you know, that God uses the foolish things of this world and confound the wise. I'm one of those foolish things to do a lot of the. Well, I put it this way, Tim. The only thing that qualifies me for everything I'm blessed to do is everything I've done wrong. It's true.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:07:06]:
Yeah. You know, use them as a platform to help others. You know, what, what I've been through, what you've been through, what others have been through. Because people will say, okay, she's not a talking head. He's not a talking head. I mean, you're being willing to say, I still get butterflies when I got to get up to, to speak. I mean, that speaks a lot to people. What do you think about selft talk? Because I, I have a lot of things about self talk, what we say to ourselves.

Tim Newman [00:07:35]:
You know, so there's, there's two things. I know what I tell people, and I know what I believe. Right. I know what works right. And I know how to help people do that. But then when it comes to me, I'm the worst. I'm great. I can help other people.

Tim Newman [00:07:52]:
But when it comes to me, nobody says. Can say anything worse than to me or about me, than me. And you know, that's one of the. Again, for those that are listening, understand that, you know, you can be good at something and you can help people with things, but you're still going to have those struggles and that's okay. It's normal. You have to learn how to regulate that self talk. And again, I'm the worst. I'm the absolute worst.

Tim Newman [00:08:27]:
And you know, the coaches that, that I have for the different things in my life, I, I have a speaking coach, I have a business coach. And they tell me, Tim, you have to, you've got to start moderating that. You guys start having, celebrating the small wins. Just like I, just like I would tell my coaches or the people that I'm coaching. So it's okay to have it, but understand that's not who you are. That's not the thing you doing. The thing is what's going to get

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:09:00]:
you past it and what you're saying to yourself in the process of doing the thing as well, or leading up to doing the thing. Because sometimes it's that first step going in that direction. And if we want to change the results that we're getting, what is it that we're saying to ourselves in with the people that I work with as a cognitive behavioral therapist and what I enjoy doing is renewing the mind on scripture. That's what I like to do, renew the mind, helping people on the inside. Because you're, you're not just your head, you're not just brain and body. You know, it's not, you're not just the mind and the, the body. You're a three part being, spirit, soul and body. So addressing the whole person, renew the mind on the word of God and then retrain the brain using neuroscience principles and techniques based on scripture.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:09:51]:
And so if we want to change the results that we're getting, let's look at it takes five steps actually. What is it that you're saying to yourself? Because when you change your self talk, you change what you believe about yourself. When you change what you believe about yourself, you change your attitude. When you change your attitude, you change your feelings. Now here's where it comes from the inside to the outside. When you change your feelings, you change your actions. And when you change your actions, you change your results. What you are saying to yourself, what you believe about yourself, your attitude, your feelings, your actions, your results.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:10:31]:
So if you want to change your results, you gotta go all the way back to what is it that you're saying to yourself? And when I grew up, Tim, I spent 10 years from the ages of 6 until I was 16, looking in the mirror at myself saying, you're fat, you're ugly, you're stupid. I hate you. I hate you, I hate you. What does that do to a child, do you think? It just brought me in a whole different direction. Yeah. So after I surrendered my life to the Lord when I was 29 years old, I believe he began showing me how to be transformed by renewing my mind. Just, I call it a holy ghost brainwashing. I had to get rid of all the junk that was in my head and start putting good things in there.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:11:17]:
And neuroscience says that we can actually do that. Get rid of those. Those old thoughts and put good thoughts in there. And when you move physically in CBT and neuroscience, when you're moving, moving physically, mirroring what's happening mentally, spiritually, it makes a profound effect on your brain. And because of neuroplasticity, because your brain can change, even physically, you can absolutely transform your life by transforming your mind and retraining your brain.

Tim Newman [00:11:51]:
Yeah, and I'm glad you talked about neuroplasticity and mentioned that your brain can change. I mean, there's. What people don't understand is there's. We've got scans, we can see this actually happening. This isn't just. It's real. And so you have to, again, number one, understand that this isn't an overnight thing either. It takes discipline.

Tim Newman [00:12:19]:
It takes repetitiveness. It takes you as an individual giving yourself grace to, you know, two steps forward, one step back, and that's okay. Knowing that you're moving towards something that's better for you and your happiness in your life. You can't do it for two days and think that automatically you're going to transform everything. It takes time and it takes work.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:12:47]:
Yeah, it does. And having that kind of patience and giving yourself some grace as well. I remember, oh, I think I was maybe 19 years old when I was in college and studying acting. And, oh, I remember the, you know, the butterflies. And I didn't quite have stage fright, but I would almost. And I would be, you know, in the wings waiting to get on stage, and there would be the other actors there, and I would listen to them, the things they were saying. I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:13:18]:
Are you nervous? I'm nervous. Oh, I cannot. And they were just hammering in how nervous they were.

Tim Newman [00:13:22]:
Nervous they were.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:13:23]:
And even I knew absolutely nothing about neuroscience at the time. I thought, you know, they're programming themselves. So I began saying, I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm just so excited to get out there. And I thought, well, do I want to be excited all the time? And so I began saying, I'm peacefully excited. I am so peacefully excited. I can hardly wait to get out there.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:13:43]:
I'm peacefully excited. I'm ready. Let me add them. Wow, that really started making that difference in me when what I was saying to myself to help program myself to do better.

Tim Newman [00:13:56]:
And it's taken you out of a situation, the people that you surround yourself with. Well, okay, all these people are nervous. What am I missing? I should be nervous, too. Or. Right? Or, you know, it's. While you're nervous. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.

Tim Newman [00:14:15]:
Oh, now I'm nervous. If you're nervous, I'm nervous. And. And then it's like a domino effect. Right. I mean, it's. It just. It just keeps going and, you know, so again, it's just like anything else.

Tim Newman [00:14:29]:
I always liken it to addicting behavior. Right. If you surround yourself with. With people that are addicted. Addicted to certain things, and if you surround yourself with things that you're addicted to because. Because we're all addicted to something, that's what's going to happen. It's just going to become second nature. You know, whether it's alcohol, whether it's drugs, whether it's gambling, whether it's, you know, it's food.

Tim Newman [00:15:00]:
Okay. Food is a big one.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:15:03]:
But

Tim Newman [00:15:05]:
if you surround yourself with those types of things, then, yes, you're going to stay in that addiction. So being able to transform, like you said, that's huge.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:15:15]:
Yeah. And for speaking. And we talked a little bit about this before. Improvisational comedy or just improvisation. And we learned this in acting school, and it's wonderful for speakers because you learn to trust yourself. You learn to trust your thought processes. And through improv comedy, especially when you're with others, you learn to start trusting others as well. That the world's not good, the floor is not going to give way, and you're going to, you know, fall into it.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:15:46]:
That you can really. You learn how to say yes. And we don't stop with no, no, this is. I don't know what to do. Yes. And. And just trust what the next thing is that comes to our mind. And that really helped me, I guess.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:16:07]:
I was in my. I was in my early 20s, and I was in an improv comedy group Off Broadway, Second Street, Bond street, and Off Broadway in Manhattan. And it was the only completely improvised show in the world at the time. So this was years and years before Whose Line Is It Anyway? That used to be on. On television, but it was the First Amendment Comedy and Improvisation Company, and, oh, it was. It was a blast. It absolutely was. And every Thursday, Friday, Saturday night, we would do improv.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:16:41]:
We would just, you know, be thrown up onto the stage there, and we'd know the setups, the things we were going to ask the audience, but we never knew what we were going to say or the characters we'd become.

Tim Newman [00:16:50]:
Right.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:16:50]:
And one of the things that I did, I was known as the woman of 101 voices. And ever since I was knee high to a grasshopper, that's what I always used to do is do a lot of different voices and characters and animals and police sirens and I mean, whatever. I was just Wacky in my B.C. days, you know, D A, Z, E spelled. So I just had a lot of, a lot of fun. But I, I learned how to trust myself and I thought if I can do this up here, because stage was the first place I felt comfortable. I was comfortable on stage. I had a level of control here.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:17:27]:
Let's say I enjoyed seeing people laugh. I love to entertain. Entertainment comes from a Latin word that means serve. Isn't that wonderful?

Tim Newman [00:17:35]:
Oh, wow.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:17:36]:
People like entertaining thoughts. We're serving different thoughts, you know, for positive or negative, good or evil. But I wanted to, to, to see people be happy, not make them happy, but see them enjoying themselves. And I thought, wow, if I can do that up here, trust others, trust myself, speak with confidence, let maybe I can do that out there as well. And so it was one day at a time and I did the Betty Boop show off Broadway. It was a one woman show. I played 40 different characters, 40 different voices, and I did Betty Boop. I certainly did.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:18:14]:
Boop boop be do. And it was just wacky. It was wacky and crazy and so much fun. But that's where I really felt coming, becoming myself on stage. When I felt so uncomfortable off stage, people say, oh, well, you liked being on stage because you could be all these different characters. No, I liked being on stage because I felt I could be myself. That's the difference.

Tim Newman [00:18:43]:
Isn't that interesting? You could be yourself on stage.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:18:47]:
Yeah.

Tim Newman [00:18:48]:
And that's, yeah, I hope the audience listens to that. And let's that rest and think about that for, for a second. I mean you, you come into, come into the theater, you have all these things happening and point at you and you don't feel value, you don't, you don't, you don't feel worth, you don't. But you step on that stage and now you feel like you. And that's, you know, that, that's, that can happen if you allow that to happen. If you get rid of like the nervous talk or the I'm not good enough talk or you, you know, you talk about serving, you know, to me, you know, when I get on stage, I'm served. That's how I feel I should be serving the audience. Right? And that's where a lot of my nervousness comes from.

Tim Newman [00:19:37]:
From am I giving the audience, am I providing the value to the audience that they want or that they need? And that's where my nervousness comes from. I hope that I'm giving them, I hope that I'm serving them well. And that's a good way of looking at it.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:19:58]:
You know, when we take our confidence also away from ourselves, it takes some of the pressure off. I'm not a great believer anymore in self confidence and I have a little, a little ditty that I can sing if I may, that has helped me and it's by a great psalmist named David Ingalls and he wrote this and here's the little chorus part. My confidence is great in the Lord because I believe in God's word. I'm going forth and doing great exploits. My confidence is great in the Lord and so my confidence is in him. And so before I get on stage, I say, lord, I trust you to give me the words to say your word says open your mouth and I will fill it. I thank you Father, for giving me these words to say. I ask you Lord, that you help me to be a blessing to these people.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:20:55]:
Work through me, Lord. Let me be that vessel of honor that you can flow through. It's not by might nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord and Zechariah 4:6. Thank you Lord. If you can use anything, if you can use a donkey, you can use me. Thank you Lord. And then I get out on stage and that just takes so much of the pressure off and then I begin to trust more. Okay, the thoughts that are coming, what I'm saying and leave the results to him.

Tim Newman [00:21:22]:
You made me chuckle when you, when you said if you use a donkey, you can use me. I wonder sometimes, yeah, I wonder sometimes if that's really true for me. You know, it's. But, but again that's, that's a self deprecating humor that, that I use because it's, it's for me. It lights and lightens the mood, but it, it doesn't take me back to, to self hate. It doesn't take me back to I'm not good enough. It, it lightens that mood for me. It does now when, when people think stage fright means something's wrong with them.

Tim Newman [00:21:56]:
But from a cognitive behavioral perspective, what's actually happening in the brain when this fear kind of takes over?

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:22:06]:
Well, if I look at it scripturally as well, because I like combining the two. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and of Love and a sound mind. And for someone who was ruled and riddled by fear most of her life. That's why I became a compulsive overeater at the age of six. That's why I became a high functioning alcoholic at the age of 13. That's why I smoked. That's why I was heavily involved in New Age spirituality, everything from A to Z, astrology to Zoroastrianism and everything in between for 22 years, from the ages of 7 till I was 29, and surrendered my life to God. The fear, if we see that, okay, it's not me.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:22:52]:
It's not, it's not an emotion. And I'm not talking about, you know, you're in the middle of the street and a car is coming and whoa, jump out of the way. I mean, that's wisdom. That's smart. That's not, oh, I'm, you know, I'm being fearful. No, that's being smart. But that fear, that comes when you're about to do something, if you start seeing it instead. It's like we have a comfort zone.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:23:13]:
When I've worked with, with actors, I've been a professional playwright and an actor for many years as well. And when I'd work as a director and I, I would, we do a lot of improv with the actors. And if you imagine that there's this comfort zone around you and whenever you get to that edge of the comfort zone, a lot of times there's a little nervous laughter. I'm about to do something foolish. And so I would start telling them, look at it this way, if you feel foolish, you're on the right track. What? Yeah. That means you're getting to the edge of your comfort zone. Because true freedom is on the other side of that comfort zone.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:24:00]:
You have to break through it. And for believers, I like to say you break through that comfort barrier and throw yourself onto the comforter, onto the Lord, and just trust in him at this moment to work through you. Instead of like, it's, oh, it's all up to me. It's all up. It's all up to, you're too small, you know, cast your cares on the Lord. There's, there's another wonderful scripture. First Peter 5, verses 5 through 8. God resists the proud.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:24:28]:
The one that says, oh, I'll do it all myself. I'm all that great, you know, bag of gluten free chips. No, it's not that. We're not all that. All right? But God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. And that doesn't mean humiliated. It means humble. The one that says, you know, I can't do it of myself.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:24:46]:
But, Lord, Lord, if you can use anything, you can use me. Just, I trust you. Use me. God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourself, therefore, beneath the mighty hand of God. And I see it that his hand is atop your head, just stroking your head, saying, you're my favorite daughter. You're my favorite son. I love you so much.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:25:06]:
And just like, just humble yourself. Let him love you. The next verse says, so that he may exalt you in due time, so he may lift you up to your first place. You have to humble yourself beneath his hand. Let him love you so that he can lift you up to your proper place in due time. How do you do that? The next verse says, casting all your care upon him because he cares for you. It's his job to care for you, not your job to care for yourself. You're too little, I'm too little.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:25:35]:
We're too little to care for ourselves. And so one of the exercises that I do in cbt, cognitive behavioral therapy, is imagine in front of you a big basket. Now put all your cares in it, all your cares, everything that concerns you about health, finances, work, the next engagement that you have. Your work, your business, your ministry, your family, your past, your present, your future. And then you jump in there as well, using your sanctified imagination. See the Lord before you, and then using your hands. Because when you move physically, mirroring what's happening mentally, spiritually, emotionally, it has a powerful impact upon your brain that something real is happening. And so then you lift up that basket, actually doing it physically.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:26:17]:
And I invite our listener to do that as well. But not if you're driving. All right, come back to the podcast. Do it, but lift it up. Take that up. And then seeing the Lord before you, just take that basket. And then 1, 2, 3, throw it over on the Lord. And then plant a big no fishing sign in there.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:26:36]:
All those cares are now in his hands, not in yours. Don't try to play God. Let him be God. You could take it back at any time if you want to play God, but I don't think you're that smart. Just like, no, keep it over there. And people have told me, Tim, that they actually feel lighter. It's like, whoa, I feel lighter now. In place of all those cares, receive the shalom peace of God, that beautiful peace that surpasses all understanding.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:26:59]:
Just inhale and exhale. Exhale, saying, hallelujah, praise the Lord. And people feel different.

Tim Newman [00:27:06]:
And, you know, you talk, talk about playing God. How's that been working out for you? You know,

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:27:13]:
not so good.

Tim Newman [00:27:15]:
Not so good. Not so good. It's, you know, it's. We, we, we. We put ourselves in these positions where we, where we, we're really talking ourselves into these positions. I have to do it myself because I can't trust or I can't count anybody else. I have to do it myself. Know me, I, you know, I can't.

Tim Newman [00:27:35]:
I can't ask for, for help because then people will think that I, I'm not worthy or I, I don't know what I'm doing. And these are all our. It comes back to all our own inner, you know, monologue that, that's, that's tearing us down. And, you know, I think, you know, for a lot of people, me in particular, realizing the fact, because it's a fact that you can't do it yourself, that you're never, you're never going to be able to achieve anything of real significance. You're never going to be able to truly serve other people unless you put yourself in other people's hands. Let them help you. Let God help you. Let them Let those people, you know, help you get there.

Tim Newman [00:28:30]:
And that goes for everything, your personal life, your professional life, your job, everything that you do, you need help doing. It's okay to ask for help, because everybody needs is.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:28:47]:
And if you see yourself, like, with your one arm reaching up, another arm reaching down, and the one arm reaching up, you're. You're with a mentor or coach, someone that you're allowing to speak into your life, who is believing in you before you can believe in yourself in that area. They're just a few steps ahead, or they're maybe way ahead. And then with the other hand, you're reaching down, you're coaching, you're mentoring, you're bringing up that other person, and you may just be a step or two ahead of them, but you can pour into their lives. And that's where true fulfillment comes. When you're allowing yourself to be coached, to be loved, to be believed in, to be mentored by someone further along. Let that wisdom soak in you, and then transfer that to the next person or group of people that you're bringing up as well.

Tim Newman [00:29:36]:
You know, look back at things and why we fight that. And, you know, you know, we, when we're young, we're, we're, we're good, you know, we're doing these things, but we, we get To a certain age, we start fighting all these. Those things. And then as we get older, we realize, you know what? We. We come back to our true sets of values. We come back to. And I can't believe I was. I was so resistant to that.

Tim Newman [00:30:00]:
I can't believe I was fighting that off, you know, all. All those things and. And how much better would life be if I had just done those things, but then I wouldn't be who I am now? And then that, that. That circle comes back, and again we talk about the whole idea of sharing information and trying to help others. And I think about my kids and trying to get them to learn from my mistakes and understanding that they've got to make their own mistakes. They've got to learn from those mistakes, whether we made them or not. I've seen both of my kids make major mistakes and come back from it and learn from it, and that's all part of it as well. And I guess that's just the way, right? So what are you going to do?

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:30:45]:
You know, it's a blessing that you're here for. The gift of your children being able to prove to you, dad, look, I made it. And if I can, gets me a little emotional because sadly, my mother took her life when I was 24, and two years later, my dad died of diabetes and heart disease. They were Both in their 50s and left before their time. And I was as lost as a goose in a snowstorm when. When they were on the earth because I was 24 when mom died, 26 when dad died. I didn't come to the Lord till I was 29. And I do remember, though, my dad coming to one of the improv shows that I did off Broadway.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:31:42]:
And he was very ill at the time, and he came. But I'll never forget. This brings back some great memories. Looking out at the end of the show and the audience is all dark, right? But I saw him clasp his hands and hold it above his head like that, you know, just saying, yay, you know, you did it. And my mother never saw me act, except, like, in grade school, I think, you know, that was it. And she poured in so much of that love of theater and elocution and singing and voices and all of that. She looked like a movie star. She was.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:32:29]:
She was beautiful. She was the first woman assistant district attorney on Long Island. She also taught at the university. She was just under 5ft tall, strawberry blonde hair, crystal blue eyes. My dad was a judge and attorney, had his own practice, and everything looked so beautiful on the outside. But on the inside there was a lot of pain. There was, you know, trauma, different things. My mother was an alcoholic.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:32:59]:
I became an alcoholic. She was high functioning alcoholic, as I was as well. She was diagnosed schizophrenic, had three nervous breakdowns when I was growing up. My dad was an emotional eater and also what was called a rageaholic at that, at that time, just a lot of stress and not knowing how to deal with those things and having desires of the heart that were unfulfilled. My dad wanted to be a doctor, but he came back from World War II, the GI Bill, and thought, okay, it's going to be too many years to be a doctor, so I'll be a lawyer because I'm going to make money. He was from Brooklyn, you know, first in his family to go to college and all of that. And I said, I'll be a lawyer. I'll be out fast.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:33:47]:
I'll start making money. You know, just live the American dream, right? And my mother wanted to be an actor. Her mother wanted to be an actor, but it wasn't accepted. It wasn't the, the thing that you be thought, you know, to, to do it was not, you know, polite. Society didn't do those, those things. And so she had great aptitude. She was a Mensa, you know, my dad had her join Mensa, you know, for geniuses. And she didn't want to do that.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:34:12]:
She said, you're brilliant. You know, it's like, oh, okay. So she, she did that, but she did what her mother said, she did what my father said. Her mother said, you're brilliant, you know, you should apply to law school. She got a full scholarship, law school. She didn't really want to be a lawyer, but she did what her mom said. And so I was so grateful that my parents, they said, lori, whatever you want to do, you know, we believe in you. And I think that's such a gift because obviously you believe in your kids and they know that.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:34:46]:
So I would say to the one listening to believe in others, whether you have children or not, but believe in them, the ones that are closest to you before they can believe in themselves. And it will do an eternal world of good.

Tim Newman [00:35:00]:
I believe, yeah, talk about that a little bit, because I truly believe, with whole heart, I mean everything, if we can lend our belief to others before they believe in themselves, how beneficial and how much better that person or people are going to be, and it gives them that extra whatever it is to get them moving forward, to get them to be that successful. Can you Talk about that a little bit.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:35:32]:
Yes. How do you demonstrate to people that you believe in them? It's largely done through voice. And words are things. They are spirit. They're life. You're speaking life into someone, you're believing in them. I notice that when I share with clients or I do breakthrough calls or things like that, or speaking to, you know, audiences, groups, when. But usually when I'm speaking one on one with someone, everything just goes totally silent.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:36:13]:
When you're speaking positively about them, it's like every cell within them is at attention. Someone is speaking life into me. Well, the thing is, you do that for yourself as well, I would say. Start practicing on yourself. A double dog. Dare you. As we say in Oklahoma, a double dog. Now, I don't know what a single dog is, but a double dog, that's.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:36:37]:
That's. That's extra. It's extreme, as we'd say around here.

Tim Newman [00:36:42]:
Extreme.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:36:42]:
But you look in the mirror and say, I believe in you. I believe in you. I love you. I believe in you. We've got this. I've got this. In fact, there's something called a victory celebration that I shared with our W3 Sisterhood Weight loss without willpower program that we have a membership, and it's a victory celebration after you do something positive. Let's say you want to change a habit, and you're working on that one habit.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:37:24]:
Let's say if it's weight loss, for example, waiting until you actually sense physical hunger. Okay, that's. That's one cue. Okay, I'll do that. I hadn't thought of that before. I thought it was just, you know, look at the time or look at the food and, well, let's do that. Or how about stopping at enough? Stopping it when you think you're full. I didn't have a full signal for over 30 years.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:37:50]:
I was just like, you just eat till the food's gone, right? But you pick one of those, let's say, stopping at enough. You stopped at enough. It's like, okay, whoa. I feel like I've had enough. Wow. If you will, then cap it with, you know, we're building tiny habits, as they say, these atomic habits as the. The. There's a book by that.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:38:16]:
That. By that name. In fact, you cap it with the victory celebration, and it goes like this. Yes, I did it. Thank you, Lord. Yes, I did it. If you're comfortable saying thank you, Lord, or you could just say, yes, I did it. Yes, I won.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:38:33]:
Yay. But I like adding the thank you, Lord, because it gets Me out of myself and gives glory words do. And you get that extra spiritual power, I believe. But you're also doing this physical posturing of expansiveness that is saying to the brain, we won. This is like what I saw my dad do in that audience. Yay. You know, you're doing that. That is telling the brain you did something right.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:38:59]:
An addiction starts that way. A good addiction. The dopamine rush of yes, I did it. Thank you, Lord, Lord, yay. And what happens is it becomes crave worthy. They say you start craving that good habit of stopping at enough or whatever it is, the habit that you want to build. Waiting for hunger, for example, whatever it is. Okay.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:39:26]:
Drinking water, drinking more water. You know, you drink the water. Yes, I did. Now, will it feel a little bit silly? Remember, if you feel foolish, you're on the right track. You're getting out of that comfort zone, getting into that expansiveness. It's amazing. And you will change.

Tim Newman [00:39:44]:
Yes, it's in. And you know, as you did that again, I'm thinking of the times that I've done things like that in public and mainly my kids and the, and the shock and horror in their face. I can't believe he just did that.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:40:11]:
Oh, there he goes again. There goes.

Tim Newman [00:40:12]:
There he is there. It just becomes a normal part of life. But, you know, do that for a number of reasons. Like you said, you know, okay, you, you, you, you've accomplished something. You, you, you're building the habit. And it's again, it's that you said the word dopamine. And again, a lot of people, they hear dopamine, they don't really know what, what it is. But you get a hit of dopamine when you get a text message, right? And dopamine is, is, is something that's, that your body craves.

Tim Newman [00:40:53]:
Oh, it gives you a good feeling. And so when you can start getting those hits of dopamine on good and positive things for your life as opposed to the addictions wherever they are. Again, whether it's a cell phone, whether it's food, that also changes the body chemistry into, you know, when you have those other things that you craved. Again, whether it's food, whether it's a cell phone, whether it's alcohol, whatever it is, your body will then start to reject those things.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:41:32]:
Yeah, that's true. And you know, I have another technique I can share and I was just wondering if there's a way that we can use this technique, overcoming, let's say stage fright or speaking in public, something like that. I'll Tell you what it is, and tell me if you think this is something that could work. It's a bilateral brain stimulation technique, and I call it make the Shift. And it cuts cravings in 10 to 15 seconds. And what it takes is you take a pen or a key or a stone or just something small in your hand, but you. You think of your favorite craving food, for example, and. And then you bring the pen back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:42:22]:
And then I say, I think we can do it, actually. Okay, I. I think I see how this can work with overcoming stage fright. Then we say a scripture. All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, all things for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. And that's 1 Corinthians 6:12. I could use that.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:42:45]:
I think we could use that for fear.

Tim Newman [00:42:48]:
Okay.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:42:49]:
Yeah. Could you. Could you see that maybe going for a. Yeah. Why don't we do that as an experiment? Do you want to do it right now?

Tim Newman [00:42:59]:
Yes. Try it.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:43:00]:
We'll try it. Okay. Now, you who are listening also and watching, I invite you to do this with us. But if you're driving, please pause.

Tim Newman [00:43:08]:
Hands on the wheel.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:43:10]:
All right, Hands on the wheel. Eyes on the road. But this is how it goes. You take a pen or a key or something small in your hand. Now see yourself going to speak in public, and maybe this has been something that has been. That has been fearful for you, that has not been comfortable. You're coming to the edge of your comfort zone with this one. And you're like, lorette, you don't understand.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:43:39]:
Every time I get up on stage or every time I get on the phone, I'm in sales, you know, I'm about to get. And I'm hoping no one answers the phone. What is it? You know, things like that going. I don't. I don't know. And I feel that fear starting to rise. I feel it coming. All right? So I want you to see yourself in that situation where you feel that discomfort rising, and we're going to change it right now.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:44:03]:
We're going to cut the circuit. So don't worry. We're going to cut the circuit right now. See yourself going toward that. You're about to pick up the phone. You're about to get on the stage. You feel that discomfort, take the pen in your hand and go from one hand to the other, one hand to the other, one hand to the other. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:44:24]:
And repeat after me, please. All things are lawful. For me.

Tim Newman [00:44:28]:
All things are lawful for me.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:44:30]:
But not all things are helpful.

Tim Newman [00:44:32]:
But not all things are helpful.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:44:33]:
All things are lawful for me.

Tim Newman [00:44:36]:
All things are lawful for me.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:44:38]:
But I will not be brought under the power of any.

Tim Newman [00:44:42]:
But I will not be brought under the power of any.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:44:46]:
First Corinthians 6:12.

Tim Newman [00:44:49]:
First Corinthians 6:12.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:44:51]:
That's right. Where's the fear? Where's the concern? Where's the worry? What are your thoughts?

Tim Newman [00:45:00]:
It's, you know, as I said that, you know, I took that. I took a deep breath and it really felt like a weight was lifted. It. It. My. Didn't feel like I had something on my chest. Right, yes.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:45:26]:
Yeah, yeah. It cuts the circuit right there that it's used to going to. And we use that for going for cravings, like for whatever the food is. You're about to, you know, get the food, and then you do that technique and then say first Corinthians 6:12 in the New King James version. The idea is that all things are lawful for me. I. I can have that food if I want. I can get terrified if I want to.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:45:49]:
I can. But it's not helpful. And you know what? All of a sudden, when you're saying it, the real you rises up about halfway through when you say, I will not be brought under the power of any. You get a little bit taller, that weight comes off. It's just like, wait a second here, you know, wait, no, no, that's. That's the old me. Old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:46:12]:
I am strong right now. I'm strong in the Lord and the power of his might. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. And I will. And I am. Watch out.

Tim Newman [00:46:23]:
Exactly.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:46:24]:
You know that, don't you?

Tim Newman [00:46:26]:
You do. And I wonder again, if we take that a step further. If you're the person that has somebody in your life that needs that and you pour your belief into them and they do that, that's going to just give them that extra. That. That extra kick or that extra push. That could be the thing that sends them into success or greatness or. Or taking that first step, Whatever. Whatever that is.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:46:59]:
Yeah, I see you being hugely successful in that. You know, Mary, John, Sally, Sue, Thomas. You know, I see you on that stage. I see people just wowing. See, I see you there. I could. You do? Yeah, I do.

Tim Newman [00:47:14]:
Absolutely. Absolutely.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:47:16]:
Yeah. And those words are spirit. They're not, you know, what a silly and dangerous expression. Sticks and stones may break my bones. But words will never hurt me. Oh yeah, they do. Oh yeah they do. And I would invite you, you know words that have been said against you, get rid of those things.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:47:36]:
Cast them down and start putting the good things in there instead. You can change things. You can get rid of those things. That's not. Don't let those dead words define you. Speak life.

Tim Newman [00:47:49]:
Exactly. And whether it's other people saying them to you or you saying them to you, that's the key. You can't just get rid of other people. It has to be yours as well. They have to go so well. All right. This has been amazing. I've really enjoyed this.

Tim Newman [00:48:06]:
Where can people connect with you?

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:48:08]:
Yes, absolutely. Well, praisemoves.com and then also I have a couple of free gifts for our listeners. If you're interested in the weight loss, I have a faith fueled weight loss blueprint, totally free. And it's a little mini video course and [email protected] and if you want to know how to meditate on the word of God, it's not about emptying your mind, but filling your mind, renewing your mind. What we were talking about, renewing your mind, retraining your brain. It'[email protected] that's awesome.

Tim Newman [00:48:48]:
I will put those links in the in the show notes for everybody. Loretta, again, I cannot tell you how helpful this was. I really enjoyed the conversation and I look forward to catching up with you soon.

Dr. Laurette Willis [00:49:03]:
I enjoyed it so much as well. Tim. Thank you so much. It was a blessed blast.

Tim Newman [00:49:08]:
Yes, it was. Take care. Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidencepodcast.com to get your free eBook, the Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and How to Overcome Them. You can also register for the Formula for Public Speaking course. Always remember, your voice has the power to change the world. We'll talk to you next time. Take care.